perfectionism – Perfectly Imperfect

Why am I so tired?

I don’t understand why I’m so tired…

⁣

For years, I needed to find a reason to explain the way I felt. ⁣

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ESPECIALLY if the way I felt meant that I didn’t want to work. ⁣

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Do you relate?⁣

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It was as though the fact that I was feeling tired wasn’t a good enough reason to rest, so I needed to search for some sort of justification. ⁣

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I see this a lot with entrepreneurs. ⁣

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We have so many tasks⁣

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We have multiple things we want to accomplish⁣

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There are an unending amount of items to check-off our to do lists⁣

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So if we feel *anything* other than work-driven, accomplish all the things, get it done right now, urgent energy…⁣

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We feel less than⁣

Worthless

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And in order to soothe the guilt that we feel for feeling tired, we search for the justification. ⁣

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It is okay for us to rest if we’re sick. We can give ourselves permission to take time off if (and only if) we are ill. ⁣

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But what if we ARE tired + we’re NOT sick? ⁣

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What if we’re NOT running a fever?⁣

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What if we don’t have the flu?⁣

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What if we want to rest because we are exhausted — even if we aren’t able to justify why? ⁣

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What if we felt like we had permission to listen to our bodies without explaining to ourselves or anybody else why we want to do that? ⁣

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I know it’s not easy to do because I know that society teaches us something 𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺 different. ⁣

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Society teaches us that rest is for weak people + reminds us that we can sleep when we’re dead and tells us to just push through and calls us forward to work harder + set bigger goals and GO GO GO GO! ⁣

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And society teaches women that they can’t trust themselves or the needs of their bodies and that if we do, we need to have a justifiable explanation. ⁣

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So of course we believe we have to explain how we feel. ⁣

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There’s nothing wrong with you if you’re not able to rest “guilt-free”. ⁣

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The guilt we experience is a normal, conditioned response. ⁣

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Your response is a reaction to the programming of our don’t stop can’t stop culture. ⁣

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And it’s part of the reason that many of the women I know and work with are…⁣

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On the verge of burnout⁣

In desperate need of a break⁣

Overworked⁣

Struggling with autoimmune disease⁣

Overwhelmed⁣

Stressed out⁣

Not asking for help⁣

Telling themselves they can’t slow down⁣

Convinced that nothing will get done if they don’t do it ⁣

Dismissing their own dreams + desires⁣

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All of it makes sense. ⁣

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Until we detox from the programming that has trained us to believe that our work equals our worth, it will not be okay for us to rest. ⁣

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The switch is not easy (it took me years!) and for many of us with cultural, generational, and individual traumas, it’s more complex.⁣

BUT IT IS POSSIBLE.

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You can begin the process by honoring your body‘s feelings without asking her to justify them.⁣

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what’s your motivation?

it is super easy for us to judge others based on the things we see them doing (or not)…

we often judge based on comparisons of what WE like and what is working or has worked for US…

things like:

+ how they care for themselves

+ their work ethic

+ their relationship to food or alcohol

+ how and whom they date

+ their sex life and choice of partner(s)

+ how much rest they get

+ how frequently they workout or meditate

+ how they manage or cope with their stress

many of these things we are judging could be based on things THEY have said they were having issues with

we’re just trying to help

i get it

i’ve been on the side of wanting to help (fix) others + I’ve been the one doing the thing that others wanted to help (fix) me with

BUT

here’s what i’ve learned…

it’s less about WHAT one is doing and more about WHY they are doing it

+ i’ve not taken care of myself out of fear and over-serving for approval AND i’ve chosen to put me after someone else with intention because of a deadline and/or i knew i’d get to me later that day

+ i’ve worked HARD out of fear and a desire for approval AND i’ve worked hard for a deadline and from a place of intentional choice

+ i’ve eaten food for comfort and to numb out how i was feeling AND i’ve had the same food because i wanted it and it brought me pleasure

+ i’ve drank because i wanted to enjoy a glass of wine or bourbon AND i’ve drank because i didn’t want to feel my feelings

+ i’ve dated for fear of being alone AND dated because i wanted to spend time exploring new people

