i ran

{i ran}


are you willing
prepared 


you can say yes 
still be scared 


close your eyes if you need to 
it lessens the nausea 
eases the discomfort 
facing truth sometimes causes 


i played 
stayed 
in the dark for years 
comforted by the blackness 
that blocked out 
the madness 
making it safe 
to pretend 


but if you are willing 
to dig in 
reach deep in 
the closet 
feel for the package 
grab it 
let it
grab you


feel its 
roughness 
sharp
jagged edges 


let it slice you open
bleed 
as you 
touch 
the pain 
pull it out 
of the closet
unlock 
unwrap 
uncover
the truth 
inside your package 


feel the terror
stay
don’t let the sting 
scare you away 


stare in 
dig in 
lock eyes 
let the 
truth 
glare back 


it’s okay 
slam it shut 
smack it down
if you can’t
face the reality 
of what 
you see 
reflected 


pretending to be blind
does not mean you cannot see


       swallow hard


slowly 
one eye squeezed shut 
one eye barely 
peeking 
blinking
can i 
is it 
safe 


       shudder
          tremble 
             breathe
                bravely 


slowly reopen 
       breathe


reach in 
both hands 
feel the weight of the truth in your palms
let who you are 
       drip
        off
         of
          your
           fingers 
as you rub you 
on your skin


smear 
mess
pain 
anger
rage
hate
fire
sadness
loneliness
trauma
regret
doubt 
fear 
judgment 


allow your
muddy
murky
messy
beautiful
truth
to seep into your pores
if you can sit with it 
in time it will dry and crack 
in time it will fall away
in time love 
is what will remain


i wasn't always willing 
to sit 
to feel 
discomfort used to be 
a sign
to go  
screaming
STOP 
fleeing 
running 
hiding 
i would 
shove down 
shove 
some
thing
some
one 
into 
my empty space




yesterday i ran in the pouring rain
wailing 
gut wrenching sounds 
emotions sourced from deep places inside 
secret spaces i forgot existed 


i breathed hard 
pushed hard 
i almost puked 
twice


my hair soaked
my body trembling
coughing
cold
gasping


calm
knowing 


i ran 
for a part of me buried 


i ran 
for a woman i have yet to meet


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