i don’t know

 

i don’t know

i know

it’s not cute

but it is

a hit

that feeds

the addiction

calms

the twitching

 

that beast within

is becoming extinct

she’s dying

and she’s afraid

so she rages

in her attempts

to cling

to life

she scratches

on occasion

i can smell her fear

 

i know

i no longer

need the sanctuary of that old story

i know

i no longer

need the high of your attention

i know

i no longer

need the protection of my pretending

i don’t know

 

because

the truth is

i do know

the truth

i’m done pretending

i am not

 

she needs me to know me

i get me

she needs me to own me

i got me

she needs me

it’s time

step-up mic-up pen-up speak-up show-up

visible

 

i know

i am

the truth 

i’d been acting 

like i’m not 

 

she is begging

pleading 

stop

pretending

faking

feigning

weakness

ignorance

stupidity

 

but that hit…

of attention

so addictive 

feels

so

very

good 

another hit…

inhale

hold it 

 

feel the 

love

as it courses through my brain

exhale slow

feel the

approval

settling in my veins

 

confirming

validating 

all the things 

i’d been contemplating 

my worthiness

my intelligence

my pretty

my polished

perfection 

good enough 

only is

if you 

please

tell me so 

 

 

my attachment to the entrapment

of my addiction

seductive on the surface

is but an illusion

the comfort is deception

for protection

i no longer need

 

i see me

i am safe

with me

i am safe

i got me

i am safe

 

anchored

supported

held

inside my truth

i can expose myself 

and allow 

you 

to see me

and your experience 

of me

has no power

to hurt me 

that power 

full in me 

is no longer

 

 

 

 

I was both the ringmaster and the circus animal.

 

 

This image effects me in a deep way…

There is a tightening in my jaw.

A tension in my neck.

A dull, but present ache in my chest.

Once I allowed the sadness to come and wash over me, I sat with my truth.

The truth of what I saw in this disturbing picture.

A version of my punisher.

The part of me that does not like me.

The part of me who spent years telling me that I would be worthy and valuable if – and only if – I achieved perfection.

The part of me who demanded I adjust, assimilate, and accommodate those around me in order to be worthy of their attention.

The part of me who cracked her whip and shouted, “PERFORM!” 

 


 

I was on a call with my coach recently when I was struck with an analogy that created a nauseous feeling in my stomach.

I spent much of my life as a circus animal.

Performing.

Night after night. Show after show.  Doing tricks for applause.  Wearing whatever mask or costume you wanted.  Dancing, standing on my back legs, jumping through rings of fire, or just sitting pretty -poised on a stool waiting for my next instruction.  Working hard.  Working SO hard.  My ferocious work ethic fueled by the hope that I’d get rewarded for making the ringmaster happy.

And if I didn’t?

Back to my cage.  Alone.  To think about what I did.  What I didn’t do. And how I could do more, be more, try harder.  I wasn’t just seeking external validation.  I was inspecting constantly.  And in my inspection, I was internally invalidating myself, my choices, my physical appearance, my performance…

You are wrong.

You are bad.

You are unworthy.

You disgust me.

You are fat.

You are ugly.

Fix this.  Fix that.  Fix everything.

Do more, more, more, MORE!

You are not and never will be enough.

 

“Okay” I said.  Next time.  I will work harder.

And I did.

For years.

 


 

One of the most empowering things I ever did, was taking responsibility for my personal healing and happiness.

But, the most empowering thing I have done to date, was take full ownership of my personal abuse as the abuser.

I was the punisher.

That was my hand striking the blows.

Those were my words coming out of my mouth.

Was this a learned behavior?

Absolutely.

But the source of the learning was no longer doing the abuse.  And keeping myself tethered; a hostage to the teachings was MY doing.

And it was time to own up to that.

Not to abuse myself further.  Not to put one more thing on the list of things to feel bad about.  NO.

Embedded in my personal responsibility was my freedom… my healing.  If I was the one doing it, I was the one who could stop.

You see, for many years I fully believed I deserved to be punished.

But my friends.

When you’re ready to stop.

When you come to the place where you believe you have suffered enough.

You will stop fighting against yourself; fighting against others.

And you will begin to fight for her.

In advocacy.

In love.

Not protection.  She doesn’t need protection if you’re not beating her up.

And in that journey, you will heal the relationship with yourself.

So many of these patterns have been embedded for years.

Please give yourself grace as you travel along your path.

Be patient with yourself as you travel your personal healing journey.

But please keep going.

I promise, you are the one you’re waiting for.

xo,

Michelle

 

 

 

If I may be of any support, please connect with me:

 

Email:  coachmichellemoore@gmail.com

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/coachmichellemoore/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/coachmichellemoore/

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCmA27XKdDoD-ftj75inhoaA?view_as=subscriber

 

 

When you don’t feel “merry” or “bright”…

 

 

I wasn’t in the mood for Christmas.  I simply was not feeling “merry” or “bright” this season.

 

I spent the morning of Christmas Eve sitting in my car with tears streaming down my face, feeling a sadness and a loss and a heaviness on my heart.  It felt different than I’ve felt before and I was worried about myself.  Was I depressed?  I’d been kind of down for the couple days prior and it seemed to be getting worse.

 

To be fully transparent, there were a few external factors that could have contributed to my mood:

  1. We didn’t decorate.
  2. We didn’t buy presents.
  3. We weren’t with family.

However, all of those were deliberate and intentional choices.

