
the problem is, most of us ignore them because they are so accepted and expected that we don’t recognize them for the red flags they are
it’s called being an adultwe saypull it togetherput your big girl panties onjust do itwhat’s wrong with youwe askso-and-so has it worse than youyou’re so lazy
it’s not that badeveryone i know is friedi’m too busyi don’t have timetoday is the ONLY day to get things donelook at our to-do listhe needs methey need meshe needs meit’s finei’m finei’m fine
[ < numb > ]
unfortunately
we have become
a comfortably numb
zombie society of addicts
chugging down
our cough medicine
of choice
terrified to
feel
unwilling to
confront
our pain
terrified of
our unapologetic
wild passion
lives spent
committed to
dulling
the truth
numbing
has no discernment
we choose
no pain
we choose
no joy
so our soul sits
in hospice
we lie
not living
waiting
to die
numbed out
dumbed down
committed
to our not feeling
i used to
i used to
not feel
it was not
until i
learned to
be with
what was
what is
really real
that i
helped my body
truly heal
for years
i thought i was
comfortable
but i was only numb
wants upon a time…
i took this picture four years ago
to the day
january 3rd, 2015
i remember this moment
i wanted to capture it
i was sad and pissed
in a good way
fired up
about my own self
i’d been working with a coach…
involved in personal development…
attending live events…
doing all of this for just over a year…
and in this moment…
standing in the kitchen in my condo…
i was done
pretending
faking it
acting like i was happy when i wasn’t
i was done
with the bullsh*t
with MY bullsh*t
annndddd
allow me to be
REALLY
REALLY
CLEAR
standing there
i didn’t have the answers
i was struggling financially
i was unfulfilled
i was working in a career i no longer wanted to be in
i was uncertain of my purpose
i was unsure of my next moves
i had no clarity on the how or the what or any of the specifics
AND
the first step
the one i think folks frequently forget about
the FIRST step
is the one where you get tired of your own bullsh*t
you get tired of hitting the wall you keep hitting
you get tired of the sexy stories (lies)
the lies you’re telling
about how you’re fine
it’s fine
you’re happy
it’s okay
you’re okay
you get tired
of being sick
you get tired
of being so tired
because it’s from THAT point
that point where you’re done
that point when you’re really ready to put down the struggle
it’s from that point
things can change
and by things
i mean
E V E R Y T H I N G
i didn’t know…
four months after i took this pic i’d invest in a coaching certification
i didn’t know…
one year after that i’d be a certified neruotransformational coach
and my friend
i didn’t have the capacity
i lacked the vision
to see that four years after i took this picture i’d be…
happier than i ever imagined was possible
fulfilled at a level i thought someone like me could never reach
so on fire
fiercely passionate
crazy wild
courageous
in love with me
in love with life
in love with humanity
on purpose
deep in my trust and knowingness that i’ve got me
i knew people lived this way
i’d heard of ’em
i’d seen one or two
but i did not
SHE did not know it was possible for her
she had no clue what was coming for her
and friend, neither do you
my invitation is to get in the work on yourself
invest in your healing
THAT is what’s necessary
that’s the answer to your struggle
it may not be the answer you’re looking for
it may not be the answer you want to hear
but it is the answer
the REAL answer
there are no shortcuts
no quick fixes
no one-size-fits-all approach to your UNIQUE self
you’re not broken
you can heal
you can learn to love and trust yourself
it is possible for someone like you
i promise
but i don’t know any of us
who do it alone
if you want to talk about what that would or could look like, ask
if i’m not the one, find you someone
your future self will thank you
xo
i don’t know
i know
it’s not cute
but it is
a hit
that feeds
the addiction
calms
the twitching
that beast within
is becoming extinct
she’s dying
and she’s afraid
so she rages
in her attempts
to cling
to life
she scratches
on occasion
i can smell her fear
i know
i no longer
need the sanctuary of that old story
i know
i no longer
need the high of your attention
i know
i no longer
need the protection of my pretending
i don’t know
because
the truth is
i do know
the truth
i’m done pretending
i am not
she needs me to know me
i get me
she needs me to own me
i got me
she needs me
it’s time
step-up mic-up pen-up speak-up show-up
visible
i know
i am
the truth
i’d been acting
like i’m not
she is begging
pleading
stop
pretending
faking
feigning
weakness
ignorance
stupidity
but that hit…
of attention
so addictive
feels
so
very
good
another hit…
inhale
hold it
feel the
love
as it courses through my brain
exhale slow
feel the
approval
settling in my veins
confirming
validating
all the things
i’d been contemplating
my worthiness
my intelligence
my pretty
my polished
perfection
good enough
only is
if you
please
tell me so
my attachment to the entrapment
of my addiction
seductive on the surface
is but an illusion
the comfort is deception
for protection
i no longer need
i see me
i am safe
with me
i am safe
i got me
i am safe
anchored
supported
held
inside my truth
i can expose myself
and allow
you
to see me
and your experience
of me
has no power
to hurt me
that power
full in me
is no longer
my friend…
i wrote this long post on instagram earlier and i’ve spent many moments today questioning. wondering if maybe the post would’ve been better received had i put it here in the blog. i hear myself silently judging…
maybe it’s too long for the gram. who is reading all this anyway? no one cares. this probably isn’t what they want to see… is it?
