what’s your motivation?

 

it is super easy for us to judge others based on the things we see them doing (or not)…
 
we often judge based on comparisons of what WE like and what is working or has worked for US…
 
things like:
 
+ how they care for themselves
+ their work ethic
+ their relationship to food or alcohol
+ how and whom they date
+ their sex life and choice of partner(s)
+ how much rest they get
+ how frequently they workout or meditate
+ how they manage or cope with their stress
 
many of these things we are judging could be based on things THEY have said they were having issues with
 
we’re just trying to help
 
i get it
 
i’ve been on the side of wanting to help (fix) others + I’ve been the one doing the thing that others wanted to help (fix) me with
 
BUT
 
here’s what i’ve learned…
 
it’s less about WHAT one is doing and more about WHY they are doing it
 
+ i’ve not taken care of myself out of fear and over-serving for approval AND i’ve chosen to put me after someone else with intention because of a deadline and/or i knew i’d get to me later that day
 
+ i’ve worked HARD out of fear and a desire for approval AND i’ve worked hard for a deadline and from a place of intentional choice
 
+ i’ve eaten food for comfort and to numb out how i was feeling AND i’ve had the same food because i wanted it and it brought me pleasure
 
+ i’ve drank because i wanted to enjoy a glass of wine or bourbon AND i’ve drank because i didn’t want to feel my feelings
 
+ i’ve dated for fear of being alone AND dated because i wanted to spend time exploring new people
 
+ i’ve had sex for approval and a desire to be loved because i was afraid i wasn’t enough AND i’ve had sex because i wanted to experience the pleasure
 
+ i’ve stayed up all night because i was scared of getting in trouble for not finishing what i started and out of fear of being abandoned if i wasn’t “good” AND i’ve chosen to stay up because i was geeked about what i was doing + creating
 
+ i’ve worked out from a place of hating my body AND i’ve worked out because i love my body + want to move and stretch her
 
+ i’ve hidden my stress for fear of not being loved and received + i’ve spoken up for attention AND i have expressed my needs to ask for support + i’ve used my voice to be real and make authentic, vulnerable connections
 
in my world
it’s never about the WHAT we are doing
it’s always about the WHY
 
i invite you to dig deeper
with yourself + others
what you find may surprise you…
 
 
xoxox

Go LOVE Yourself !

Self.

self/self/noun

1. a person’s essential being that distinguishes them from others, especially considered as the object of introspection or reflexive action.

Love.

love/ləv/noun

  1. an intense feeling of deep affection.
  2. a great interest and pleasure in something.
  3. a person or thing that one loves.

love/ləv/verb

  1. feel a deep romantic or sexual attachment to (someone).


Self-love feels like one of the most talked about concepts, yet I believe most of us don’t DO self love.

While we are familiar with the notion, for so many of my sisters, self love is simply not an ACTIVE practice.

It sounds good in theory and we read books and burn sage and purchase crystals and get manicures, but when it comes to actually executing an intentional practice…

We say things like, “That’d be nice. I wish I had time for that luxury…”

The truth is, the active practice of self love demands us to shift our seat on our long task list. We have to move ourselves from dead last to first. Self love calls forth a bold declaration from the depths of our soul. An unapologetic battle cry…

“My needs are JUST as important as your needs.”

Because dead last? It is killing us.

We are quick to leap at the opportunity to serve and give and show up for another, but “GASP!” how dare you ask us to show up for ourselves? I mean, we’re soooooooo busy.

The habitual “I’m fine” slowly erodes at our self-esteem and self-worth as we seemingly, suddenly find ourselves angry and resentful waiting for others to give us what we haven’t given ourselves. We’re impatiently waiting for a person or an accomplishment to come along and validate us. And when they don’t? We become irrational and irritable because they haven’t given us what we haven’t asked for and yet believe we are owed.

But friend, it’s you. The love you’re seeking is within. There is NO external source that can love you enough… validate you enough… to satiate the hunger rumbling deep in your belly.