We closed on our first home just 3 days after Christmas and we had a lot happening this year.

SO…

  1.  Frankly, the thought of decorating was unappealing.
  2. Our monies were on lock-down due to the closing and any presents we were giving and getting were going to be after we closed and for our new home.
  3. Traveling to Ohio or Michigan or Maryland to be with family didn’t feel like the best choice this year and it wasn’t financially intelligent.

BUT…

With the exception of closing on the house, none of that stuff was “new” for us.

  1.  There have been years past where I wasn’t in the mood to decorate.
  2. There have been a few times over the years where we’ve been down and out financially and were unable to afford gifts.
  3. With family so spread out and jobs in the restaurant industry, there have been many, many years where we’ve not been with family during the holiday.

HOWEVER…

Despite all of the hiccups in the past, we’ve always had our traditions.  We bake cookies and make hot cocoa and drive around looking at neighborhood Christmas lights.  I make cinnamon rolls for breakfast and we talk to family.  We cook dinner, we have drinks, play games, and watch Christmas movies all day.

But this year I didn’t want to do any of it.

Not a single thing.

I just wanted to stay in bed, snuggled under the covers with my pups.

I felt super lonely and simultaneously wanted to be left alone.

 

I felt this emotional sadness until December 26th.  By late afternoon that day I felt better.  I could tell because there was a tangible shift in my energy.

So, while I know we’re now past Christmas and into the new year, I want to share what I did over those few days.

You see, life will deliver you many opportunities to feel overwhelmed and to feel pressured with expectations on how you’re “supposed to” feel.  There will probably be times where you’ll experience sadness, be in “a mood”, feel anxious, or simply find yourself in an unexplainable funk, and if you do, I want you to know there’s hope.

 

1.  I let a couple of people see the “real me”.

 

I allowed myself to been seen in my sadness by a few people I trusted and I knew would hold the space for me to just be.  I texted a friend and told her what was really going on with me.  I told another friend what I felt sad about and allowed myself to be vulnerable and honest with her when she came by work to wish me a Merry Christmas.

When you’re feeling down, it’s important that you don’t hide.  This part of you isn’t “bad”.  It doesn’t deserve to be shunned and punished.  It needs to be loved on and nurtured.

Start by giving that to yourself.  Give yourself permission to feel how you feel.  Tell yourself it’s okay, look in the mirror and say “I love you”, and take your right arm to your left shoulder and your left arm to your right shoulder and squeeze.

Next, find a safe space where you can be seen in your perfectly imperfect, messy, snot-nosed glory.  This might be with your Mom or Dad, a friend, a coach, a mentor, or an accountability partner.  You’re simply looking for a place or a moment in time where you can be who you really are and feel what you’re really feeling.  Oftentimes, you don’t need a discussion.  You simply need someone to know what’s really going on with you.  Another soul with whom you can share your authentic truth.

I am learning that part of emotional intelligence is recognizing that certain situations (my job) do call for me to “pull it together” because my emotional meltdown isn’t their problem, but that doesn’t mean I can’t tell a friend that I’m sad.

 

2.  I didn’t pretend to be happy.  

 

I didn’t put on a “happy face”.  I didn’t “fake it ’til I made it”.  When you’re in this space, I invite you to try and get neutral instead of trying to be happy.  Maybe you’re currently over in Funk-Town.  Please do not try to get to I’m-Super-Cheery-Ville.  In my opinion, it’s waaaaaay too far to travel.  When people ask how you are, you don’t have to say, “I’m awesome!” You can say, “I’m okay.”

There’s a balance between wallowing and complaining (something I do NOT recommend) and just being present with what is.  Oftentimes when we hide what’s real for us it comes from a place of feeling shame, guilt, or embarrassment.  We tell ourselves that we shouldn’t feel this way, that other people have their own problems, and that they don’t need to be “bothered” by us and our feelings.

Who you are and what you’re feeling is no bother.

Who you are and what you’re feeling is exquisite.

 

3.  I cried.

 

You’ve got to express yourself.  Cry, hit a pillow, throw a kicking and screaming tantrum, go to an arcade and throw or shoot something, journal, go for a run, take a kickboxing class, or do whatever else feels honoring to your soul.

Emotions are meant to be felt so they can be released.  No holding back here.  Personally, I cried.  Then I cried again.  Then again.  That’s what felt right to me.  There’s no right or wrong answer here.  You simply want to get the emotions moving.  Trust me, they don’t want to be lodged in your body anymore than you want them there.

 

4.  I rested.

 

When all else fails, take a nap.  Sometimes the only thing to do is close your eyes and catch some zzz’s.  It can often act as a pattern interrupt for the funk.  I’ve found that feeling sad is exhausting and sometimes the tired amplifies my sadness which leads to overwhelm and … {cue vicious cycle}.

You’re allowed to take a nap.

You’re allowed to get a full night of sleep.

You’re allowed to take care of you.

 

 

 

This wasn’t my first funk.  It won’t be my last.  What’s important is that we remember, “Feelings are just visitors, let them come and go.” We don’t have to attach a story about what they mean or what they’re saying about who we are.  We can just sit with them as they move through us.

 

What are the things that YOU do when you find yourself in one of these funks?  I’d love to hear from you!  Please share any questions or comments below.

Wishing you presence in this new year.

xo,

Michelle