Allowing the emergence of who you are becoming

Your circumstances will conspire to support your growth

I’ve been practicing taking up space in my life by not showing up in many of the places where I am in the habit of showing up. ⁣

Friday afternoon the line to our WiFi was cut.

No WiFi = no internet ⁣

I work from home so this means no email, no zoom, no YouTube, no access to online documents and projects, and no access to social media which IS part of my job.

⁣Since Friday afternoon, I haven’t had the capability to access any of it. ⁣

My hotspot wasn’t working well so something as simple as sending an email was taking 45-60 min. ⁣

The parts of me who attach my personal value to my work ethic were super activated.⁣

So I tried to FORCE it, I tried to WILL it to work, I tried to MAKE it happen… And I failed.

⁣I failed because I was trying to control the uncontrollable.

⁣I was being presented with an opportunity to surrender. ⁣

And I’d like to tell you that I didn’t resist, but that would be a lie.

⁣I resisted BIG time. ⁣

We fight because it feels scary to lose.

We fight because we don’t know who we will be without the thing we’re fighting to hold onto. ⁣

I didn’t want to not be able to show up.

I didn’t want to not be able to get done what I was telling myself I needed to get done.

I didn’t want to ask for help.

I didn’t want to appear irresponsible as I didn’t reply to emails, didn’t answer questions, didn’t respond to notifications, and didn’t work. ⁣

I didn’t want to appear flaky as I let clients know that I couldn’t read what they had sent me, I couldn’t open their emails, I couldn’t join them on zoom, and I wasn’t able to watch their videos. ⁣

I needed to ask for help. ⁣⁣

I needed to admit I couldn’t do what I *usually* do.

⁣⁣I needed to let things not get done. ⁣⁣

I needed to say, “I don’t have the capability to make that happen.”⁣⁣

I needed to reschedule appointments.

⁣⁣I was disconnected and I was uncomfortable. ⁣⁣

During the same time of this divinely appointed accidental line cut, we are having work done at our home which required me to be at the house. ⁣⁣

So I was “stuck” at home with no WiFi. ⁣⁣

After 24 hours of fighting, I surrendered.

⁣⁣I stopped trying to do what wasn’t possible and I asked myself, “What would surrender do?”

⁣⁣I sat with the anxiety.

Then I made myself good food, I worked out, I sat in quiet, I took a bath, I read, and I was in bed by 9pm. ⁣⁣

This morning, I woke up early, I wrote, I sat outside and quietly stared into the yard, I read, I made breakfast, I played with my dogs, and I went for a walk. ⁣⁣

And then I headed to a coffee shop for a few hours. ⁣⁣

Not all day. ⁣⁣

A few hours. ⁣⁣

And during that time I’ll get done what I can get done. ⁣⁣

And what doesn’t get done, won’t get done. ⁣⁣

And that will be okay because it’s what’s possible. ⁣⁣

One of the challenges with working at home is that the work is always accessible.

⁣⁣We can always touch it if we want to. ⁣⁣

It’s harder (not impossible) to leave it when it’s right there at the house with you. ⁣⁣

And what I know is that what I’m practicing during this time is possible when the WiFi comes back. ⁣⁣⁣

The moment we loosen the grip on who we are, we open ourselves up to who we are becoming.

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