You can unlearn their stories



It’s real easy for me to seek outside myself for the answers.

What should I wear?
What should I say?
What books should I read?
What should I eat?
What course should I take?
Who should I follow?
What should I study?
Who should I trust?

My questions all some version of “What’s the right thing to do?”

One of my biggest drivers is to not be wrong.

In that state, I was at the mercy of everyone else while simultaneously reinforcing the (total BS, but very real) story that I can’t be trusted.

Here’s what I learned to do

Step 1 – I redefined “right”

For me, what’s “right” is what feels good for me at the moment.

My inner protector immediately said, “Absolutely not. We cannot trust ourselves with what feels good.” 👈🏻That’s part of our patriarchal programming.

I listened and acknowledged their fears. “You’re right. It is scary. And, it is going to be super fucking uncomfortable until it’s not and that’s okay. We’re going to be with it together. I’m going to be with you and we’re going to learn how to move with the discomfort and fear.”

And we did.
And we are.

Step 2 – Practice the ask

I ask myself + my body what she wants. Wants to eat, wants to wear, wants to read, wants to study, wants to do at this moment.

I ask her if and how she wants to move, when she wants to wake up, when she wants breaks, who she wants to work with and what she wants to do for fun.

Step 3 – I communicate with her + take action on her desires

Sometimes we take action right away and sometimes it’s later that day and sometimes we negotiate to a different day.

I practice trusting her by letting her lead.

And, sometimes I find myself wanting to ask someone if they think I should take a course or hire a coach or take a program or buy the book and in those moments, I smile and I pause.

I remind myself who I am and what I know and I seek an answer from the only person who knows what I want.

ME.

Now I DO believe in external support.

It’s important + necessary.

The support I invest in is support that helps ME tap into MY answers.

Why? Because I’m fucking brilliant about me.

Just like YOU are fucking brilliant about YOU and anyone who has told you differently (even if it’s you) is lying.

They are likely lying because they love you and are trying to keep you safe. And they are lying about you.

You can unlearn the stories.
You can heal your relationship with your reflection.
You can come safely home to who you really are.

Winning at all costs

I spent much of my life rushing to a finish line that didn’t exist + while missing the journey that did⁣

I was working for my worthiness like it was a thing waiting for me at the end of my never-ending to do list ⁣

Earlier this year, my body let me know she was done tolerating what she’d been tolerating (amazingly well!) for so many years ⁣

She got sick⁣

My diet had to be completely overhauled, I was in adrenal fatigue + I was realllllll close to walking myself right into an Autoimmune Disease ⁣

See, one of my programmed patterns is to fight — push though⁣

If you’re like me, I know you get it ⁣

I learned this probably in a similar way you learned it… ⁣

By watching + listening to my parents, teachers, leaders + society in general preach the “Work Harder! Do More! Perform Better! Be Stronger!  Win at all costs! There’s only ONE seat at the table!” battle cry⁣

But the ones who sacrificed the most…⁣

They never really won or got that seat because the game they were playing was unending – never over⁣

But that didn’t stop me from trying to be the ONE – the winner they spoke about ⁣

☝🏻 F * * K     T H A T⁣

I could have killed myself and our “perform for your worthiness patriarchal culture” would have stepped right over my dead body + kept on moving ⁣

 

➡️ l needed to learn that I already had that seat I was hoping to earn ⁣

➡️ I needed to learn to choose me instead of waiting to be chosen by them ⁣

➡️ I needed to learn that getting things done was more important than me doing things ⁣

➡️ I needed to learn that collaboration is better than competition ⁣

➡️ I needed to learn that a table with only one seat is a table built on fear⁣

➡️ I needed to learn that rest is as — if not more — important than work⁣

➡️ I needed to learn how to slow down ⁣

➡️ I needed to learn that it could be safe to slow down + I needed to do the work to make it safe⁣ in my body

☝🏻 Those are practices ⁣

Those are practices I practice daily + they are practices I share with the entrepreneurial women I coach ⁣

