the cannibalistic cycle
of miserable determination
consumed by the me
i now be
still alive in me
the scathing, self-loathing
giving birth to the breath
finally willing to feel
allowing them to melt
all of the me
i spent my life
pretending to be
the pretty me
the polished me
the perfect me
i felt the burning heat
and stood there
taking my breath
in the me
i used to be
which is why
i used to be
𝘜𝘚𝘌𝘋 to not feel
of the heat
on my sensitive skin
the me i used to be
terrified of the inevitable
the fear inside
i used to be
grew into fascination
i found myself
by the burning
masochistic in my curiosity
wanting to step
in the me
i used to be
unable to take
until the moment
yearning for everything
i’d spent years protecting
for my fragile front
to be decimated
pulled into the magnetic flames
of my own vulnerable authenticity
ready to be reborn
1. a person’s essential being that distinguishes them from others, especially considered as the object of introspection or reflexive action.
- an intense feeling of deep affection.
- a great interest and pleasure in something.
- a person or thing that one loves.
- feel a deep romantic or sexual attachment to (someone).
Self-love feels like one of the most talked about concepts, yet I believe most of us don’t DO self love.
While we are familiar with the notion, for so many of my sisters, self love is simply not an ACTIVE practice.
It sounds good in theory and we read books and burn sage and purchase crystals and get manicures, but when it comes to actually executing an intentional practice…
We say things like, “That’d be nice. I wish I had time for that luxury…”
The truth is, the active practice of self love demands us to shift our seat on our long task list. We have to move ourselves from dead last to first. Self love calls forth a bold declaration from the depths of our soul. An unapologetic battle cry…
“My needs are JUST as important as your needs.”
Because dead last? It is killing us.
We are quick to leap at the opportunity to serve and give and show up for another, but “GASP!” how dare you ask us to show up for ourselves? I mean, we’re soooooooo busy.
The habitual “I’m fine” slowly erodes at our self-esteem and self-worth as we seemingly, suddenly find ourselves angry and resentful waiting for others to give us what we haven’t given ourselves. We’re impatiently waiting for a person or an accomplishment to come along and validate us. And when they don’t? We become irrational and irritable because they haven’t given us what we haven’t asked for and yet believe we are owed.
But friend, it’s you. The love you’re seeking is within. There is NO external source that can love you enough… validate you enough… to satiate the hunger rumbling deep in your belly.
I snapped this picture in April 2018. I was leaving a week long transformational coaching training and it was during this week — just one year ago — that I fell in love with me. I released shame and guilt I’d been carrying for years. I stopped punishing myself and I chose love. Intentionally. I saw the wholeness of who I was and I loved her with the ferocious compassion of a mama bear protecting her cubs.
I didn’t know how
But you showed me
I didn’t know if I could
But you believe in me
I didn’t know I was worthy
But you reminded me
I didn’t know if I was enough
But you lovingly affirmed my truth
I forgot where to look
But then I saw your reflection
It is impossible to love others if we are not actively in love with ourself first. And, if you’re like most people, you are going to have to enlist support in cultivating new habits. We are simply not programmed to choose us.
In “Pussy – A Reclamation” Regena Thomashauer says, “It’s very difficult for us to say yes to our own pleasure. We have no experience prioritizing our own joy or making an investment in ourselves. But it is very easy to say yes to responsibility and obligation.”
This has to change.
It’s time to change.
And, I believe we are most effective in transforming our lives and habits when we have the support of tribe.
My new friend Sharon, the founder of GO LOVE YOURSELF– a self care and self love subscription box- shares the following on her website:
…as March’s featured author Kelly Corrigan notes, “you can’t really be loved if you can’t bear to be really known.”
And you deserve to take the time for yourself to know yourself, and love yourself, to know others, and to love others, and to be known by others, and to be loved by others. You don’t have to go it alone.
Sharon believes that self care is an action and self love is the result.
Awareness in and of itself doesn’t bring change. Motivation, while fun to experience, doesn’t bring change. What does bring change is ACTION. A commitment to DOING what needs to be done to change our lives and increase our self love and happiness.
As Sharon shares, “if you’re ready to be the change you want to see, take the actions you need to take, do the work, and connect with a group of women who are committed to truly living their best lives, we’re here for you.”