I snapped this picture in April 2018. I was leaving a week long transformational coaching training and it was during this week — just one year ago — that I fell in love with me. I released shame and guilt I’d been carrying for years. I stopped punishing myself and I chose love. Intentionally. I saw the wholeness of who I was and I loved her with the ferocious compassion of a mama bear protecting her cubs.

I didn’t know how

But you showed me

I didn’t know if I could

But you believe in me

I didn’t know I was worthy

But you reminded me

I didn’t know if I was enough

But you lovingly affirmed my truth

I forgot where to look

But then I saw your reflection

It is impossible to love others if we are not actively in love with ourself first. And, if you’re like most people, you are going to have to enlist support in cultivating new habits. We are simply not programmed to choose us.

In “Pussy – A Reclamation” Regena Thomashauer says, “It’s very difficult for us to say yes to our own pleasure. We have no experience prioritizing our own joy or making an investment in ourselves. But it is very easy to say yes to responsibility and obligation.”

This has to change.

It’s time to change.

And, I believe we are most effective in transforming our lives and habits when we have the support of tribe.

My new friend Sharon, the founder of GO LOVE YOURSELF– a self care and self love subscription box- shares the following on her website:

…as March’s featured author Kelly Corrigan notes, “you can’t really be loved if you can’t bear to be really known.”

And you deserve to take the time for yourself to know yourself, and love yourself, to know others, and to love others, and to be known by others, and to be loved by others. You don’t have to go it alone.

Sharon believes that self care is an action and self love is the result. 

Awareness in and of itself doesn’t bring change. Motivation, while fun to experience, doesn’t bring change. What does bring change is ACTION. A commitment to DOING what needs to be done to change our lives and increase our self love and happiness.

As Sharon shares, “if you’re ready to be the change you want to see, take the actions you need to take, do the work, and connect with a group of women who are committed to truly living their best lives, we’re here for you.”

I couldn’t agree more.

Take the first action step in choosing YOU and get yourself the support you’re worthy of.

If you have any questions about the support Sharon provides, feel free to contact her directly through her website: https://www.thegoloveyourselfbox.com/about_us or if you have questions for me, send me an email at: michelle@coachmichellemoore.com.

xo

how to “do” self love

the other day i posed the question, how do you “DO” self love?

i think many of us talk about it, but how many of us actually BE about it? what does it mean to DO it? to take ACTION?

i was chatting with a client last week and we spoke about how awareness is the first step, but the only thing that has the power to change anything in our lives is ACTION.

and yet, how many of us are stuck?

aware and stuck.

i have been pondering this conversation and contemplating how i can help.

what’s the catalyst to move from awareness into action?

i recalled that in the past, i have shared with my clients that a very simple way to begin the practice of self love is to think of someone or something that you love and write down 5 ways you treat them.

that list might look like:

i pay attention and really listen when they speak to me

i spend quality, uninterrupted time with them

i honor their needs

i respect their boundaries

i have fun with them and play with them

but this morning, i realized– this list– is the ideal way i’d treat them. it’s how i feel i should treat them.

and then i asked myself a hard question, is it what i DO?

and i’m a bit embarrassed to say, that with the specific person i was thinking of, my honest answer was, “nope.”

here’s how my list would look if we were evaluating my ACTIONS:

i put her after most other things

i am often distracted in our quality time

i am frequently tired when we’re together

i can be lazy and allow things to run on autopilot

i can be impatient and energetically demanding

if this is true, then me telling me to treat myself like someone i love means to put me after everything else, be distracted and not present, be lazy with my care, make thoughtless choices, run myself down, and hold high and unrealistic expectations and throw a fit when they go unmet.

that’s when i realized, THAT is actually the bigger conversation.

many of us will want to

need to

redefine our relationship to LOVE

and, i hear you… HOOOOOWWWWWWWWW?????????

so, here’s my encouragement…

if this applies to you (and i know it won’t apply to everyone), don’t make your ideal list wrong.

explore it.

i believe it’s your inner child speaking. celebrate that– celebrate her.

there is a divine feminine energy in you that longs to nurture and love and care for self and others.

allow that– allow her desires and longings to be exposed.

and then?

pick one thing from your list.

just one.