+ i’ve had sex for approval and a desire to be loved because i was afraid i wasn’t enough AND i’ve had sex because i wanted to experience the pleasure

+ i’ve stayed up all night because i was scared of getting in trouble for not finishing what i started and out of fear of being abandoned if i wasn’t “good” AND i’ve chosen to stay up because i was geeked about what i was doing + creating

+ i’ve worked out from a place of hating my body AND i’ve worked out because i love my body + want to move and stretch her

+ i’ve hidden my stress for fear of not being loved and received + i’ve spoken up for attention AND i have expressed my needs to ask for support + i’ve used my voice to be real and make authentic, vulnerable connections

in my world

it’s never about the WHAT we are doing

it’s always about the WHY

i invite you to dig deeper

with yourself + others

what you find may surprise you…

xoxox

ignoring what is doesn’t make it not

full speed ahead 24/7/365 causes crashes

i know because

i’ve been on the floor

more than once

i’ve lost my sh*t

so many times i stopped counting

i’ve cried hysterically

after screaming at the top of my lungs

when something didn’t go my way

or plans changed

i’ve been so tense my muscles

forgot how to relax

i’ve clawed at my skin

to hold down the rage

but you didn’t know

i wouldn’t let you know

on the outside

i was successful

i was achieving

i was helpful & reliable

i looked the part

i was nice

i was friendly

i was pretty & polished

on the inside

i was raging

i was short-circuiting

i was melting down

i was burning out

>> many successful women are burning out <<

it’s a badge of honor to be busy & exhausted

we brag about our lack of sleep and long hours

like they give out awards for suffering

we drink a bottle of wine a night

every night

gotta numb out

so we can function

we take pills

to stop our tears

to block our emotions

we don’t have time to open that flood gate

if we did

we doubt

it would ever close

we’ve been locked up

so long

silent

for years

our hard work is our salvation

really our protection

disguised as our perfection

keeping us from slowing down long enough

to look at the reality of our lives

burnout doesn’t happen overnight

it’s a slow burning fuse

>> there are warnings <<

the problem is, most of us ignore them because they are so accepted and expected that we don’t recognize them for the red flags they are

we push harder

motivating ourselves with self-abuse

it’s called being an adult

we say

pull it together

put your big girl panties on

just do it

what’s wrong with you

we ask

so-and-so has it worse than you

you’re so lazy

and then we justify

it’s not that bad

everyone i know is fried

i’m too busy

i don’t have time

today is the ONLY day to get things done

look at our to-do list

he needs me

they need me

she needs me

it’s fine

i’m fine

i’m fine

bullshit

first, you’re not fine

second, fine is not a feeling

let’s stop pretending

let’s look at what is REAL

ignoring what is doesn’t make it not

if you’re curious about what you might be missing, click here and grab The 31 Most Commonly Missed Signs of Burnout for Women

it’s time we reclaim our power 🔥

xoxo

your dreams are dying in the life you’re not living.

Desires.

For so long I pretended I was unworthy. Like I had to do more and be more to earn the right to want. Ugh. “Earn the right to want…”

The law had been written and I had declared, “I never was nor would I ever be enough.” I had crowned myself “unworthy” and so it was.

Eventually, I stopped wanting. It wasn’t safe. It was too risky.

My dreams and desires were trapped. Locked inside my soul, fighting to come out– to come alive. Longing to be spoken out loud into the Universe, fueled by the oxygen of my breath. But, I’d build a wall to keep them in.

And yet I stood there yelling about how I can’t dream and how I don’t know what I want, but the reality was, I’d built the wall to trap my desires. I put the padlock on the chains, I latched it closed, the lock was on MY side of the door, and I was the one person holding the only key.

And yet, I was angry and throwing a fit about how it wasn’t fair.

Like many of you, I was waiting. Telling myself, I’d express my desires if a few standards were met…

I had to know it was safe.

I needed “them” to prove they could be trusted with my desires.

And more than that? I needed to know for sure that what I wanted would come true before I dare speak anything out loud.

Can you relate?

Good luck with that.

You’re going to wait forever.

Why?