I couldn’t agree more.
Take the first action step in choosing YOU and get yourself the support you’re worthy of.
If you have any questions about the support Sharon provides, feel free to contact her directly through her website: https://www.thegoloveyourselfbox.com/about_us or if you have questions for me, send me an email at: email@example.com.
For so long I pretended I was unworthy. Like I had to do more and be more to earn the right to want. Ugh. “Earn the right to want…”
The law had been written and I had declared, “I never was nor would I ever be enough.” I had crowned myself “unworthy” and so it was.
Eventually, I stopped wanting. It wasn’t safe. It was too risky.
My dreams and desires were trapped. Locked inside my soul, fighting to come out– to come alive. Longing to be spoken out loud into the Universe, fueled by the oxygen of my breath. But, I’d build a wall to keep them in.
And yet I stood there yelling about how I can’t dream and how I don’t know what I want, but the reality was, I’d built the wall to trap my desires. I put the padlock on the chains, I latched it closed, the lock was on MY side of the door, and I was the one person holding the only key.
And yet, I was angry and throwing a fit about how it wasn’t fair.
Like many of you, I was waiting. Telling myself, I’d express my desires if a few standards were met…
I had to know it was safe.
I needed “them” to prove they could be trusted with my desires.
And more than that? I needed to know for sure that what I wanted would come true before I dare speak anything out loud.
Can you relate?
Good luck with that.
You’re going to wait forever.
Because you’re requesting the impossible. You’re demanding an unknown prediction of the future so that you can ensure everything will work out the way you want it to and if and only if you get the guarantee will you then come back to the present and take action and speak your desires aloud.
Pretending you “don’t know” feels safer.
Pretending feels more comfortable than confronting the truth: Your desires and dreams are not safe with you.
How do I know? Because I wasn’t safe with me for years. I couldn’t trust myself so I hunted for my answers– sought out my dreams– in others. “You tell me what I should want,” I’d say.
My gluttonous consumption of information and my addiction to the intoxication– high off of the answers others gave me– had me waking up everyday with a pounding headache and a hangover from hell because the shots they poured and what I guzzled down didn’t have the capacity to satiate my soul’s real longing.
Things began to change for me when I admitted all of this to myself and recognized that the solutions I was getting were to the questions I was asking, but I wasn’t asking the right questions.
Friend, it is possible to live a life liberated. It is possible to dismantle and transform the lie you’re living disguised as a life you’re not living, extinguish your suffering, unlock the padlock, and release your soul.
people frequently ask me this question:
how do i stop giving a sh*t about what other people think?
i kid. but not really. the truth is, anyone who isn’t a sociopath is going to care what other people think.
so, the question is flawed. i’ll explain.
i have a friend who acts without attachment to the opinions of others. i have always viewed her as a mythical creature possessing a skill i desperately desired. we were hanging out a few years ago when i asked her, “have you always been able to not care what other people think?” i can clearly remember how i felt when she replied, “i’ve always been this way. it’s just who i am.”
it was a gut punch.
dang. so, what? i’m destined to be stuck in this perpetual cycle of people pleasing for the rest of my life?
now, i’m not saying that answer wasn’t true for her. in fact, i believe it is and i believe it is for many. the problem was, i wasn’t the many.
and if you are not the many either, keep reading…
first, let’s change the question:
how can i care deeply, AND not give a sh*t?
friend, you can learn how to care deeply AND not give a sh*t. you can hear the opinions of others AND not be stopped by them. you can learn to process feedback as feedback AND not take it as a personal attack. you can learn to understand that other people are sharing their experiences of you AND not take on their experiences as your own truth.
now, this is an individual conversation filled with individual answers, but from my experience– both as a coach and as someone who lived most of her life addicted to attention and approval; most of us who are in the cycle of people-pleasing have equated our safety and stability with making others happy.
i will be okay if everyone else is okay.
the danger here is that when we outsource our stability, safety, and security; we are not in control of the one thing we have any control over: OURSELVES.
we become paranoid in our compulsive obsession of what other people are thinking, preoccupied with personal manipulation in an attempt to please them, and completely sacrificing self in the process.
you can care deeply and not be stopped by their opinions, but in order to do that, you have to be willing to confront and heal your relationship to your own judgments of you.