Look, I get it⁣

⁣It’s hard to relax⁣⁣

You feel guilty + lazy because there’s so much you should be + could be doing⁣


And even on those days where you do choose to take it easy you end up feeling worse than you did before you took the day off so you promise yourself you won’t do that again anytime soon⁣

You tell yourself that you’ll rest after this thing is done or after you take care of this one more task, but there’s always one more task⁣

You tell yourself + others that you’re at the bottom of your to do list when the truth is you’re not even on it ⁣

I know what you’re afraid of⁣

👉🏻 You’re scared if you stop you won’t start up again⁣

👉🏻 You don’t trust yourself or your body ⁣

👉🏻 You’re afraid of losing your edge⁣

It makes sense⁣

After all, this work ethic is why you’re so successful⁣

(or maybe I’m the only one who thought those things + felt that way)⁣

The truth is, my work HAS changed⁣

No longer do I subscribe to the belief that hard work itself makes me intrinsically virtuous or worthy of reward <– as the definition of work ethic explains

AND

That doesn’t mean I don’t work well – I do

Since making these personal transformations…

✅ I’m more productive⁣

✅ I’m more focused ⁣

✅ I’m more creative ⁣

✅ I’m more inspired ⁣

✅ I’m more organized ⁣

✅ I’m more fluid ⁣

☝🏻 And that’s not all…⁣

✅ I begin my days with me, not with work⁣

✅ My sleep patterns + sleep schedule are more consistent ⁣

✅ I have created + upheld boundaries around my time + my calendar

✅ I say “No” without apologizing, guilt + self-shame

✅ I go on weekly dates with my wife ⁣

✅ I play with my puppies ⁣

✅ I go for walks ⁣

✅ I take breaks + naps

✅ I practice yoga ⁣

✅ I practice meditation⁣

✅ I have created rituals I use throughout the day that allow me to remain in the present moment

✅ I’ve stopped multi-tasking (as much 😉)⁣

✅ I am doing what I want to do ⁣

✅ My body is healthy⁣

Friend, if you’ve got yourself convinced that your unrelenting discipline is serving you, I get it⁣

For years you could not have convinced me otherwise + I have no interest in convincing you, but if you’re tired of feeling exhausted, tense, resentful, stressed out, anxious, secretly out of control while pretending to be in control, overwhelmed + in pain, comment below or send me an email

There’s another way⁣
I promise⁣

xx

what’s your motivation?

 

it is super easy for us to judge others based on the things we see them doing (or not)…
 
we often judge based on comparisons of what WE like and what is working or has worked for US…
 
things like:
 
+ how they care for themselves
+ their work ethic
+ their relationship to food or alcohol
+ how and whom they date
+ their sex life and choice of partner(s)
+ how much rest they get
+ how frequently they workout or meditate
+ how they manage or cope with their stress
 
many of these things we are judging could be based on things THEY have said they were having issues with
 
we’re just trying to help
 
i get it
 
i’ve been on the side of wanting to help (fix) others + I’ve been the one doing the thing that others wanted to help (fix) me with
 
BUT
 
here’s what i’ve learned…
 
it’s less about WHAT one is doing and more about WHY they are doing it
 
+ i’ve not taken care of myself out of fear and over-serving for approval AND i’ve chosen to put me after someone else with intention because of a deadline and/or i knew i’d get to me later that day
 
+ i’ve worked HARD out of fear and a desire for approval AND i’ve worked hard for a deadline and from a place of intentional choice
 
+ i’ve eaten food for comfort and to numb out how i was feeling AND i’ve had the same food because i wanted it and it brought me pleasure
 
+ i’ve drank because i wanted to enjoy a glass of wine or bourbon AND i’ve drank because i didn’t want to feel my feelings
 
+ i’ve dated for fear of being alone AND dated because i wanted to spend time exploring new people
 
+ i’ve had sex for approval and a desire to be loved because i was afraid i wasn’t enough AND i’ve had sex because i wanted to experience the pleasure
 
+ i’ve stayed up all night because i was scared of getting in trouble for not finishing what i started and out of fear of being abandoned if i wasn’t “good” AND i’ve chosen to stay up because i was geeked about what i was doing + creating
 
