permission to be me

 

i spent years…

so many years…

S O

M A N Y

Y  E  A  R  S

trying to become

working to embody

 

P E R F E C T I O N

 

i’d convinced myself

i fully believed

 

P E R F E C T I O N

 

was the thing

i needed

the finish-line

i had to cross

H  A  D    T  O 

and IF

if

i could cross that line

if

i could make it

i would be

enough

finally

worthy

of attention

of approval

of love

_______

i was exhausted

continually performing

in an act

a show that never closed

but in my quiet moments

alone

behind the curtain

i raged against me

why is nothing working

i was trying to

do right

speak right

look right

be right

 

P  E  R  F  E  C  T

 

_______

i’d perform

then look to you

seeking your applause

searching

for the nod

approval

doing everything i believed was required

to fit

into your version

into your desires

into your belief

into your expectations

of what

of who

of how

i should

be and do

really

my version

my desires

my belief

my expectations

projected

_______

the truth

‘right’ is subjective

it’s relative

and more importantly

what works for you

will not work for me

because i am not you

and i don’t want to be

i want

to be me

_______

my soul

craving

clawing

crying

unleash me

she’d been imprisoned

see

trapped

locked up

by me

and i was looking to you

for the key

seeking permission

to be released

to be free

to be me

to own without apology

the true me

but the permission

i was seeking

had to come from me

you were easier

to blame

to pretend

to make responsible

if you would just give me a break

if you would approve of me

if you would tell me

are you proud of me

you were safer

see

for me

than me

looking to you

i didn’t have to

look to me

go in

turn in

to me

_______

when i went in

when i turned in

when i looked in

when i stopped fighting

against me

when i started fighting

for me

when i gave permission

to me

to be

imperfectly

me

i began loving

me

and i set my soul free

unleashed the real

me

_______

 

It’s fine. I’m fine.

 

 

When you move to make a change in your life, your unconscious mind will resist.

“Nope.  We are not doing THAT.

She may lash out or rage.

She will dig her heels in.

She will scream.

“This doesn’t feel good!!!! I don’t like this at all!”

She does not, I repeat, does not want to change.

 

This feeling of massive resistance is natural.

It is totally normal.

It is all part of the process of change.

Resistance is embedded in the pavement leading to your dreams. The ONLY way to avoid the resistance is to step off the pavement.

 

Please don’t do that.

Please don’t quit on your dreams.

Most of us, upon feeling the resistance, will judge it as bad.

We’ll say that it’s wrong and assess that it shouldn’t be happening.

 

 

We’ll ask, “How do I stop this and how do I stop it right now????!!!!!!!”

So, we slam on the brakes.

We come to a screeching halt.

We allow our brain to convince us we are “fine”.

We allow our intellect talk us out of our dreams.

My coach implores, “Don’t let your mind convince your heart it’s happy when it’s not.” 

Here’s my invitation:  

Stay.

If you’re committed to doing the work to transform your life and live your dreams, there are going to be times where you feel uncomfortable.

Stay.

You will want to run away.

Stay. 

You might hear, “Psst.  Hide.  Bury it.”

Stay.  

You will feel the temptation to cover up.  You may want to mask with the pretty, polished perfection of “fine” and “good”.

Stay. 

Feel it. Feel all of it.  Feel the temptations.  Feel the resistance.

Sit in your uncomfortableness.  Let it wash over you.  Rub it on your skin.  Let it dry and cake so it may crumble away.

Feel it and stay in it.

Lean in.

And know that sometimes it will feel hard to lean.  I get it.  I’m not saying it’ll be easy.

I am saying, sometimes it will feel hard and I want you to choose to lean in anyway.  Stay anyway.

Change requires we do something new.  Getting out of our comfort zone calls for us to leave our comfort zone; this will require we get uncomfortable.

The uncomfortable feeling?  It’s normal.

You’re doing it right.

Don’t allow your brain to convince you to settle.

Don’t succumb to her lies.

For YEARS I said, “It’s okay. Whatever. It’s fine. I’m fine.” 

 

My growth required me to lift up the mask of perfection and ask myself the tough question:  Are you REALLY “fine”?

And the truth?  I wasn’t f–ing fine.

I’d just gotten used to things.  And that isn’t the same as “fine”.

 

Wanting to smack down the mirror as it’s being held up for you to look in is totally normal.

Want to smack it down and then stay.

It’s not going to be as hard as your brain is trying to convince you it will be.

It’s not going to be as painful as your mind will tell you it will be.

If your unconscious mind is anything like mine, she is a drama queen and a master catastrophizer.

Friends, consider this…

What if your freedom is right there…

So close you could practically touch it…

What if the heat you’re feeling means you’re near…

What if the yelling is loud because you’re so close to your freedom…

What if your doubts are the sign that you’re going in the RIGHT direction…

And you walk away?

 

 

Please don’t give up on yourself and your dreams as you cling to your lie about being fine.

 

 

 

It is absolutely okay to be okay.

But please don’t lie.

You cannot and will not heal what you refuse to look at.

Please let me know how I can best be of support.

You’re worthy.

She’s worth it.

 

xo,

michelle

 

perfection was my protection

 

 

Yesterday I heard my coach say, “We are programmed for protection and dying for connection.” 

His statement shook me.

I felt it in my core.

I messaged him back and shared how I had said on a video just a few days prior, my perfection was my protection.

I got what he was saying.

I FELT both the power and the sadness in his words.

So much of who we are is buried underneath who we’re pretending to be.  My belief is if we want to know who we are, we must get intimately connected with the false self we present to the world.  Acknowledgment of this facade is the first step in reconnecting with our core self.

