
i don’t know
i know
it’s not cute
but it is
a hit
that feeds
the addiction
calms
the twitching
that beast within
is becoming extinct
she’s dying
and she’s afraid
so she rages
in her attempts
to cling
to life
she scratches
on occasion
i can smell her fear
i know
i no longer
need the sanctuary of that old story
i know
i no longer
need the high of your attention
i know
i no longer
need the protection of my pretending
i don’t know
because
the truth is
i do know
the truth
i’m done pretending
i am not
she needs me to know me
i get me
she needs me to own me
i got me
she needs me
it’s time
step-up mic-up pen-up speak-up show-up
visible
i know
i am
the truth
i’d been acting
like i’m not
she is begging
pleading
stop
pretending
faking
feigning
weakness
ignorance
stupidity
but that hit…
of attention
so addictive
feels
so
very
good
another hit…
inhale
hold it
feel the
love
as it courses through my brain
exhale slow
feel the
approval
settling in my veins
confirming
validating
all the things
i’d been contemplating
my worthiness
my intelligence
my pretty
my polished
perfection
good enough
only is
if you
please
tell me so
my attachment to the entrapment
of my addiction
seductive on the surface
is but an illusion
the comfort is deception
for protection
i no longer need
i see me
i am safe
with me
i am safe
i got me
i am safe
anchored
supported
held
inside my truth
i can expose myself
and allow
you
to see me
and your experience
of me
has no power
to hurt me
that power
full in me
is no longer
Earlier today I heard my coach say, “If you really are committed to producing the kind of future that you want; don’t stand in judgment of the past that you didn’t want. It doesn’t work that way.”
I remember the first time I was exposed to this idea. It was 2016 and I was in the room at a week long coaching certification being held in Los Angeles. I was pretty stuck in my attachment to my role as a victim in my past. I grew up with alcoholism and abuse in the home and it impacted how I grew up. I was sharing this with my coach and he asked, “Could you have left?” I said an emphatic, “NO! I was a child.”
What followed was one of the most profound things I’d heard and I’ll forever remember how hard it landed. He said, “I’m not asking should you have left. I’m asking could you have left?”
And the answer was yes.
I could have.
I could have walked out. I had working legs and access to the door.
And me holding myself as a victim to my past with no options; holding onto myself as choice-less – was keeping me attached to that disempowering story. Keeping me attached to the pain. Unable to do anything about it.
I had created an energetic string between me in the present and my place in my disempowered story of my past.
And from that attached place, there was no way I could be empowered in the moment, let alone in the future.
While I believe each individual and every situation is personal, at a high-level, I also believe that our ability to be empowered in the future breaks down into 2 main categories:
You have to own that you made a choice. There is empowerment embedded in the ownership. We all make the best choices we can in the moment that we make them. We decide to do, not to do, go, not to go, enter into relationship or conversation… we decide all of these things coming from our highest level of awareness at the time.
If we knew better, we’d do better. You have to recognize that you didn’t have access to how things would turn out in the future when you made the choice you did; so it’s actually unfair to judge yourself based on the results you didn’t know you’d get.
Earlier today a friend of mine posted Maya Angelou’s famous quote on his Facebook page…
My comment on his post leads directly into the second step to empowerment….
It is what it is. Period. You decided. You made a choice. And remember, a “non-choice” is still a choice. Own it, but please, please, please don’t hold judgment for yourself for what you did/said/experienced when you didn’t know better.
Acceptance doesn’t have to come with self-abuse. Beating yourself up about it isn’t going to help. At all. And yet, so many of us are deeply raging against our own selves. Calling ourselves dumb, worthless, failures, and a torrent of other obscenities that we’d never dare verbalize for fear that we’d be committed.
Once you’ve taken ownership, you’re free to make a new choice.
Here’s what we want to remember:
Our being at choice is empowering.
But, being a victim to the actions of others is easier.
Or as my coach, Sean Smith, says, “Blame is so much easier than responsibility. But I’ve never known it to solve a person’s problems.”
Holding someone else to blame requires them to change for us to feel better. And that may never happen.
If you want to be empowered NOW, you’ll want to own your choices.
At least as options.
Possibilities.
Because in possibility, there is hope.
Hope for your healing.
xo,
Michelle
Here’s what I did:
I recently read an article by Erika Bruhn. She says, “The truth is, quitting isn’t really giving up. Maybe, when you look further, the words “I quit” could really reflect a person’s self-awareness, mindfulness, and emotional intelligence. What if we, as friends, family, and colleagues, looked at the act of quitting as empowered, one that creates space for self-reflection, dreaming, and appreciation for what no longer serves someone? Could the prospect of saying those two words inspire a healthier path? To quit might just be a lean into what is possible and hello to your next healthy step.”