Because you’re requesting the impossible. You’re demanding an unknown prediction of the future so that you can ensure everything will work out the way you want it to and if and only if you get the guarantee will you then come back to the present and take action and speak your desires aloud.

Pretending you “don’t know” feels safer.

Pretending feels more comfortable than confronting the truth: Your desires and dreams are not safe with you.

How do I know? Because I wasn’t safe with me for years. I couldn’t trust myself so I hunted for my answers– sought out my dreams– in others. “You tell me what I should want,” I’d say.

My gluttonous consumption of information and my addiction to the intoxication– high off of the answers others gave me– had me waking up everyday with a pounding headache and a hangover from hell because the shots they poured and what I guzzled down didn’t have the capacity to satiate my soul’s real longing.

Things began to change for me when I admitted all of this to myself and recognized that the solutions I was getting were to the questions I was asking, but I wasn’t asking the right questions.

Friend, it is possible to live a life liberated. It is possible to dismantle and transform the lie you’re living disguised as a life you’re not living, extinguish your suffering, unlock the padlock, and release your soul.

your suffering is optional

while i don’t recall the moment i first heard haruki murakami’s quote, i distinctly remember the feeling in my body. my jaw clenched and my shoulders rolled back and tightened as i began to embody a fighting stance. i was under attack and preparing myself for battle. i was ready to defend my suffering. i was set to argue against anyone who would dare try to take my limitations away.

now, as i reflect on that version of me, i feel a sadness for her. but her aggressively defensive behavior makes sense to me.

when i was told my suffering was optional, i made it mean that it was a choice. and i didn’t want to hear that i was CHOOSING to suffer.

why?

because that would mean i would no longer be able to blame my mom or my dad or my life or those people over there or this circumstance here or my finances or that one person from 15 years ago who called me fat or that teacher who wouldn’t help me or that guy that broke my heart or that girl who said those things mean things.

if my suffering was a choice, i’d have to stop saying it was “them” keeping me down and admit that it was me.

and friend, i didn’t like that one bit.

but, here’s the thing that’s important to understand if you want to live an empowered life– your experience is 100% within your control.

if we are suffering, it is our choice.

if you are suffering, it is your choice.

i was reading an article that described it like this: it is possible to experience pain and not suffer as much as it’s possible to suffer and not be in any physical pain.

to me, the suffering kicks in when we become emotionally entangled in our pain. when we take our pain and we attach who we are to that pain we will suffer. when we beat ourselves up (physically, mentally, or emotionally) for our pain, we will suffer. when we continue our self-abuse with guilt and shame, we will continue our suffering.

THESE are the things that are our choice.

the painful or traumatic or painful thing that happened? that’s not on you.

but, making that event(s) mean something negative about who you are, beating yourself up again and again for your perceived mistake(s), and torturing yourself with guilt and shame… friend, those things are your choice.

if you believe you’ve suffered enough, comment below or send me an email at michelle@coachmichellemoore.com. i’d love to support you. and if you haven’t suffered enough, carry on. but, as you carry on, do it will full ownership that at this point, the suffering you’re experiencing is YOUR CHOICE.

blame is easier, but it’s never healed a hurting human. please don’t try to be the first.

how to stop giving a sh*t about what other people think

people frequently ask me this question:

how do i stop giving a sh*t about what other people think?

my answer?

you can’t.

i kid. but not really. the truth is, anyone who isn’t a sociopath is going to care what other people think.

so, the question is flawed. i’ll explain.

i have a friend who acts without attachment to the opinions of others. i have always viewed her as a mythical creature possessing a skill i desperately desired. we were hanging out a few years ago when i asked her, “have you always been able to not care what other people think?” i can clearly remember how i felt when she replied, “i’ve always been this way. it’s just who i am.”

it was a gut punch.

dang. so, what? i’m destined to be stuck in this perpetual cycle of people pleasing for the rest of my life?

now, i’m not saying that answer wasn’t true for her. in fact, i believe it is and i believe it is for many. the problem was, i wasn’t the many.

and if you are not the many either, keep reading…

first, let’s change the question:

how can i care deeply, AND not give a sh*t?