jeez. when i tell myself THAT bullshit, disempowering story there’s only one thing i want to do.
HIDE.
i hear my old inner voice yelling, “retreat! abort mission!”
the truth is, i am human and as a human, it’s super easy for my old stories to pop up.
i keep reminding myself of this truth while my brain contemplates taking the post down.
but i don’t.
why not?
because i’m experimenting. i am playing with length, with language, with where and when and how i show up. and there is no room for judgment in experiments. just noticing. then tweaking. then trying again.
plus, my gosh. who can tell who sees what on social media anymore?! there is so much out there that if you’re not intentional with deliberately searching for someone and their posts, well– you probably won’t see them.
so here’s what i shared earlier today:
for me?
the journey home has been truly magical, beautiful, and an incredible adventure– one i am still traveling.
writing my story has reminded me of so much pain i numbed out and avoided for so many years.
writing my story has also reconnected me to how much i’ve shed and unbecome over the past five years.
my deepest desire is to affirm hope. wherever you are, whatever you’re going through– when you’re ready, you can heal.
you don’t have to pretend. i promise. and yet i know.
i remember how very alluring and seductive the mask can be and how positively scary the exposure can feel. i know how terrifying visibility can feel and i know for many of us, our protection is rooted deep and has been for many, many, many years.
i don’t expect you to simply read this, rip the mask off, and show up as the real you all the time in every situation. maybe that’ll be what happens, but if you’re like most of us, it’ll be a process.
your unbecoming will be a journey.
no matter how long it takes, you’re worth it.
no matter the effort required, you’re worthy.
and i’ll tell you what– it’ll probably take a lot less effort and energy and time than you think.
if there is anything at all i can do to help support you in the shedding of your layers i hope you’ll reach out.
you my sweet friend, you are not alone.
xo
When you move to make a change in your life, your unconscious mind will resist.
“Nope. We are not doing THAT.“
She may lash out or rage.
She will dig her heels in.
She will scream.
“This doesn’t feel good!!!! I don’t like this at all!”
She does not, I repeat, does not want to change.
This feeling of massive resistance is natural.
It is totally normal.
It is all part of the process of change.
Resistance is embedded in the pavement leading to your dreams. The ONLY way to avoid the resistance is to step off the pavement.
Please don’t do that.
Please don’t quit on your dreams.
Most of us, upon feeling the resistance, will judge it as bad.
We’ll say that it’s wrong and assess that it shouldn’t be happening.
We’ll ask, “How do I stop this and how do I stop it right now????!!!!!!!”
So, we slam on the brakes.
We come to a screeching halt.
We allow our brain to convince us we are “fine”.
We allow our intellect talk us out of our dreams.
My coach implores, “Don’t let your mind convince your heart it’s happy when it’s not.”
Here’s my invitation:
Stay.
If you’re committed to doing the work to transform your life and live your dreams, there are going to be times where you feel uncomfortable.
Stay.
You will want to run away.
Stay.
You might hear, “Psst. Hide. Bury it.”
Stay.
You will feel the temptation to cover up. You may want to mask with the pretty, polished perfection of “fine” and “good”.
Stay.
Feel it. Feel all of it. Feel the temptations. Feel the resistance.
Sit in your uncomfortableness. Let it wash over you. Rub it on your skin. Let it dry and cake so it may crumble away.
Feel it and stay in it.
Lean in.
And know that sometimes it will feel hard to lean. I get it. I’m not saying it’ll be easy.
I am saying, sometimes it will feel hard and I want you to choose to lean in anyway. Stay anyway.
Change requires we do something new. Getting out of our comfort zone calls for us to leave our comfort zone; this will require we get uncomfortable.
The uncomfortable feeling? It’s normal.
You’re doing it right.
Don’t allow your brain to convince you to settle.
