“I am the shore and the ocean, awaiting myself on both sides.”
― Dejan Stojanovic, The Shape
One week ago today, I was one day home.
Having arrived late on Saturday evening from my most recent trip to California.
Transformed, but in ways not yet fully detectable by me.
Aware of a stirring.
Unsure what it meant or what to do with it.
My friend, have you ever been in that space?
Felt the longing…
Pulling toward something new…
Knowing you don’t belong where you are.
And yet…
Unsure.
Uncertain.
Unclear.
What does it look like?
What’s my next step?
What are the details?
Who will I be?
I remember those fears.
They were so powerful.
I felt defenseless to their pull.
Keeping me stuck.
Paralyzed.
Frozen as if cemented.
I write about it in my story…
I was completely terrified to step out into the unknown.
Fearful of the space between where I was and where I wanted to be.
Rather WHO I was and WHO I wanted to be.
I was so scared.
I didn’t want to feel out of control.
I couldn’t.
Out of control was dangerous.
If that’s where you are right now, I honor your fear.
I remember what mine felt like.
It wasn’t that long ago.
What I want you to know is that there is hope.
When you’re ready.
Not before.
When you’re ready.
You’ll stop seeking from the outside in.
You’ll begin connecting from the inside out.
You’ll build trust.
Not with others.
With you.
And from that space you’ll take a step.
Feel it out.
Take another.
Or a different one.
You won’t make “It didn’t work.” mean “I don’t work. There’s something wrong with me.”
You won’t make “That sucked.” mean “I suck and I can’t do anything right.”
And then?
Then the game will change.
Your soul.
She doesn’t need you to win.
She does need you to not beat the crap out of her for trying.
The peace I felt at the ocean edge was not brought by the ocean.
It came with me.
I know that now.
What you’re seeking lies within.
Always has.
You’re the answer.
You’re the one you’re waiting for.
I trust myself to try.
ImperfectAF.
But trying.
Giving oxygen to my thoughts.
Giving breath to my voice.
Without apology.
Please let me know how I may best serve you on your journey.
I love you.
I so appreciate you being here with me.
I see you.
Your journey is uniquely yours and I celebrate it!
xo,
Michelle
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