friend, you can learn how to care deeply AND not give a sh*t. you can hear the opinions of others AND not be stopped by them. you can learn to process feedback as feedback AND not take it as a personal attack. you can learn to understand that other people are sharing their experiences of you AND not take on their experiences as your own truth.

now, this is an individual conversation filled with individual answers, but from my experience– both as a coach and as someone who lived most of her life addicted to attention and approval; most of us who are in the cycle of people-pleasing have equated our safety and stability with making others happy.

i will be okay if everyone else is okay.

the danger here is that when we outsource our stability, safety, and security; we are not in control of the one thing we have any control over: OURSELVES.

we become paranoid in our compulsive obsession of what other people are thinking, preoccupied with personal manipulation in an attempt to please them, and completely sacrificing self in the process.

you can care deeply and not be stopped by their opinions, but in order to do that, you have to be willing to confront and heal your relationship to your own judgments of you.

nothing anyone says about you has the power to shake you; unless there is a part of you that believes the things they are saying.

we have to first, heal our relationship with our reflection.

when there is no longer personal pain projected, we are much better equipped to take action on our goals without weaving our judgments into the conversation pretending they belong to others.

i’d love to hear your thoughts…

[numb]


 ⁣⁣
 ⁣⁣[ < numb > ]

 unfortunately ⁣
 we have become ⁣⁣⁣⁣
 a comfortably numb⁣⁣⁣⁣
 ⁣zombie ⁣⁣⁣society ⁣⁣⁣of addicts ⁣⁣⁣⁣
 chugging down⁣⁣⁣⁣
 our cough medicine ⁣⁣⁣⁣
 of choice ⁣⁣⁣⁣
 ⁣⁣⁣⁣
 terrified to ⁣⁣
 feel ⁣⁣
 unwilling to ⁣⁣
 confront ⁣⁣
 our pain ⁣⁣⁣⁣
 terrified of ⁣
 our unapologetic⁣
 wild passion⁣
 ⁣⁣
 lives spent ⁣⁣
 committed to ⁣⁣⁣⁣
 dulling ⁣⁣
 the truth ⁣⁣⁣⁣
 ⁣
 numbing ⁣
 has no discernment⁣
 we choose ⁣
 no pain⁣
 we choose ⁣
 no joy ⁣
 ⁣
 so our soul ⁣⁣sits ⁣⁣
 in hospice ⁣⁣
 we lie ⁣⁣
 not living ⁣⁣
 waiting ⁣⁣
 to die ⁣⁣
 numbed out ⁣⁣⁣⁣
 dumbed down ⁣⁣⁣⁣
 committed ⁣⁣
 to our not feeling ⁣⁣
 ⁣⁣
 i used to ⁣⁣
 i used to ⁣⁣
 not feel ⁣⁣
 ⁣
 it was not⁣⁣
 until i ⁣⁣
 learned to ⁣⁣
 be with ⁣⁣⁣⁣
 what was ⁣⁣
 what is ⁣⁣
 really real  ⁣⁣⁣⁣
 that i ⁣⁣
 helped my body ⁣⁣
 truly heal ⁣⁣
 ⁣⁣
 for years ⁣⁣
 i thought i was ⁣⁣
 comfortable⁣⁣
 but i was only numb ⁣
 ⁣

is the path you’re walking taking you where you want to go?

just because you’ve been walking the same way on the same path for a looooonnnnnnnnng time, doesn’t mean that path is taking you where you want to go.

it’s possible, that it’s time to change directions.

i’ve been in this super reflective space all week and just an hour or so ago, i threw my 2018 planner in the trashcan. along with it, i threw my 2017 planner away. yup. i’d been holding onto that as well.

it’s funny how we keep things because we have convinced ourselves that holding onto something is easier than throwing it out.

even if it’s no longer fulfilling a purpose… no longer serving us.

dang.

change requires us to look at how we’re operating.
our habits
our patterns
our behaviors
our routines
our choices

and after looking, we want to ask ourselves:
“is this serving me?”
“is this working?”
“is this going to take me to this next level?”

and if the answer is “NOPE”, then we owe it to ourselves to make a change.

so, i’ve been changing.

i’m replacing habits.
i’m creating new patterns.
i’m practicing new behaviors.
i’m crafting new routines.
i’m making new intentional choices.

here are a few of my personal reflections…

1. i have a tendency toward complication.

i’m human so i can (sometimes) make things harder– more complicated– than they need to be.

what i know for sure is that life can be complicated.

why on earth would i add to that complication by efforting so hard and making my solutions complicated???

would you like to know what slices through complication 100% of the time?

simplicity.