+ i’ve worked out from a place of hating my body AND i’ve worked out because i love my body + want to move and stretch her
 
+ i’ve hidden my stress for fear of not being loved and received + i’ve spoken up for attention AND i have expressed my needs to ask for support + i’ve used my voice to be real and make authentic, vulnerable connections
 
in my world
it’s never about the WHAT we are doing
it’s always about the WHY
 
i invite you to dig deeper
with yourself + others
what you find may surprise you…
 
 
xoxox

ignoring what is doesn’t make it not

 

full speed ahead 24/7/365 causes crashes
 
i know because
i’ve been on the floor
more than once
i’ve lost my sh*t
so many times i stopped counting
i’ve cried hysterically
after screaming at the top of my lungs
when something didn’t go my way
or plans changed
i’ve been so tense my muscles
forgot how to relax
i’ve clawed at my skin
to hold down the rage
 
but you didn’t know
i wouldn’t let you know
on the outside
i was successful
i was achieving
i was helpful & reliable
i looked the part
i was nice
i was friendly
i was pretty & polished
 
on the inside
i was raging
i was short-circuiting
i was melting down
i was burning out
 
>> many successful women are burning out <<
 
it’s a badge of honor to be busy & exhausted
we brag about our lack of sleep and long hours
like they give out awards for suffering
 
we drink a bottle of wine a night
every night
gotta numb out
so we can function
 
we take pills
to stop our tears
to block our emotions
we don’t have time to open that flood gate
if we did
we doubt
it would ever close
we’ve been locked up
so long
silent
for years
 
our hard work is our salvation
really our protection
disguised as our perfection
keeping us from slowing down long enough
to look at the reality of our lives
 
burnout doesn’t happen overnight
it’s a slow burning fuse
 
>> there are warnings << 
 

the problem is, most of us ignore them because they are so accepted and expected that we don’t recognize them for the red flags they are

so
we push harder
motivating ourselves with self-abuse
 
it’s called being an adult
we say
pull it together
put your big girl panties on
just do it
what’s wrong with you
we ask
so-and-so has it worse than you
you’re so lazy
and then we justify
 
it’s not that bad
everyone i know is fried
i’m too busy
i don’t have time
today is the ONLY day to get things done
look at our to-do list
he needs me
they need me
she needs me
it’s fine
i’m fine
i’m fine
bullshit
 
first, you’re not fine
second, fine is not a feeling
 
let’s stop pretending
let’s look at what is REAL
ignoring what is doesn’t make it not
 
if you’re curious about what you might be missing, click here and grab The 31 Most Commonly Missed Signs of Burnout for Women
 
it’s time we reclaim our power 🔥
 
xoxo
 

[numb]


⁣⁣
⁣⁣[ < numb > ]

unfortunately ⁣
we have become ⁣⁣⁣⁣
a comfortably numb⁣⁣⁣⁣
⁣zombie ⁣⁣⁣society ⁣⁣⁣of addicts ⁣⁣⁣⁣
chugging down⁣⁣⁣⁣
our cough medicine ⁣⁣⁣⁣
of choice ⁣⁣⁣⁣
⁣⁣⁣⁣
terrified to ⁣⁣
feel ⁣⁣
unwilling to ⁣⁣
confront ⁣⁣
our pain ⁣⁣⁣⁣
terrified of ⁣
our unapologetic⁣
wild passion⁣
⁣⁣
lives spent ⁣⁣
committed to ⁣⁣⁣⁣
dulling ⁣⁣
the truth ⁣⁣⁣⁣

numbing ⁣
has no discernment⁣
we choose ⁣
no pain⁣
we choose ⁣
no joy ⁣

so our soul ⁣⁣sits ⁣⁣
in hospice ⁣⁣
we lie ⁣⁣
not living ⁣⁣
waiting ⁣⁣
to die ⁣⁣
numbed out ⁣⁣⁣⁣
dumbed down ⁣⁣⁣⁣
committed ⁣⁣
to our not feeling ⁣⁣
⁣⁣
i used to ⁣⁣
i used to ⁣⁣
not feel ⁣⁣

it was not⁣⁣
until i ⁣⁣
learned to ⁣⁣
be with ⁣⁣⁣⁣
what was ⁣⁣
what is ⁣⁣
really real  ⁣⁣⁣⁣
that i ⁣⁣
helped my body ⁣⁣
truly heal ⁣⁣
⁣⁣
for years ⁣⁣
i thought i was ⁣⁣
comfortable⁣⁣
but i was only numb ⁣