This topic has been on my heart for the past few weeks. I mean, intellectually, I “get it”. To me, it’s sort of like a spring cleaning of my soul. My commitment to you, my tribe, is to assess the HOW.
That’s what you want to know, right? I mean, if I were you {and I am!} it is absolutely what I’d want to know.
In an anxious and high-strung tone I’d probably say something like, “It sounds great Michelle, but what are the exact steps???????????? If you can tell me, I can and will make it happen. What’s the ‘right’ way to quit?”
Here’s how my high-functioning, super-detailed, over-achiever, highly intellectual, perfectionistic brain works:
I want to know…
On the off chance that you are anything like the me I used to be and the me I sometimes still be, I invite you to read on.
But first, take a breath. {Inhale and exhale through your nose}
And another. {Inhale and exhale through your nose}
And one more.
But this time make it bigger.
Deeper.
Really breathe.
Okay, here’s the honest truth, I don’t have all the answers.
BUT WAIT!!!!!!
I’m committed to working through it. I’m committed to asking questions. Better questions. I’m committed to sharing what’s working for me and what’s not. I’m committed to guiding while I travel and sharing along the way.
With that being said….
Quitting has multiple definitions. Here are a few:
To stop, cease, or discontinue
To give up or resign; let go; relinquish
To free or rid oneself
Choose the definition that feels the best to you and add on one {or more} of the following:
… spending time with or on any person, situation, environment, or thing that I actually don’t care about.
… from any person, situation, environment, or thing that depletes my joy.
… any person, situation, environment, or thing that I don’t enjoy or even like.
From this new space, quitting actually becomes imperative to your success, happiness, and overall fulfillment.
It may sound elementary, but make a list.
2 lists actually.
Inspired by both Mark Manson and Sarah Knight and their work in this conversation, I started writing down what I love and what I don’t love. Things I give a f*ck about and things I simply don’t. It sounds easy, but from my research, very few of us actually take the time to gain this detailed clarity.
And it’s imperative that you do this before moving to the next step….
Say what?!
Yup.
We tend to waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy overcomplicate things.
You want the simple solution?
Stop doing sh*t you hate.
Why are you spending any of your time, energy, and effort on things, circumstances, and people that don’t even have the capacity to bring you the joy you’re craving?
If you don’t care about it, if it doesn’t bring you joy, if you’re drained energetically by it, if you hate it.. why are you spending your time there?
Obligation?
Who says?
Who says you HAVE to do a thing?
Can you find another way to make money?
Can you get help doing tasks you don’t enjoy?
Can you trade or barter services?
If you need to remain in a situation or circumstance for a bit longer, can you change your attitude about it?
Let me give you an example…
I realized that I don’t give a f*ck about the restaurant where I work.
WAIT. Don’t judge. Or you know what? Go ahead and judge.
I genuinely don’t care.
You see, the truth is, I care about the guests I serve. I care about the money I make from that service. I care about many of the people I work with. But I don’t care about the company. It may sound harsh and at first I didn’t want to allow that to be true, but I don’t. I don’t care.
And when I began to recognize the amount of time, energy, and emotional output I was pouring into a thing that I don’t love or care about I was stunned into silence. I was mortified. I was embarrassed at how frivously I was spending my precious f*cks.
And you know what was happening to me energetically? I was irritated. Annoyed. In a bad mood. Frustrated. Unhappy. No fun to work with and no fun to be around. Why? Because I was freely throwing my f*cks out and into an environment where I didn’t care. {facepalm}
And as soon as I stopped? Wow. Immediately, I was happier and more fun to work with. I had an ease and joy about my energy that was palpable. I took better care of the guests. I made more money. I didn’t spend my whole shift fighting.
So. Much. Better.
So, it starts with understanding that winners DO quit. They just quit the right things.
Next comes the clarity. What do you enjoy? What drains you? What do you love? What do you hate? What do you REALLY give a f*ck about?
Finally, comes the choice. Do MORE of what you LOVE and less of what drains you. Do MORE of what you ENJOY and less of what you hate. Stop spending your precious time, your mental, spiritual, physical energy, emotional energy, and limited number of f*cks on the things you don’t actually care about.
I get that it might not be an immediate switch, but if the things that you’re doing, the conversations you’re having, and the work you’re committed to don’t even have the CAPACITY to fulfill you, it might be time to start packing….
xo,
Michelle