2. newton’s first law of motion.

an object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion stays in motion with the same speed and the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force.

here’s what that law means to me:
i’ll continue doing things the same way i’ve always done them unless i choose to intentionally stop and make a change.

and the way i’ve always done things probably won’t work for me in creating this new life i long to be living; and it certainly won’t lead me down this new path i crave to travel.

what i’ve done so far has gotten me to where i am so far and if i want to go anywhere different than i am right now, things have to evolve.

i have to be willing to do something new.

i have to be willing to travel somewhere i’ve never traveled before.

i have to be willing to become the woman who will attract my desires.

and that’s much more about UNbecoming who i’m not than it is about BEcoming someone new.

3. my life is waiting for me.

and so is yours.
we’ve got to get in the game.
we’ve got to participate in the manifestation of our dreams.

wishing and hoping and praying and meditating are all amazing things to do.

AND, you’ve gotta back them up with action.

your life is waiting for YOU to participate.
your life is waiting for YOU to get off the sidelines.
your life is waiting for YOU to stop talking and start BEing.
your life is waiting for YOU to stop pretending.
your life is waiting for YOU to say YES.
your life is waiting for YOU to go all in.
your life is waiting for YOU.

show up.
you’re worth it.
you don’t have to know the details.
you don’t have to see the answers before you say yes.
you don’t have to see the path.
in fact, that request right there?
it is an impossible request.

and if that’s where you’re stuck, i get it. i spent much of my life there.

but the reality is, as my coach says, “there’s no familiar path to a new territory.”

you can learn to trust yourself to try.
i know you can because i did.

if you know you need support and you’re ready to take action, send me an e–mail. i’d love to set up a time to chat with you.

happy new year friend.

xo

i don’t know

i know

it’s not cute

but it is

a hit

that feeds

the addiction

calms

the twitching

that beast within

is becoming extinct

she’s dying

and she’s afraid

so she rages

in her attempts

to cling

to life

she scratches

on occasion

i can smell her fear

i know

i no longer

need the sanctuary of that old story

i know

i no longer

need the high of your attention

i know

i no longer

need the protection of my pretending

i don’t know

because

the truth is

i do know

the truth

i’m done pretending

i am not

she needs me to know me

i get me

she needs me to own me

i got me

she needs me

it’s time

step-up mic-up pen-up speak-up show-up

visible

i know

i am

the truth

i’d been acting

like i’m not

she is begging

pleading

stop

pretending

faking

feigning

weakness

ignorance

stupidity

but that hit…

of attention

so addictive

feels

very

good

another hit…

inhale

hold it

feel the

love

as it courses through my brain

exhale slow

feel the

approval

settling in my veins

confirming

validating

all the things

i’d been contemplating

my worthiness

my intelligence

my pretty

my polished

perfection

good enough

only is

if you

please

tell me so

my attachment to the entrapment

of my addiction

seductive on the surface

is but an illusion

the comfort is deception

for protection

i no longer need

i see me

i am safe

with me

i am safe

i got me

i am safe

anchored

supported

held

inside my truth

i can expose myself

and allow

you

to see me

and your experience

of me

has no power

to hurt me

that power

full in me

is no longer

who are you?

my friend…

i wrote this long post on instagram earlier and i’ve spent many moments today questioning. wondering if maybe the post would’ve been better received had i put it here in the blog. i hear myself silently judging…

maybe it’s too long for the gram. who is reading all this anyway? no one cares. this probably isn’t what they want to see… is it?

jeez. when i tell myself THAT bullshit, disempowering story there’s only one thing i want to do.

