One week ago today, I was one day home
Having arrived late in the evening from my most recent trip to California
Transformed, but in ways not yet fully detectable by me
Aware of a stirring
Unsure what it meant or what to do with it
Have you ever been in that space
Felt the longing…
Pulling toward something new…
Knowing you don’t belong where you are
And yet…
Unsure
Uncertain
Unclear
What does it look like?
What’s my next step?
What are the details?
Who will I be?
I remember those fears
They were so powerful
I felt defenseless to their pull
Keeping me stuck
Paralyzed
Frozen as if cemented
Completely terrified to step out into the unknown
Fearful of the space between where I was and where I wanted to be
Rather WHO I was and WHO I wanted to be
I was so scared
I didn’t want to feel out of control
I couldn’t
Out of control was dangerous
If that’s where you are right now, I honor the fear
I remember what mine felt like
It wasn’t that long ago
What I want you to know is that there is hope
When you’re ready
Not before
When you’re ready
You’ll stop seeking from the outside in
You’ll begin connecting from the inside out
You’ll build trust
Not with others
With you
And from that space you’ll take a step
Feel it out
Take another
Or a different one
You won’t make “It didn’t work.” mean “I don’t work. There’s something wrong with me.”
You won’t make “That sucked.” mean “I suck and I can’t do anything right.”
And then
Then the game will change
Your soul
She doesn’t need you to win
She does need you to not beat the crap out of her for trying
The peace I felt at the ocean edge was not brought by the ocean
It came with me
I know that now
What you’re seeking lies within
Always has
You’re the answer
You’re the one you’re waiting for
I trust myself to try
Giving oxygen to my thoughts
Giving breath to my voice
Without apology