Don’t succumb to her lies.
For YEARS I said, “It’s okay. Whatever. It’s fine. I’m fine.”
My growth required me to lift up the mask of perfection and ask myself the tough question: Are you REALLY “fine”?
And the truth? I wasn’t f–ing fine.
I’d just gotten used to things. And that isn’t the same as “fine”.
Wanting to smack down the mirror as it’s being held up for you to look in is totally normal.
Want to smack it down and then stay.
It’s not going to be as hard as your brain is trying to convince you it will be.
It’s not going to be as painful as your mind will tell you it will be.
If your unconscious mind is anything like mine, she is a drama queen and a master catastrophizer.
Friends, consider this…
What if your freedom is right there…
So close you could practically touch it…
What if the heat you’re feeling means you’re near…
What if the yelling is loud because you’re so close to your freedom…
What if your doubts are the sign that you’re going in the RIGHT direction…
And you walk away?
Please don’t give up on yourself and your dreams as you cling to your lie about being fine.
It is absolutely okay to be okay.
But please don’t lie.
You cannot and will not heal what you refuse to look at.
Please let me know how I can best be of support.
You’re worthy.
She’s worth it.
xo,
michelle
This image effects me in a deep way…
There is a tightening in my jaw.
A tension in my neck.
A dull, but present ache in my chest.
Once I allowed the sadness to come and wash over me, I sat with my truth.
The truth of what I saw in this disturbing picture.
A version of my punisher.
The part of me that does not like me.
The part of me who spent years telling me that I would be worthy and valuable if – and only if – I achieved perfection.
The part of me who demanded I adjust, assimilate, and accommodate those around me in order to be worthy of their attention.
The part of me who cracked her whip and shouted, “PERFORM!”
I was on a call with my coach recently when I was struck with an analogy that created a nauseous feeling in my stomach.
I spent much of my life as a circus animal.
Performing.
Night after night. Show after show. Doing tricks for applause. Wearing whatever mask or costume you wanted. Dancing, standing on my back legs, jumping through rings of fire, or just sitting pretty -poised on a stool waiting for my next instruction. Working hard. Working SO hard. My ferocious work ethic fueled by the hope that I’d get rewarded for making the ringmaster happy.
And if I didn’t?
Back to my cage. Alone. To think about what I did. What I didn’t do. And how I could do more, be more, try harder. I wasn’t just seeking external validation. I was inspecting constantly. And in my inspection, I was internally invalidating myself, my choices, my physical appearance, my performance…
You are wrong.
You are bad.
You are unworthy.
You disgust me.
You are fat.
You are ugly.
Fix this. Fix that. Fix everything.
Do more, more, more, MORE!
You are not and never will be enough.
“Okay” I said. Next time. I will work harder.
And I did.
For years.
One of the most empowering things I ever did, was taking responsibility for my personal healing and happiness.
But, the most empowering thing I have done to date, was take full ownership of my personal abuse as the abuser.
I was the punisher.
That was my hand striking the blows.
Those were my words coming out of my mouth.
Was this a learned behavior?
Absolutely.
But the source of the learning was no longer doing the abuse. And keeping myself tethered; a hostage to the teachings was MY doing.
And it was time to own up to that.
Not to abuse myself further. Not to put one more thing on the list of things to feel bad about. NO.
Embedded in my personal responsibility was my freedom… my healing. If I was the one doing it, I was the one who could stop.
You see, for many years I fully believed I deserved to be punished.
But my friends.
When you’re ready to stop.
When you come to the place where you believe you have suffered enough.
You will stop fighting against yourself; fighting against others.
And you will begin to fight for her.
In advocacy.
In love.
Not protection. She doesn’t need protection if you’re not beating her up.
And in that journey, you will heal the relationship with yourself.
So many of these patterns have been embedded for years.
Please give yourself grace as you travel along your path.
Be patient with yourself as you travel your personal healing journey.
But please keep going.
I promise, you are the one you’re waiting for.
xo,
Michelle
If I may be of any support, please connect with me:
Email: coachmichellemoore@gmail.com
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/coachmichellemoore/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/coachmichellemoore/
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCmA27XKdDoD-ftj75inhoaA?view_as=subscriber
Here’s what I did:
I recently read an article by Erika Bruhn. She says, “The truth is, quitting isn’t really giving up. Maybe, when you look further, the words “I quit” could really reflect a person’s self-awareness, mindfulness, and emotional intelligence. What if we, as friends, family, and colleagues, looked at the act of quitting as empowered, one that creates space for self-reflection, dreaming, and appreciation for what no longer serves someone? Could the prospect of saying those two words inspire a healthier path? To quit might just be a lean into what is possible and hello to your next healthy step.”
