Yesterday I heard my coach say, “We are programmed for protection and dying for connection.”
His statement shook me.
I felt it in my core.
I messaged him back and shared how I had said on a video just a few days prior, my perfection was my protection.
I got what he was saying.
I FELT both the power and the sadness in his words.
So much of who we are is buried underneath who we’re pretending to be. My belief is if we want to know who we are, we must get intimately connected with the false self we present to the world. Acknowledgment of this facade is the first step in reconnecting with our core self.
After sitting with his words all day, I wrote the following:
{the soul’s slow death}
Pain
Programming
Me
Screaming
Danger
Run
Hide
Dictating
Me
Build walls
Suit up
For safety
For us
We must
We have to
Survival
Dependent upon
The strength of the steel
Stronger
Stronger
Singularly focused
On construction
Adding
Layer upon
Layer upon
Unaware
My soul
Was in lock up
I’d imprisoned myself
In a body mask of perfection
Intricately crafted
With my own hands
Built to protect
Serving its purpose
Fulfilling its duty
Standing guard
At the gates
Pacing
Keep out
Keep out
Nothing in
Nothing in
Blind to the consequence
Numb to the pain
Afraid to see
The enemy I was fleeing
Was trapped in with me
Death was imminent
I was suffocating
Inside the armor
Collapsing under the weight
Begging for release
Voice hoarse from yelling
Silent screams
Help me
H E L P
M E
Set me free
Pretending I lacked
The ability
To put down
My shield
Take off
My mask
Melt
My armor
Pretending I was trapped
By an outside hand
Lungs filled with metal dust
From a decision made
Many years ago
Now
Longing to connect
Losing
My self
My soul
My sanity
In solitary
Confinement
Locked up
Just the way
She wanted
I feel the heaviness– the weight of the words as I read them. This is my story and yet I know I am not alone.
It’s no longer my reality, but it is part of my past pain.
Owning this truth was the launching point for my transformation– my unbecoming.
There is hope for your healing.
These masks we wear are not who we are.
They are part of our programmed self.
Identities we craft for protection.
However, for most of us, we are moving through this world as adults with wounded little girls and boys locked up inside. Those children longing to connect with us and with each other. We can do it. We can heal. We can save our souls. But we have to be willing.
Willing to see.
Willing to really look at the armor.
Willing to confront the costs along with the benefits.
Willing to recognize that it’s a suit we wear– not the soul we are.
Willing to feel the weight in our bones.
Willing get support in removing the layers.
Willing to remove them with love; not rip them off in anger and disgust.
Willing to meet and rediscover who we are underneath the protection.
I am not saying it will be easy.
I am not saying it will be hard.
I am saying it will be worth it.
You are worth it.
You are worthy.
xo,
Michelle