HIDE.

i hear my old inner voice yelling, “retreat! abort mission!”

the truth is, i am human and as a human, it’s super easy for my old stories to pop up.

i keep reminding myself of this truth while my brain contemplates taking the post down.

but i don’t.

why not?

because i’m experimenting. i am playing with length, with language, with where and when and how i show up. and there is no room for judgment in experiments. just noticing. then tweaking. then trying again.

plus, my gosh. who can tell who sees what on social media anymore?! there is so much out there that if you’re not intentional with deliberately searching for someone and their posts, well– you probably won’t see them.

so here’s what i shared earlier today:

{who am i}

I don’t know ⁣⁣
⁣⁣
You tell me ⁣⁣
I’ll be ⁣⁣
What you need ⁣⁣
Me to be ⁣⁣
To be ⁣⁣
Loved ⁣⁣
⁣⁣

I am ⁣⁣
Who I ⁣⁣
Pretend to be ⁣⁣
Scared to be ⁣⁣
The real me ⁣⁣
Safe ⁣
Under the mask ⁣⁣
I spent my whole life constructing ⁣⁣
⁣⁣

Getting to know ⁣⁣
The woman under ⁣⁣
Cover of protection ⁣⁣
Has been ⁣⁣
Messy⁣⁣
Has felt ⁣
Scary ⁣
I’ve felt ⁣
Angry ⁣
It’s been ⁣
Exquisite ⁣
⁣⁣

You’re in there ⁣⁣
You see ⁣
You’re just ⁣
Buried ⁣⁣
Beneath ⁣
⁣

Programmed ⁣⁣
For protection ⁣⁣
Heart crying⁣⁣
For imperfection ⁣⁣
Soul dying ⁣⁣
For connection ⁣⁣
⁣
It is possible to unbecome ⁣⁣
Everything you’re not ⁣⁣
You can let⁣
The layers crumble ⁣
You can take ⁣
The mask off ⁣
You can allow ⁣
Everything you are ⁣⁣
To show ⁣⁣
To shine ⁣⁣
To glow ⁣⁣
⁣
Noooo⁣!!!!!!!!!!
They can’t know ⁣
They can’t see ⁣
Me exposed ⁣
⁣
⁣Please know⁣⁣
While this may feel scary ⁣⁣
The fear is only temporary ⁣⁣
The pain of pretending ⁣⁣
The weight of the mask ⁣⁣
The effort of the act ⁣⁣
Is slowly killing you ⁣⁣
Crushing your spirit ⁣⁣
Choking off your soul’s song ⁣
⁣⁣

You deserve ⁣
Life unleashed ⁣⁣
Freedom ⁣⁣
Happiness ⁣⁣
Love ⁣⁣
Real love ⁣
Wild ⁣
Crazy ⁣
Unapologetic ⁣
Authentic ⁣
Deep love ⁣
From the inside out ⁣
⁣⁣
⁣My friend ⁣
You are love ⁣
⁣
⁣She is waiting ⁣
For you ⁣
Begging you ⁣
Please ⁣
Come home ⁣⁣
⁣
⁣Reunite⁣
With yourself ⁣⁣
By yourself ⁣⁣
Fall⁣
Into yourself ⁣⁣
Surrender ⁣
Trust ⁣
You’ve got you ⁣

for me?

the journey home has been truly magical, beautiful, and an incredible adventure– one i am still traveling.

writing my story has reminded me of so much pain i numbed out and avoided for so many years.

writing my story has also reconnected me to how much i’ve shed and unbecome over the past five years.

my deepest desire is to affirm hope. wherever you are, whatever you’re going through– when you’re ready, you can heal.

you don’t have to pretend. i promise. and yet i know.

i remember how very alluring and seductive the mask can be and how positively scary the exposure can feel. i know how terrifying visibility can feel and i know for many of us, our protection is rooted deep and has been for many, many, many years.

i don’t expect you to simply read this, rip the mask off, and show up as the real you all the time in every situation. maybe that’ll be what happens, but if you’re like most of us, it’ll be a process.

your unbecoming will be a journey.

no matter how long it takes, you’re worth it.

no matter the effort required, you’re worthy.

and i’ll tell you what– it’ll probably take a lot less effort and energy and time than you think.

if there is anything at all i can do to help support you in the shedding of your layers i hope you’ll reach out.

you my sweet friend, you are not alone.