i know our precious human brain wants to go from not-love to love immediately and zip from a zero to a ten in 0.5 second flat and while all of that is cute, it is unrealistic and not at all sustainable.

so, if you’re committed to implementing actionable self-love, pick one thing.

and then practice.

practice toward others and practice toward self.

and reverse the order.

practice toward self and then practice toward them.

we cannot give what we do not possess.

for me?

i choose “i pay attention and really listen when they speak”.

so, from this place of choice, how can i pay attention and really listen when i speak?

for me, the first step is giving myself a voice.

i’ve begun pausing throughout the day and asking myself, “what do you want right now?” or “what do you need in this moment?” and then i’ve been listening.  

if my back hurts and wants to lie down, i create space for that.  

if my eyes are tired and want to rest, i let that be okay.  

if my body is craving food, i feed her. 

if my heart is longing for connection, i find ways to give that to her.

it’s not hard. but it does take practice.

and i’m worth it.

and so are you.

need tips that are specific to YOU and the unique individual you are? send me an email at michelle@coachmichellemoore.com and lets set up a time to chat.

xo

My journey : Self-loathing to celebration

 

Self loathing.

I wasn’t born hating myself and honestly, I don’t remember the exact moment that it started.  My best guess is that it happened slowly.  An unfolding over the course of many many years, events, and small, seemingly insignificant, moments and conversations.

All leading up to the day where I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror.

 

I felt unworthy.  I felt hard to love.  I was stuck and I couldn’t see it.  What I could see was my behavior.  I could see my acting out.  I could see my trying too hard.  I could see my drug use.  I could see my drinking.  I could see that I didn’t know how to relax.  I could see how tense and angry I was.  I could see when I sat still how my legs, feet, hands, and/or arms would shake.  I could see my skin scratched red and bleeding from me clawing at myself while I rocked in place.  I could see my tears.  A lot of tears.  I could see my poor health and how sick I was all the time.  And, I could see myself shift from seemingly “fine” to hysterical anger in no time flat.

What I was not yet aware of, what I couldn’t yet see, was that I was medicating my emotions to keep up the facade I believed that the world wanted to see.

 

I remember looking in the mirror and hating who I saw in the reflection.

I was burnt out and exhausted.

I was negative.

I hated my job.

I complained a lot.

I was afraid of failure.

I was afraid of being exposed.

I was afraid of what success would look like.

I was unclear.

I was insecure.

I was stressed out.

And, my head talk was out of control.

 

Shortly after that moment in the mirror, I started a home-based business and got introduced to the world of personal development and mindset.  For the very first time, I became aware of how I was sabotaging myself.  For me, the problem was, WTF was I supposed to DO with that awareness?!  The generic affirmations I was being given weren’t enough.  They weren’t working.  I didn’t have this awareness at the time, but it was almost as if they were making things WORSE because they magnified the distance between where I really was and what I was affirming.

What I really wanted was an “Easy 1,2,3 :  Steps to Fix Yourself”.  If I could have found anyone selling that anywhere, I’d have snatched it up immediately.

But, they weren’t.  No one was.  What I’ve come to know as truth is that the healing journey is individual and we must be willing to walk it ourselves.

 

Simply starting my new business didn’t “fix” anything because the work had to be done internally.  I had success, but I was still unhappy.  I felt like a loser and a fake.

Pretending to be perfect.

Pretending everything was okay.

Pretending I was happy.

Pretending I wasn’t struggling.

Pretending I wasn’t scared.

 

The first significant step in my healing was to put my hand up for help.  To stop pretending that I had it all figured out and that I could handle everything on my own.  How I was living wasn’t working and I needed to come clean.

What I’ve learned is that we cannot solve our “problems” while sitting in the same situation, with the same people, and with the same mind that created the “problems”.  We need outside perspective.

 

Thus began my in depth journey back home to me.  I’m not there yet.  But, I have come a looooooooooonnnnnng way and I am obsessed with guiding others while I continue to walk out my path.

 

What follows are a few of the things I’ve learned in my travels…..

 

 

1.  Be willing to answer the tough questions.

 

This is a “come to Jesus” moment.  Be willing to ask and HONESTLY answer the tough questions.