This topic has been on my heart for the past few weeks. I mean, intellectually, I “get it”. To me, it’s sort of like a spring cleaning of my soul. My commitment to you, my tribe, is to assess the HOW.
That’s what you want to know, right? I mean, if I were you {and I am!} it is absolutely what I’d want to know.
In an anxious and high-strung tone I’d probably say something like, “It sounds great Michelle, but what are the exact steps???????????? If you can tell me, I can and will make it happen. What’s the ‘right’ way to quit?”
Here’s how my high-functioning, super-detailed, over-achiever, highly intellectual, perfectionistic brain works:
I want to know…
On the off chance that you are anything like the me I used to be and the me I sometimes still be, I invite you to read on.
But first, take a breath. {Inhale and exhale through your nose}
And another. {Inhale and exhale through your nose}
And one more.
But this time make it bigger.
Deeper.
Really breathe.
Okay, here’s the honest truth, I don’t have all the answers.
BUT WAIT!!!!!!
I’m committed to working through it. I’m committed to asking questions. Better questions. I’m committed to sharing what’s working for me and what’s not. I’m committed to guiding while I travel and sharing along the way.
With that being said….
Quitting has multiple definitions. Here are a few:
To stop, cease, or discontinue
To give up or resign; let go; relinquish
To free or rid oneself
Choose the definition that feels the best to you and add on one {or more} of the following:
… spending time with or on any person, situation, environment, or thing that I actually don’t care about.
… from any person, situation, environment, or thing that depletes my joy.
… any person, situation, environment, or thing that I don’t enjoy or even like.
From this new space, quitting actually becomes imperative to your success, happiness, and overall fulfillment.
It may sound elementary, but make a list.
2 lists actually.
Inspired by both Mark Manson and Sarah Knight and their work in this conversation, I started writing down what I love and what I don’t love. Things I give a f*ck about and things I simply don’t. It sounds easy, but from my research, very few of us actually take the time to gain this detailed clarity.
And it’s imperative that you do this before moving to the next step….
Say what?!
Yup.
We tend to waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy overcomplicate things.
You want the simple solution?
Stop doing sh*t you hate.
Why are you spending any of your time, energy, and effort on things, circumstances, and people that don’t even have the capacity to bring you the joy you’re craving?
If you don’t care about it, if it doesn’t bring you joy, if you’re drained energetically by it, if you hate it.. why are you spending your time there?
Obligation?
Who says?
Who says you HAVE to do a thing?
Can you find another way to make money?
Can you get help doing tasks you don’t enjoy?
Can you trade or barter services?
If you need to remain in a situation or circumstance for a bit longer, can you change your attitude about it?
Let me give you an example…
I realized that I don’t give a f*ck about the restaurant where I work.
WAIT. Don’t judge. Or you know what? Go ahead and judge.
I genuinely don’t care.
You see, the truth is, I care about the guests I serve. I care about the money I make from that service. I care about many of the people I work with. But I don’t care about the company. It may sound harsh and at first I didn’t want to allow that to be true, but I don’t. I don’t care.
And when I began to recognize the amount of time, energy, and emotional output I was pouring into a thing that I don’t love or care about I was stunned into silence. I was mortified. I was embarrassed at how frivously I was spending my precious f*cks.
And you know what was happening to me energetically? I was irritated. Annoyed. In a bad mood. Frustrated. Unhappy. No fun to work with and no fun to be around. Why? Because I was freely throwing my f*cks out and into an environment where I didn’t care. {facepalm}
And as soon as I stopped? Wow. Immediately, I was happier and more fun to work with. I had an ease and joy about my energy that was palpable. I took better care of the guests. I made more money. I didn’t spend my whole shift fighting.
So. Much. Better.
So, it starts with understanding that winners DO quit. They just quit the right things.
Next comes the clarity. What do you enjoy? What drains you? What do you love? What do you hate? What do you REALLY give a f*ck about?
Finally, comes the choice. Do MORE of what you LOVE and less of what drains you. Do MORE of what you ENJOY and less of what you hate. Stop spending your precious time, your mental, spiritual, physical energy, emotional energy, and limited number of f*cks on the things you don’t actually care about.
I get that it might not be an immediate switch, but if the things that you’re doing, the conversations you’re having, and the work you’re committed to don’t even have the CAPACITY to fulfill you, it might be time to start packing….
xo,
Michelle