I don’t understand why I’m so tired…
I spent much of my life rushing to a finish line that didn’t exist + while missing the journey that did
I was working for my worthiness like it was a thing waiting for me at the end of my never-ending to do list
Earlier this year, my body let me know she was done tolerating what she’d been tolerating (amazingly well!) for so many years
She got sick
My diet had to be completely overhauled, I was in adrenal fatigue + I was realllllll close to walking myself right into an Autoimmune Disease
See, one of my programmed patterns is to fight — push though
If you’re like me, I know you get it
I learned this probably in a similar way you learned it…
By watching + listening to my parents, teachers, leaders + society in general preach the “Work Harder! Do More! Perform Better! Be Stronger! Win at all costs! There’s only ONE seat at the table!” battle cry
But the ones who sacrificed the most…
They never really won or got that seat because the game they were playing was unending – never over
But that didn’t stop me from trying to be the ONE – the winner they spoke about
☝🏻 F * * K T H A T
I could have killed myself and our “perform for your worthiness patriarchal culture” would have stepped right over my dead body + kept on moving
➡️ l needed to learn that I already had that seat I was hoping to earn
➡️ I needed to learn to choose me instead of waiting to be chosen by them
➡️ I needed to learn that getting things done was more important than me doing things
➡️ I needed to learn that collaboration is better than competition
➡️ I needed to learn that a table with only one seat is a table built on fear
➡️ I needed to learn that rest is as — if not more — important than work
➡️ I needed to learn how to slow down
➡️ I needed to learn that it could be safe to slow down + I needed to do the work to make it safe in my body
☝🏻 Those are practices
Those are practices I practice daily + they are practices I share with the entrepreneurial women I coach
Look, I get it
It’s hard to relax
You feel guilty + lazy because there’s so much you should be + could be doing
And even on those days where you do choose to take it easy you end up feeling worse than you did before you took the day off so you promise yourself you won’t do that again anytime soon
You tell yourself that you’ll rest after this thing is done or after you take care of this one more task, but there’s always one more task
You tell yourself + others that you’re at the bottom of your to do list when the truth is you’re not even on it
I know what you’re afraid of
👉🏻 You’re scared if you stop you won’t start up again
👉🏻 You don’t trust yourself or your body
👉🏻 You’re afraid of losing your edge
It makes sense
After all, this work ethic is why you’re so successful
(or maybe I’m the only one who thought those things + felt that way)
The truth is, my work HAS changed
No longer do I subscribe to the belief that hard work itself makes me intrinsically virtuous or worthy of reward <– as the definition of work ethic explains
That doesn’t mean I don’t work well – I do
Since making these personal transformations…
✅ I’m more productive
✅ I’m more focused
✅ I’m more creative
✅ I’m more inspired
✅ I’m more organized
✅ I’m more fluid
☝🏻 And that’s not all…
✅ I begin my days with me, not with work
✅ My sleep patterns + sleep schedule are more consistent
✅ I have created + upheld boundaries around my time + my calendar
✅ I say “No” without apologizing, guilt + self-shame
✅ I go on weekly dates with my wife
✅ I play with my puppies
✅ I go for walks
✅ I take breaks + naps
✅ I practice yoga
✅ I practice meditation
✅ I have created rituals I use throughout the day that allow me to remain in the present moment
✅ I’ve stopped multi-tasking (as much 😉)
✅ I am doing what I want to do
✅ My body is healthy
Friend, if you’ve got yourself convinced that your unrelenting discipline is serving you, I get it
For years you could not have convinced me otherwise + I have no interest in convincing you, but if you’re tired of feeling exhausted, tense, resentful, stressed out, anxious, secretly out of control while pretending to be in control, overwhelmed + in pain, comment below or send me an email
There’s another way
just because you’ve been walking the same way on the same path for a looooonnnnnnnnng time, doesn’t mean that path is taking you where you want to go.
it’s possible, that it’s time to change directions.
i’ve been in this super reflective space all week and just an hour or so ago, i threw my 2018 planner in the trashcan. along with it, i threw my 2017 planner away. yup. i’d been holding onto that as well.
it’s funny how we keep things because we have convinced ourselves that holding onto something is easier than throwing it out.
even if it’s no longer fulfilling a purpose… no longer serving us.
change requires us to look at how we’re operating.
and after looking, we want to ask ourselves:
“is this serving me?”
