Do you trust yourself to try?

One week ago today, I was one day home

Having arrived late in the evening from my most recent trip to California

Transformed, but in ways not yet fully detectable by me

Aware of a stirring

Unsure what it meant or what to do with it

Have you ever been in that space

Felt the longing…

Pulling toward something new…

Knowing you don’t belong where you are

And yet…

Unsure

Uncertain

Unclear

 

 

 

What does it look like?

What’s my next step?

What are the details? 

Who will I be?  

 

I remember those fears

They were so powerful

I felt defenseless to their pull

Keeping me stuck

Paralyzed

Frozen as if cemented

Completely terrified to step out into the unknown

Fearful of the space between where I was and where I wanted to be

Rather WHO I was and WHO I wanted to be

I was so scared

I didn’t want to feel out of control

I couldn’t

Out of control was dangerous

If that’s where you are right now, I honor the fear

I remember what mine felt like

It wasn’t that long ago

What I want you to know is that there is hope

When you’re ready

Not before

When you’re ready

You’ll stop seeking from the outside in

You’ll begin connecting from the inside out

You’ll build trust

Not with others

With you

And from that space you’ll take a step

Feel it out

Take another

Or a different one

You won’t make “It didn’t work.” mean “I don’t work.  There’s something wrong with me.”

You won’t make “That sucked.” mean “I suck and I can’t do anything right.”

And then

Then the game will change

Your soul

She doesn’t need you to win

She does need you to not beat the crap out of her for trying

The peace I felt at the ocean edge was not brought by the ocean

It came with me

I know that now

What you’re seeking lies within

Always has

You’re the answer

You’re the one you’re waiting for

I trust myself to try

Giving oxygen to my thoughts

Giving breath to my voice

Without apology

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