your dreams are dying in the life you’re not living.

Desires.

For so long I pretended I was unworthy. Like I had to do more and be more to earn the right to want. Ugh. “Earn the right to want…”

The law had been written and I had declared, “I never was nor would I ever be enough.” I had crowned myself “unworthy” and so it was.

Eventually, I stopped wanting. It wasn’t safe. It was too risky.

My dreams and desires were trapped. Locked inside my soul, fighting to come out– to come alive. Longing to be spoken out loud into the Universe, fueled by the oxygen of my breath. But, I’d build a wall to keep them in.

And yet I stood there yelling about how I can’t dream and how I don’t know what I want, but the reality was, I’d built the wall to trap my desires. I put the padlock on the chains, I latched it closed, the lock was on MY side of the door, and I was the one person holding the only key.

And yet, I was angry and throwing a fit about how it wasn’t fair.

Like many of you, I was waiting. Telling myself, I’d express my desires if a few standards were met…

I had to know it was safe.

I needed “them” to prove they could be trusted with my desires.

And more than that? I needed to know for sure that what I wanted would come true before I dare speak anything out loud.

Can you relate?

Good luck with that.

You’re going to wait forever.

Why?

Because you’re requesting the impossible. You’re demanding an unknown prediction of the future so that you can ensure everything will work out the way you want it to and if and only if you get the guarantee will you then come back to the present and take action and speak your desires aloud.

Pretending you “don’t know” feels safer.

Pretending feels more comfortable than confronting the truth: Your desires and dreams are not safe with you.

How do I know? Because I wasn’t safe with me for years. I couldn’t trust myself so I hunted for my answers– sought out my dreams– in others. “You tell me what I should want,” I’d say.

My gluttonous consumption of information and my addiction to the intoxication– high off of the answers others gave me– had me waking up everyday with a pounding headache and a hangover from hell because the shots they poured and what I guzzled down didn’t have the capacity to satiate my soul’s real longing.

Things began to change for me when I admitted all of this to myself and recognized that the solutions I was getting were to the questions I was asking, but I wasn’t asking the right questions.

Friend, it is possible to live a life liberated. It is possible to dismantle and transform the lie you’re living disguised as a life you’re not living, extinguish your suffering, unlock the padlock, and release your soul.

xo

perfection was my protection

 

 

Yesterday I heard my coach say, “We are programmed for protection and dying for connection.” 

His statement shook me.

I felt it in my core.

I messaged him back and shared how I had said on a video just a few days prior, my perfection was my protection.

I got what he was saying.

I FELT both the power and the sadness in his words.

So much of who we are is buried underneath who we’re pretending to be.  My belief is if we want to know who we are, we must get intimately connected with the false self we present to the world.  Acknowledgment of this facade is the first step in reconnecting with our core self.

After sitting with his words all day, I wrote the following:

 

{the soul’s slow death}

Pain 

Programming 

Me 

Screaming 

Danger 

Run

Hide 

Dictating 

Me 

Build walls

Suit up 

For safety 

For us 

We must 

We have to 

Survival 

Dependent upon 

The strength of the steel

Stronger 

Stronger 

Singularly focused 

On construction 

Adding 

Layer upon 

Layer upon 

Unaware 

My soul 

Was in lock up 

I’d imprisoned myself   

In a body mask of perfection 

Intricately crafted 

With my own hands 

Built to protect 

Serving its purpose 

Fulfilling its duty 

Standing guard 

At the gates 

Pacing 

Keep out 

Keep out 

Nothing in 

Nothing in 

Blind to the consequence 

Numb to the pain 

Afraid to see 

The enemy I was fleeing 

Was trapped in with me

Death was imminent 

I was suffocating  

Inside the armor 

Collapsing under the weight 

Begging for release 

Voice hoarse from yelling

Silent screams 

Help me 

H E L P 

M E 

Set me free 

Pretending I lacked 

The ability 

To put down 

My shield 

Take off 

My mask 

Melt 

My armor 

Pretending I was trapped 

By an outside hand 

Lungs filled with metal dust 

From a decision made 

Many years ago 

Now 

Longing to connect 

Losing 

My self

My soul

My sanity 

In solitary 

Confinement 

Locked up 

Just the way 

She wanted

 

 

I feel the heaviness– the weight of the words as I read them.  This is my story and yet I know I am not alone.

It’s no longer my reality, but it is part of my past pain.

Owning this truth was the launching point for my transformation– my unbecoming.

There is hope for your healing.

These masks we wear are not who we are.

They are part of our programmed self.

Identities we craft for protection.

However, for most of us, we are moving through this world as adults with wounded little girls and boys locked up inside.  Those children longing to connect with us and with each other.  We can do it.  We can heal.  We can save our souls.  But we have to be willing.

Willing to see.

Willing to really look at the armor.

Willing to confront the costs along with the benefits.

Willing to recognize that it’s a suit we wear– not the soul we are.

Willing to feel the weight in our bones.

Willing get support in removing the layers.

Willing to remove them with love; not rip them off in anger and disgust.

Willing to meet and rediscover who we are underneath the protection.

I am not saying it will be easy.

I am not saying it will be hard.

I am saying it will be worth it.

You are worth it.

You are worthy.

 

xo,

Michelle