[2015]

wants upon a time…


i took this picture four years ago⁣
to the day⁣
january 3rd, 2015⁣


i remember this moment⁣
i wanted to capture it⁣


i was sad and pissed⁣
in a good way⁣
fired up⁣
about my own self⁣


i’d been working with a coach…
involved in personal development…
attending live events…
doing all of this for just over a year⁣…
and in this moment…
standing in the kitchen in my condo⁣…

i was done
pretending⁣
faking it⁣
acting like i was happy when i wasn’t⁣
i was done
with the bullsh*t
with MY bullsh*t


annndddd⁣
allow me to be ⁣
REALLY
REALLY
CLEAR⁣


standing there⁣
i didn’t have the answers⁣
i was struggling financially⁣
i was unfulfilled ⁣
i was working in a career i no longer wanted to be in⁣
i was uncertain of my purpose ⁣
i was unsure of my next moves⁣
i had no clarity on the how or the what or any of the specifics ⁣

AND⁣

the first step ⁣
the one i think folks frequently forget about ⁣
the FIRST step⁣
is the one where you get tired of your own bullsh*t

you get tired of hitting the wall you keep hitting⁣
you get tired of the sexy stories (lies)
the lies you’re telling
about how you’re fine
it’s fine
you’re happy
it’s okay
you’re okay⁣
you get tired
of being sick
you get tired⁣
of being so tired

because it’s from THAT point ⁣
that point where you’re done ⁣
that point when you’re really ready to put down the struggle ⁣
it’s from that point⁣
things can change⁣
and by things⁣
i mean ⁣


E  V  E  R  Y  T  H  I N  G⁣


i didn’t know…

four months after i took this pic i’d invest in a coaching certification⁣

i didn’t know…

one year after that i’d be a certified neruotransformational coach

and my friend
i didn’t have the capacity
i lacked the vision
to see that four years after i took this picture i’d be…⁣

happier than i ever imagined was possible⁣
fulfilled at a level i thought someone like me could never reach⁣
so on fire ⁣
fiercely passionate⁣
crazy wild ⁣
courageous⁣
in love with me⁣
in love with life⁣
in love with humanity ⁣
on purpose⁣
deep in my trust and knowingness that i’ve got me⁣


i knew people lived this way⁣
i’d heard of ’em⁣
i’d seen one or two ⁣
but i did not
SHE did not know it was possible for her⁣

she had no clue what was coming for her⁣
and friend, neither do you⁣

my invitation is to get in the work on yourself⁣
invest in your healing ⁣
THAT is what’s necessary⁣
that’s the answer to your struggle ⁣
it may not be the answer you’re looking for ⁣
it may not be the answer you want to hear⁣
but it is the answer⁣
the REAL answer ⁣
there are no shortcuts ⁣
no quick fixes⁣
no one-size-fits-all approach to your UNIQUE self⁣

you’re not broken⁣
you can heal ⁣
you can learn to love and trust yourself⁣
it is possible for someone like you⁣
i promise⁣
but i don’t know any of us⁣
who do it alone⁣

if you want to talk about what that would or could look like, ask⁣

if i’m not the one, find you someone⁣

your future self will thank you⁣


xo


i don’t know

 

i don’t know

i know

it’s not cute

but it is

a hit

that feeds

the addiction

calms

the twitching

 

that beast within

is becoming extinct

she’s dying

and she’s afraid

so she rages

in her attempts

to cling

to life

she scratches

on occasion

i can smell her fear

 

i know

i no longer

need the sanctuary of that old story

i know

i no longer

need the high of your attention

i know

i no longer

need the protection of my pretending

i don’t know

 

because

the truth is

i do know

the truth

i’m done pretending

i am not

 