What’s NOT working?  Your career?  Your relationship?  Your health?

Where in your life are you not playing full out?

Where/when do you shrink back so that others won’t be uncomfortable?

Where in your life are you out of integrity?

How do you speak to yourself?  Do you frequently use words like stupid, idiot, klutz, dumb, fat, or ugly?

How much time do you spend on self care?

How negative are you?  (Think scale of 1-10)

How often do you experience anger and how quick are you to go there?

How often do you feel sad?

Do you like being alone?

How frequently are you using substances to mask your feelings?  (Drugs, alcohol, sex, exercise, food…)

 

 

2.  Stop pretending and own up to your reality.

 

Just stop it.

Stop pretending that you’re okay when you’re not.  Stop pretending that you have it all together.   Stop pretending that you’re always happy.  Take off the mask of perfection and take full ownership of what’s REALLY happening in your life.  Look at your previous answers and accept that this is your reality.  This is what’s real for now.  It CAN change, but the first step to change is acknowledgement of what IS.

The next step is taking responsibility for what IS.

 

WITHOUT JUDGMENT.  WITHOUT JUDGMENT.  WITHOUT JUDGEMENT.  WITHOUT JUDGMENT.  WITHOUT JUDGMENT.

 

Just acknowledge.  “This is my reality and I take responsibility for the choices I’ve made that have lead to this moment.”

Maya Angelou said, “I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.” 

There’s no blame in this space.  Just acceptance.  Beautiful, loving acceptance.

 

What you must know is that from THIS space, you can take ACTION.

 

 

3.  Embrace your process and love your exquisite journey.

 

You didn’t get here overnight.  You’re not going to heal overnight either.  I have to make a daily effort to stay showing up as the REAL ME.  Please give yourself time and trust me when I say you’ll save yourself a lot of energy if you’d simply be willing to drop the story that “you should have it all figured out by now” or “you shouldn’t still be struggling with this”, or whatever other BS lie you’re telling yourself.

 

I’ve learned exercises where I look at myself in the mirror, celebrate my wins, and tell the little girl I see in the reflection how much I love her and how very proud I am of who she is.  NOT what she’s accomplishing or how much money she’s making or how many likes or comments she’s getting on her posts or how many followers she has on IG or subscribers to her blog or emails.  None of those things have anything to do with who she is.

My value is innate.  It doesn’t increase when I “do good” or decrease when I “do bad”.  It’s completely detached from what I am accomplishing or producing.

I am worthy because I am.

I am valuable because I am.

I am enough because I am.

 

I’ve learned to label my identities as seperate from ME and as I’ve shared in previous articles, I’ve named them and communicate with them as the individuals they are.

 

I’ve learned to look backwards at how far I’ve come instead of constantly looking ahead to some undetermined place I’ll never reach because even if I get close, I’ll just keep moving the finish line to validate my “not enough” story.

 

I’ve learned to celebrate progress instead of exhaustively pushing for unattainable perfection.

 

I’ve learned to recognize that the identities that pop up aren’t ME, they’re simply a PART of me that is feeling unloved.

I’ve learned to love them.

 

I’ve reframed my fears from something to be avoided at all costs, to signs that I must be growing and confirmation that I’m moving in the right direction.

 

I’ve learned that I need a support system to help me.  I need a coach.  I need an accountability partner.  I need live events.  I need mentors.  I cannot do it alone.  (I’ve also learned that you can’t either.) 

 

Truth be told, I still battle my dark side.  But now, I bring it out to the open.  I don’t pretend it’s not there.  I don’t shame myself for having a dark side.  I’m not embarrassed of that part of me anymore.  I actually think she’s beautiful.  When I recognize that she’s in control, I reach out to my accountability partners, I post in my support groups, and I receive love, support, and acknowledgement that I am not alone.

 

I share this so you know you are not alone.  I share this to give you hope for what’s possible.  I share this to offer a first step or a next step depending on where you’re at in your journey.  I share this so that you know I recognize “stuck” as a real place.  I share this in the hope to breathe belief in you as you walk out your own healing journey.  I share this to offer support and a safe space.