“is this working?”
“is this going to take me to this next level?”
and if the answer is “NOPE”, then we owe it to ourselves to make a change.
so, i’ve been changing.
i’m replacing habits.
i’m creating new patterns.
i’m practicing new behaviors.
i’m crafting new routines.
i’m making new intentional choices.
here are a few of my personal reflections…
1. i have a tendency toward complication.
i’m human so i can (sometimes) make things harder– more complicated– than they need to be.
what i know for sure is that life can be complicated.
why on earth would i add to that complication by efforting so hard and making my solutions complicated???
would you like to know what slices through complication 100% of the time?
2. newton’s first law of motion.
an object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion stays in motion with the same speed and the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force.
here’s what that law means to me:
i’ll continue doing things the same way i’ve always done them unless i choose to intentionally stop and make a change.
and the way i’ve always done things probably won’t work for me in creating this new life i long to be living; and it certainly won’t lead me down this new path i crave to travel.
what i’ve done so far has gotten me to where i am so far and if i want to go anywhere different than i am right now, things have to evolve.
i have to be willing to do something new.
i have to be willing to travel somewhere i’ve never traveled before.
i have to be willing to become the woman who will attract my desires.
and that’s much more about UNbecoming who i’m not than it is about BEcoming someone new.
3. my life is waiting for me.
and so is yours.
we’ve got to get in the game.
we’ve got to participate in the manifestation of our dreams.
wishing and hoping and praying and meditating are all amazing things to do.
AND, you’ve gotta back them up with action.
your life is waiting for YOU to participate.
your life is waiting for YOU to get off the sidelines.
your life is waiting for YOU to stop talking and start BEing.
your life is waiting for YOU to stop pretending.
your life is waiting for YOU to say YES.
your life is waiting for YOU to go all in.
your life is waiting for YOU.
you’re worth it.
you don’t have to know the details.
you don’t have to see the answers before you say yes.
you don’t have to see the path.
in fact, that request right there?
it is an impossible request.
and if that’s where you’re stuck, i get it. i spent much of my life there.
but the reality is, as my coach says, “there’s no familiar path to a new territory.”
you can learn to trust yourself to try.
i know you can because i did.
if you know you need support and you’re ready to take action, send me an e–mail. i’d love to set up a time to chat with you.
happy new year friend.
When you move to make a change in your life, your unconscious mind will resist.
“Nope. We are not doing THAT.“
She may lash out or rage.
She will dig her heels in.
She will scream.
“This doesn’t feel good!!!! I don’t like this at all!”
She does not, I repeat, does not want to change.
This feeling of massive resistance is natural.
It is totally normal.
It is all part of the process of change.
Resistance is embedded in the pavement leading to your dreams. The ONLY way to avoid the resistance is to step off the pavement.
Please don’t do that.
Please don’t quit on your dreams.
Most of us, upon feeling the resistance, will judge it as bad.
We’ll say that it’s wrong and assess that it shouldn’t be happening.
We’ll ask, “How do I stop this and how do I stop it right now????!!!!!!!”
So, we slam on the brakes.
We come to a screeching halt.
We allow our brain to convince us we are “fine”.
We allow our intellect talk us out of our dreams.
My coach implores, “Don’t let your mind convince your heart it’s happy when it’s not.”
Here’s my invitation:
If you’re committed to doing the work to transform your life and live your dreams, there are going to be times where you feel uncomfortable.
You will want to run away.
You might hear, “Psst. Hide. Bury it.”
You will feel the temptation to cover up. You may want to mask with the pretty, polished perfection of “fine” and “good”.
Feel it. Feel all of it. Feel the temptations. Feel the resistance.
Sit in your uncomfortableness. Let it wash over you. Rub it on your skin. Let it dry and cake so it may crumble away.
Feel it and stay in it.
And know that sometimes it will feel hard to lean. I get it. I’m not saying it’ll be easy.
I am saying, sometimes it will feel hard and I want you to choose to lean in anyway. Stay anyway.