After sitting with his words all day, I wrote the following:

 

{the soul’s slow death}

Pain 

Programming 

Me 

Screaming 

Danger 

Run

Hide 

Dictating 

Me 

Build walls

Suit up 

For safety 

For us 

We must 

We have to 

Survival 

Dependent upon 

The strength of the steel

Stronger 

Stronger 

Singularly focused 

On construction 

Adding 

Layer upon 

Layer upon 

Unaware 

My soul 

Was in lock up 

I’d imprisoned myself   

In a body mask of perfection 

Intricately crafted 

With my own hands 

Built to protect 

Serving its purpose 

Fulfilling its duty 

Standing guard 

At the gates 

Pacing 

Keep out 

Keep out 

Nothing in 

Nothing in 

Blind to the consequence 

Numb to the pain 

Afraid to see 

The enemy I was fleeing 

Was trapped in with me

Death was imminent 

I was suffocating  

Inside the armor 

Collapsing under the weight 

Begging for release 

Voice hoarse from yelling

Silent screams 

Help me 

H E L P 

M E 

Set me free 

Pretending I lacked 

The ability 

To put down 

My shield 

Take off 

My mask 

Melt 

My armor 

Pretending I was trapped 

By an outside hand 

Lungs filled with metal dust 

From a decision made 

Many years ago 

Now 

Longing to connect 

Losing 

My self

My soul

My sanity 

In solitary 

Confinement 

Locked up 

Just the way 

She wanted

 

 

I feel the heaviness– the weight of the words as I read them.  This is my story and yet I know I am not alone.

It’s no longer my reality, but it is part of my past pain.

Owning this truth was the launching point for my transformation– my unbecoming.

There is hope for your healing.

These masks we wear are not who we are.

They are part of our programmed self.

Identities we craft for protection.

However, for most of us, we are moving through this world as adults with wounded little girls and boys locked up inside.  Those children longing to connect with us and with each other.  We can do it.  We can heal.  We can save our souls.  But we have to be willing.

Willing to see.

Willing to really look at the armor.

Willing to confront the costs along with the benefits.

Willing to recognize that it’s a suit we wear– not the soul we are.

Willing to feel the weight in our bones.

Willing get support in removing the layers.

Willing to remove them with love; not rip them off in anger and disgust.

Willing to meet and rediscover who we are underneath the protection.

I am not saying it will be easy.

I am not saying it will be hard.

I am saying it will be worth it.

You are worth it.

You are worthy.

 

xo,

Michelle

 

 

I was both the ringmaster and the circus animal.

 

 

This image effects me in a deep way…

There is a tightening in my jaw.

A tension in my neck.

A dull, but present ache in my chest.

Once I allowed the sadness to come and wash over me, I sat with my truth.

The truth of what I saw in this disturbing picture.

A version of my punisher.

The part of me that does not like me.

The part of me who spent years telling me that I would be worthy and valuable if – and only if – I achieved perfection.

The part of me who demanded I adjust, assimilate, and accommodate those around me in order to be worthy of their attention.

The part of me who cracked her whip and shouted, “PERFORM!” 

 


 

I was on a call with my coach recently when I was struck with an analogy that created a nauseous feeling in my stomach.

I spent much of my life as a circus animal.

Performing.

Night after night. Show after show.  Doing tricks for applause.  Wearing whatever mask or costume you wanted.  Dancing, standing on my back legs, jumping through rings of fire, or just sitting pretty -poised on a stool waiting for my next instruction.  Working hard.  Working SO hard.  My ferocious work ethic fueled by the hope that I’d get rewarded for making the ringmaster happy.

And if I didn’t?

Back to my cage.  Alone.  To think about what I did.  What I didn’t do. And how I could do more, be more, try harder.  I wasn’t just seeking external validation.  I was inspecting constantly.  And in my inspection, I was internally invalidating myself, my choices, my physical appearance, my performance…

You are wrong.

You are bad.

You are unworthy.

You disgust me.

You are fat.

You are ugly.

Fix this.  Fix that.  Fix everything.

Do more, more, more, MORE!

You are not and never will be enough.

 

“Okay” I said.  Next time.  I will work harder.

And I did.

For years.

 


 

One of the most empowering things I ever did, was taking responsibility for my personal healing and happiness.

But, the most empowering thing I have done to date, was take full ownership of my personal abuse as the abuser.

I was the punisher.

That was my hand striking the blows.

Those were my words coming out of my mouth.

Was this a learned behavior?

Absolutely.

But the source of the learning was no longer doing the abuse.  And keeping myself tethered; a hostage to the teachings was MY doing.

And it was time to own up to that.

Not to abuse myself further.  Not to put one more thing on the list of things to feel bad about.  NO.

Embedded in my personal responsibility was my freedom… my healing.  If I was the one doing it, I was the one who could stop.

You see, for many years I fully believed I deserved to be punished.

But my friends.

When you’re ready to stop.

When you come to the place where you believe you have suffered enough.

You will stop fighting against yourself; fighting against others.

And you will begin to fight for her.

In advocacy.

In love.

Not protection.  She doesn’t need protection if you’re not beating her up.

And in that journey, you will heal the relationship with yourself.

So many of these patterns have been embedded for years.

Please give yourself grace as you travel along your path.

Be patient with yourself as you travel your personal healing journey.

But please keep going.

I promise, you are the one you’re waiting for.

xo,

Michelle

 

 

 

If I may be of any support, please connect with me:

 

Email:  coachmichellemoore@gmail.com

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