 

Me?  I’m perfectly imperfect.  And, more often than not, I am pretty damn proud of that.

 

xo,

Michelle

 

 

Image via Princess-Hanners on DeviantArt

Stuck to freedom in 3 steps

Have you heard the saying, “Proper preparation prevents piss poor performance”?
It makes sense, right?
Do your research and be prepared.
I get it.
But when you’re a (recovering) perfectionist, you change the PROPER to PERFECT.
And when you do that….

Well, PERFECT preparation doesn’t prevent, it actually LEADS to piss poor performance.
Or, even worse, no performance at all.

Allow me to explain.

When I was in college I was taking an improv class.  An EXTREMELY challenging class for a perfectionist like myself.  I was too tense and always trying too hard to “get it right”. Improv requires trust, confidence, and presence.  If you’re in your head the whole time {Raises hand}, you won’t be connected to the team, you’ll care too much about how you look, and the comedy won’t land.

I was awakened by an unexpected phone call the morning of my improv final.  A collect call from my boyfriend.  He was in jail and needed me to come get him.
Lovely.

I fled my dorm room in a frenzy, drove to bail him out, and raced back into town.  I arrived only minutes before my final.  I threw down my things and within moments we were in the middle of the room performing.  Truthfully, I only remember one thing about the final.  My personal feedback was extremely positive.  Not only did my group crush it, my teacher said that I had my best showing and commented that I should do whatever I did THAT morning moving forward.
Great.  {Rolls eyes}  
I need to bail my unstable boyfriend out of jail in order to “be in my body”.

Frankly, I don’t know that I really got the big lesson until a few weeks ago.

You see, that morning, I didn’t have time to practice.  I didn’t have time to over-think.  I didn’t have time to perfectly prepare.  I didn’t have time to do anything.

I simply had to be present and go for it.

I see this same thing showing up in my life right now.  It’s so much easier to remain in student mode.  Always believing that I need to learn more, study more, prepare more, and practice more before I will be perfect and officially ready to GO FOR IT.

Here’s what’s up for me right now:

  • I am certain that don’t have the perfect blog.  I mean, am I supposed to have pictures? Should I be writing more often?  How often?
  • I’m confident that my video setup is unprofessional.  I’m either sitting on the floor with my phone leaning against a vase, I’m standing with my phone balanced on a pile of books on my bookshelf, I’m shakily holding my phone “selfie-style”, or I’m outside on my patio and my “AV set up” is my cell resting on a plant stand.
  • I’m pretty sure I’m not actually “doing Instagram” right.  For example, what are stories?  I’m playing with them, but am I doing it wrong?  Do people really care about what I’m posting?  And how do people have SO MANY followers?!
  • I don’t have a website for my coaching business. Should I?  Do I “need” one?  If so, how do you even begin to set that up?
  • I don’t have my speaker pitch nailed down.  I’m just over here trying to talk to anyone who’ll listen.  What if I suck and people laugh and make fun of me?
  • I am still awkward when it comes to “closing the sale”.  I mean, I’m selling ME and the breakthrough I can facilitate.  Do you wanna discuss how THAT is bringing me nose to nose with all of my shit???

And, let me be extra real…

There is ABSOLUTELY a part of me that stresses about all of those things.  I’m concerned about not being perfect.  I can sometimes obsess about your potential judgements and how I’ll handle them and I’m afraid that I won’t handle them well.

That’s my truth.

What’s also true, is the fact that there is a part of me that is screaming to be seen. However, I have to be really quiet to hear her.  Her yells are muffled, almost as if they are coming from really, really far away.

She’s screaming, “HEY. F#%K PERFECT!!!!”
She’s screaming, “GIRL.  Get your message out!!!!”
She’s screaming, “JUST TRY!  It’s the only way you’re gonna get good.”
She’s screaming, “GET IN MOTION!  You’ll get better the more you practice.”
She’s screaming, “JUST DO YOUR BEST!  People don’t want perfect, they want REAL.”
She’s screaming, “DO THE DAMN THING!  You’re not going to really learn any of this by reading online articles and watching YouTube videos.”
She’s screaming, “CHILL OUT!  Nothing you’re doing has human lives at stake. YES.  The work you do has the ability to impact and shift and transform the planet, but no one is going to DIE because your IG story sucks.  Your imperfect blog, unprofessional videos, Instagram, website, and sales/marketing pitch aren’t THAT F#%KING SERIOUS!!!!!”