she needs me to know me

i get me

she needs me to own me

i got me

she needs me

it’s time

step-up mic-up pen-up speak-up show-up

visible

 

i know

i am

the truth 

i’d been acting 

like i’m not 

 

she is begging

pleading 

stop

pretending

faking

feigning

weakness

ignorance

stupidity

 

but that hit…

of attention

so addictive 

feels

so

very

good 

another hit…

inhale

hold it 

 

feel the 

love

as it courses through my brain

exhale slow

feel the

approval

settling in my veins

 

confirming

validating 

all the things 

i’d been contemplating 

my worthiness

my intelligence

my pretty

my polished

perfection 

good enough 

only is

if you 

please

tell me so 

 

 

my attachment to the entrapment

of my addiction

seductive on the surface

is but an illusion

the comfort is deception

for protection

i no longer need

 

i see me

i am safe

with me

i am safe

i got me

i am safe

 

anchored

supported

held

inside my truth

i can expose myself 

and allow 

you 

to see me

and your experience 

of me

has no power

to hurt me 

that power 

full in me 

is no longer

 

 

 

 

who are you?

 

my friend…

i wrote this long post on instagram earlier and i’ve spent many moments today questioning.  wondering if maybe the post would’ve been better received had i put it here in the blog. i hear myself silently judging…

maybe it’s too long for the gram.  who is reading all this anyway?  no one cares.  this probably isn’t what they want to see… is it?

jeez.  when i tell myself THAT bullshit, disempowering story there’s only one thing i want to do.

HIDE.

i hear my old inner voice yelling, “retreat!  abort mission!”

the truth is, i am human and as a human, it’s super easy for my old stories to pop up.

i keep reminding myself of this truth while my brain contemplates taking the post down.

but i don’t.

why not?

because i’m experimenting.  i am playing with length, with language, with where and when and how i show up.  and there is no room for judgment in experiments.  just noticing.  then tweaking. then trying again.

plus, my gosh.  who can tell who sees what on social media anymore?!  there is so much out there that if you’re not intentional with deliberately searching for someone and their posts, well– you probably won’t see them.

so here’s what i shared earlier today:

{who am i}
I don’t know ⁣⁣
⁣⁣
You tell me ⁣⁣
I’ll be ⁣⁣
What you need ⁣⁣
Me to be ⁣⁣
To be ⁣⁣
Loved ⁣⁣
⁣⁣
I am ⁣⁣
Who I ⁣⁣
Pretend to be ⁣⁣
Scared to be ⁣⁣
The real me ⁣⁣
Safe ⁣
Under the mask ⁣⁣
I spent my whole life constructing ⁣⁣
⁣⁣
Getting to know ⁣⁣
The woman under ⁣⁣
Cover of protection ⁣⁣
Has been ⁣⁣
Messy⁣⁣
Has felt ⁣
Scary ⁣
I’ve felt ⁣
Angry ⁣
It’s been ⁣
Exquisite ⁣
⁣⁣
You’re in there ⁣⁣
You see ⁣
You’re just ⁣
Buried ⁣⁣
Beneath ⁣
Programmed  ⁣⁣
For protection ⁣⁣
Heart crying⁣⁣
For imperfection ⁣⁣
Soul dying ⁣⁣
For connection ⁣⁣

It is possible to unbecome ⁣⁣
Everything you’re not ⁣⁣
You can let⁣
The layers crumble ⁣
You can take ⁣
The mask off ⁣
You can allow ⁣
Everything you are ⁣⁣
To show ⁣⁣
To shine ⁣⁣
To glow ⁣⁣

Noooo⁣!!!!!!!!!!
They can’t know ⁣
They can’t see ⁣
Me exposed ⁣

⁣Please know⁣⁣
While this may feel scary ⁣⁣
The fear is only temporary ⁣⁣
The pain of pretending ⁣⁣
The weight of the mask ⁣⁣
The effort of the act ⁣⁣
Is slowly killing you ⁣⁣
Crushing your spirit ⁣⁣
Choking off your soul’s song ⁣
⁣⁣
You deserve ⁣
Life unleashed ⁣⁣
Freedom ⁣⁣
Happiness ⁣⁣
Love  ⁣⁣
Real love ⁣
Wild ⁣
Crazy ⁣
Unapologetic ⁣
Authentic ⁣
Deep love ⁣
From the inside out ⁣
⁣⁣
⁣My friend ⁣
You are love ⁣