Change requires we do something new. Getting out of our comfort zone calls for us to leave our comfort zone; this will require we get uncomfortable.
The uncomfortable feeling? It’s normal.
You’re doing it right.
Don’t allow your brain to convince you to settle.
Don’t succumb to her lies.
For YEARS I said, “It’s okay. Whatever. It’s fine. I’m fine.”
My growth required me to lift up the mask of perfection and ask myself the tough question: Are you REALLY “fine”?
And the truth? I wasn’t f–ing fine.
I’d just gotten used to things. And that isn’t the same as “fine”.
Wanting to smack down the mirror as it’s being held up for you to look in is totally normal.
Want to smack it down and then stay.
It’s not going to be as hard as your brain is trying to convince you it will be.
It’s not going to be as painful as your mind will tell you it will be.
If your unconscious mind is anything like mine, she is a drama queen and a master catastrophizer.
Friends, consider this…
What if your freedom is right there…
So close you could practically touch it…
What if the heat you’re feeling means you’re near…
What if the yelling is loud because you’re so close to your freedom…
What if your doubts are the sign that you’re going in the RIGHT direction…
And you walk away?
Please don’t give up on yourself and your dreams as you cling to your lie about being fine.
It is absolutely okay to be okay.
But please don’t lie.
You cannot and will not heal what you refuse to look at.
Please let me know how I can best be of support.
She’s worth it.
Earlier today I heard my coach say, “If you really are committed to producing the kind of future that you want; don’t stand in judgment of the past that you didn’t want. It doesn’t work that way.”
I remember the first time I was exposed to this idea. It was 2016 and I was in the room at a week long coaching certification being held in Los Angeles. I was pretty stuck in my attachment to my role as a victim in my past. I grew up with alcoholism and abuse in the home and it impacted how I grew up. I was sharing this with my coach and he asked, “Could you have left?” I said an emphatic, “NO! I was a child.”
What followed was one of the most profound things I’d heard and I’ll forever remember how hard it landed. He said, “I’m not asking should you have left. I’m asking could you have left?”
And the answer was yes.
I could have.
I could have walked out. I had working legs and access to the door.
And me holding myself as a victim to my past with no options; holding onto myself as choice-less – was keeping me attached to that disempowering story. Keeping me attached to the pain. Unable to do anything about it.
I had created an energetic string between me in the present and my place in my disempowered story of my past.
And from that attached place, there was no way I could be empowered in the moment, let alone in the future.
While I believe each individual and every situation is personal, at a high-level, I also believe that our ability to be empowered in the future breaks down into 2 main categories:
You have to own that you made a choice. There is empowerment embedded in the ownership. We all make the best choices we can in the moment that we make them. We decide to do, not to do, go, not to go, enter into relationship or conversation… we decide all of these things coming from our highest level of awareness at the time.
If we knew better, we’d do better. You have to recognize that you didn’t have access to how things would turn out in the future when you made the choice you did; so it’s actually unfair to judge yourself based on the results you didn’t know you’d get.
Earlier today a friend of mine posted Maya Angelou’s famous quote on his Facebook page…
My comment on his post leads directly into the second step to empowerment….
It is what it is. Period. You decided. You made a choice. And remember, a “non-choice” is still a choice. Own it, but please, please, please don’t hold judgment for yourself for what you did/said/experienced when you didn’t know better.
Acceptance doesn’t have to come with self-abuse. Beating yourself up about it isn’t going to help. At all. And yet, so many of us are deeply raging against our own selves. Calling ourselves dumb, worthless, failures, and a torrent of other obscenities that we’d never dare verbalize for fear that we’d be committed.
Once you’ve taken ownership, you’re free to make a new choice.
Here’s what we want to remember:
Our being at choice is empowering.
But, being a victim to the actions of others is easier.
Or as my coach, Sean Smith, says, “Blame is so much easier than responsibility. But I’ve never known it to solve a person’s problems.”
Holding someone else to blame requires them to change for us to feel better. And that may never happen.
If you want to be empowered NOW, you’ll want to own your choices.
At least as options.
Because in possibility, there is hope.
Hope for your healing.