And, I hear her.  And, I notice that the more I listen, the louder she gets.

The real deal is:

  • I am more comfortable if I have time to rehearse and I don’t like it when I am unable to do so.
  • I’d prefer to know all of the answers to your possible questions before we even start our conversation.
  • I wish I could speak fluidly and not stutter or say umm when I talk.
  • I like it best when I look pretty and my hair and makeup are done to my standards.
  • I frequently doubt that you’re going to read what I write or listen to what I say and I wonder if you do, if you really connect with my message.
  • On that note, I wonder if my message is even relevant…
  • I desire to be different, but I get uncomfortable when I think about boldly standing out.
  • I would like it MUCH better if I could immediately propel myself to mastery level.  At all things I try.  I do not like not being good.
  • I get nervous thinking about dialing a cold lead call.
  • I freak out at the thought of sitting down with people who are deciding if I’m a “fit” and if they want to book me to speak.

What’s different for me now, is despite the fact that I am deeply feeling all of my worries, doubts, and fears, I am taking action.  And, you can too.  And, it’s not as hard as you are imagining it to be.

3 steps to shift from stuck to freedom:

Awareness

You have to become aware of the problem.  If you’re pretending that it doesn’t exist or that it’s not that big of a deal, you’re going to stay stuck.  This is your “come to Jesus” moment.  Look at your life.  What’s NOT working?  Are you struggling with the same things you were struggling with a year ago?  Are you perpetually unhappy in your relationship, business, body, or career?  What about your finances?  Are you ALWAYS broke?  Look at your reality… REALLY look… and without judgement, write down what’s going on.

 

Acceptance

Here’s your chance to own your shit.  The only way you can be the solution is if you’re the problem.  Stop playing the role of the victim and accept your responsibility in the creation of your current circumstances.  All of them.  This isn’t about resigning yourself and giving up.  This is about accepting your reality so that you can use it as a launching point for transformation.

 

Action

You have force yourself to take baby steps and then you have to celebrate each and every one you take.  I know you want to go from 0 to 10, (I do too!) but it’s completely unrealistic.  Get a coach and a mentor to help you create your PERSONALIZED game plan.  You’re an individual and you’re going to require individual support.  Figure out WHY you want the thing you say you want.  That WHY has got to be bigger than your fears because (spoiler alert!) your fears aren’t going anywhere.

 

Look, I’m not gonna tell you to stop trying so hard to be perfect.  I’m not gonna tell you to stop being nervous or freaked out or concerned about doing it wrong or messing up.  I’m not going to tell you stop any of that because in my experience, there’s no switch you can turn off.

What I want you to do, just for today, is act in spite of.  Go ahead and feel every single one of your worries, doubts, fears, AND …
Write anyway.
Post anyway.
Record the video anyway.
Speak your truth anyway.
Make the pitch anyway.
Go to the meeting anyway.
Dial the phone anyway.

I need you to know that there are people waiting for YOU.  There are people longing to experience YOUR unique gifts.  There are people waiting to learn what only YOU can to teach them.  There are people longing to hear YOUR message.

And those people, the ones waiting for YOU and longing for your message?

They don’t care if it’s perfect.
In fact, they hope it’s IMPEREFECT.
You wanna know how I know that?
Because I know they’re afraid of the same things you are.
And if YOU’RE perfect, that means they have to be perfect too, and the thought of that terrifies them.

I fully believe that if you are judging me for my imperfect blog, if you roll your eyes at my messy and unprofessional videos, and if you shake your head at my Instagram feed, I am not the coach, the speaker, or the teacher for you.
And, truth be told, I’m (mostly) good with that.

Either way, I’m patting myself on the back for acting in spite of.
It’s a big friggin’ deal.

I’m perfectly imperfect and finally proud of it.
Most days.

 

Image via thinkwealthmagazine.com