⁣She is waiting ⁣
For you ⁣
Begging you ⁣
Please ⁣
Come home ⁣⁣

⁣Reunite⁣
With yourself ⁣⁣
By yourself ⁣⁣
Fall⁣
Into yourself ⁣⁣
Surrender ⁣
Trust ⁣
You’ve got you ⁣

for me?

the journey home has been truly magical, beautiful, and an incredible adventure– one i am still traveling.

writing my story has reminded me of so much pain i numbed out and avoided for so many years.

writing my story has also reconnected me to how much i’ve shed and unbecome over the past five years.

my deepest desire is to affirm hope.  wherever you are, whatever you’re going through– when you’re ready, you can heal.

 

you don’t have to pretend.  i promise.  and yet i know.

 

i remember how very alluring and seductive the mask can be and how positively scary the exposure can feel.  i know how terrifying visibility can feel and i know for many of us, our protection is rooted deep and has been for many, many, many years.

 

i don’t expect you to simply read this, rip the mask off, and show up as the real you all the time in every situation.  maybe that’ll be what happens, but if you’re like most of us, it’ll be a process.

 

your unbecoming will be a journey.

 

no matter how long it takes, you’re worth it.

no matter the effort required, you’re worthy.

 

and i’ll tell you what– it’ll probably take a lot less effort and energy and time than you think.

 

if there is anything at all i can do to help support you in the shedding of your layers i hope you’ll reach out.

 

you my sweet friend, you are not alone.

 

 

xo

 

It’s fine. I’m fine.

 

 

When you move to make a change in your life, your unconscious mind will resist.

“Nope.  We are not doing THAT.

She may lash out or rage.

She will dig her heels in.

She will scream.

“This doesn’t feel good!!!! I don’t like this at all!”

She does not, I repeat, does not want to change.

 

This feeling of massive resistance is natural.

It is totally normal.

It is all part of the process of change.

Resistance is embedded in the pavement leading to your dreams. The ONLY way to avoid the resistance is to step off the pavement.

 

Please don’t do that.

Please don’t quit on your dreams.

Most of us, upon feeling the resistance, will judge it as bad.

We’ll say that it’s wrong and assess that it shouldn’t be happening.

 

 

We’ll ask, “How do I stop this and how do I stop it right now????!!!!!!!”

So, we slam on the brakes.

We come to a screeching halt.

We allow our brain to convince us we are “fine”.

We allow our intellect talk us out of our dreams.

My coach implores, “Don’t let your mind convince your heart it’s happy when it’s not.” 

Here’s my invitation:  

Stay.

If you’re committed to doing the work to transform your life and live your dreams, there are going to be times where you feel uncomfortable.

Stay.

You will want to run away.

Stay. 

You might hear, “Psst.  Hide.  Bury it.”

Stay.  

You will feel the temptation to cover up.  You may want to mask with the pretty, polished perfection of “fine” and “good”.

Stay. 

Feel it. Feel all of it.  Feel the temptations.  Feel the resistance.

Sit in your uncomfortableness.  Let it wash over you.  Rub it on your skin.  Let it dry and cake so it may crumble away.

Feel it and stay in it.

Lean in.

And know that sometimes it will feel hard to lean.  I get it.  I’m not saying it’ll be easy.

I am saying, sometimes it will feel hard and I want you to choose to lean in anyway.  Stay anyway.

Change requires we do something new.  Getting out of our comfort zone calls for us to leave our comfort zone; this will require we get uncomfortable.

The uncomfortable feeling?  It’s normal.

You’re doing it right.

Don’t allow your brain to convince you to settle.

Don’t succumb to her lies.

For YEARS I said, “It’s okay. Whatever. It’s fine. I’m fine.” 

 

My growth required me to lift up the mask of perfection and ask myself the tough question:  Are you REALLY “fine”?

And the truth?  I wasn’t f–ing fine.

I’d just gotten used to things.  And that isn’t the same as “fine”.

 

Wanting to smack down the mirror as it’s being held up for you to look in is totally normal.

Want to smack it down and then stay.

It’s not going to be as hard as your brain is trying to convince you it will be.

It’s not going to be as painful as your mind will tell you it will be.

If your unconscious mind is anything like mine, she is a drama queen and a master catastrophizer.

Friends, consider this…

What if your freedom is right there…

So close you could practically touch it…

What if the heat you’re feeling means you’re near…

What if the yelling is loud because you’re so close to your freedom…

What if your doubts are the sign that you’re going in the RIGHT direction…

And you walk away?

 

 

Please don’t give up on yourself and your dreams as you cling to your lie about being fine.

 

 

 

It is absolutely okay to be okay.

But please don’t lie.

You cannot and will not heal what you refuse to look at.

Please let me know how I can best be of support.

You’re worthy.

She’s worth it.

 

xo,

michelle

 

I was both the ringmaster and the circus animal.

 

 

This image effects me in a deep way…

There is a tightening in my jaw.

A tension in my neck.

A dull, but present ache in my chest.

Once I allowed the sadness to come and wash over me, I sat with my truth.

The truth of what I saw in this disturbing picture.

A version of my punisher.

The part of me that does not like me.

The part of me who spent years telling me that I would be worthy and valuable if – and only if – I achieved perfection.

The part of me who demanded I adjust, assimilate, and accommodate those around me in order to be worthy of their attention.

The part of me who cracked her whip and shouted, “PERFORM!” 

 


 

I was on a call with my coach recently when I was struck with an analogy that created a nauseous feeling in my stomach.

I spent much of my life as a circus animal.

Performing.

Night after night. Show after show.  Doing tricks for applause.  Wearing whatever mask or costume you wanted.  Dancing, standing on my back legs, jumping through rings of fire, or just sitting pretty -poised on a stool waiting for my next instruction.  Working hard.  Working SO hard.  My ferocious work ethic fueled by the hope that I’d get rewarded for making the ringmaster happy.

And if I didn’t?

Back to my cage.  Alone.  To think about what I did.  What I didn’t do. And how I could do more, be more, try harder.  I wasn’t just seeking external validation.  I was inspecting constantly.  And in my inspection, I was internally invalidating myself, my choices, my physical appearance, my performance…

You are wrong.

You are bad.

You are unworthy.

You disgust me.

You are fat.

You are ugly.

Fix this.  Fix that.  Fix everything.

Do more, more, more, MORE!

You are not and never will be enough.

 

“Okay” I said.  Next time.  I will work harder.

And I did.

For years.

 


 

One of the most empowering things I ever did, was taking responsibility for my personal healing and happiness.

But, the most empowering thing I have done to date, was take full ownership of my personal abuse as the abuser.

I was the punisher.

That was my hand striking the blows.

Those were my words coming out of my mouth.

Was this a learned behavior?

Absolutely.

But the source of the learning was no longer doing the abuse.  And keeping myself tethered; a hostage to the teachings was MY doing.

And it was time to own up to that.

Not to abuse myself further.  Not to put one more thing on the list of things to feel bad about.  NO.

Embedded in my personal responsibility was my freedom… my healing.  If I was the one doing it, I was the one who could stop.

You see, for many years I fully believed I deserved to be punished.

But my friends.

When you’re ready to stop.

When you come to the place where you believe you have suffered enough.

You will stop fighting against yourself; fighting against others.

And you will begin to fight for her.

In advocacy.

In love.

Not protection.  She doesn’t need protection if you’re not beating her up.

And in that journey, you will heal the relationship with yourself.

So many of these patterns have been embedded for years.

Please give yourself grace as you travel along your path.

Be patient with yourself as you travel your personal healing journey.

But please keep going.

I promise, you are the one you’re waiting for.

xo,

Michelle

 

 

 

If I may be of any support, please connect with me:

 

Email:  coachmichellemoore@gmail.com

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/coachmichellemoore/

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