nothing anyone says about you has the power to shake you; unless there is a part of you that believes the things they are saying.
we have to first, heal our relationship with our reflection.
when there is no longer personal pain projected, we are much better equipped to take action on our goals without weaving our judgments into the conversation pretending they belong to others.
i’d love to hear your thoughts…
support: give assistance to; to give encouragement to someone or something because you want him, her, or it to succeed; suggest the truth of.
friend, we’re not supposed to do this whole “life” thing alone.
but, if you’re anything like the me i used to be, asking for help can feel super hard to do. it sounds easy enough in theory, but in real life? practically impossible.
i felt like being able to do it alone was an achievement i should be striving for. and every time i fell short, it was one more thing to add to the long list of things i sucked at.
it was one more way i just couldn’t get it together…
one more thing to beat myself up about…
i remember feeling like i was weak and incapable if i “had” to ask for help. it was if i was saying, “i can’t do this alone.” and that made me a loser. at least that’s what my head talk was telling me.
but friend, we are NOT SUPPOSED TO do life alone. we’re best when we’re supported and we have peeps that have our back.
giving support and receiving support is human.
we are not robots and despite the amount of time we spend on our phones and computers, we require human connection.
i truly believe support can relieve both anxiety and depression. there is something so profoundly powerful about knowing we’re not alone.
and when it comes to achievement? to reaching your goals and dreams?
your human brain is not wired to bring the best out of yourself. your brain is designed with safety as it’s number one priority. “keep this human alive” is its commitment.
so, we need people. people who see what we’re capable of and who are willing to stand beside us while we unbecome everything we are not.
people who reflect our truth and who are brave enough to lovingly confront us on our bullshit stories.
so, let’s break this down.
there are 5 main ingredients to an incredible support system:
1. an accountability partner:
this is someone you’ll check in with on a daily basis who will help keep you on track with the activities you’ve committed to executing. there’s nothing like having a person expecting you to check in with them to motivate you to get a thing done!
2. a mastermind group:
this is a small group of people (ideally 4-7) who meet at a predetermined time. what i dig the most about a mastermind is you get to utilize the collective intelligence of the group. you can present ideas, struggles, projects, speeches, etc and benefit from the peer mentoring inside the group. for me, the ideal mastermind would have people from backgrounds unique to mine so i may gain perspectives i don’t currently have.
3. a personal coach:
you don’t have to be in an incredible amount of struggle or pain or trauma to need a coach. you CAN be, but it’s not a requirement. the best coaches help bring out the best in you. i heard my coach say at one point,
“the only people who need coaches are those who want to achieve their goals and dreams.”
4. a mentor:
a mentor is a person who is in your business or a similar industry who has done what you want to do and gone where you want to go. their role is to teach and offer guidance.
5. live events:
it is important that we get out of our normal routine for learning. there’s something that shifts when we’ve inconvenienced ourselves with the investment of time, energy, and money to travel and get in a room outside of our typical habits and routines. we’re telling our brain, “hey. pay attention. this thing here is important.” plus, we get the added benefit of connecting with likeminded people and their energy is contagious. in a live event, learning is magnified, deepened, and the ripple effect is tangible.
so, there you have it. the five main ingredients of a dope support system.
one of my clients recently asked, “do we need all 5 or will just a couple work?”
a couple would work.
AND, the more you have, the stronger your success team will be. and you my friend, YOU are worthy of a world class success team.
do you need support?
email me : firstname.lastname@example.org
wants upon a time…
i took this picture four years ago
to the day
january 3rd, 2015
i remember this moment
i wanted to capture it
i was sad and pissed
in a good way
about my own self
i’d been working with a coach…
involved in personal development…
attending live events…
doing all of this for just over a year…
and in this moment…
standing in the kitchen in my condo…
i was done
acting like i was happy when i wasn’t
i was done
with the bullsh*t
with MY bullsh*t
allow me to be
i didn’t have the answers
i was struggling financially
i was unfulfilled
i was working in a career i no longer wanted to be in
i was uncertain of my purpose
i was unsure of my next moves
i had no clarity on the how or the what or any of the specifics
the first step
the one i think folks frequently forget about
the FIRST step
is the one where you get tired of your own bullsh*t
you get tired of hitting the wall you keep hitting
you get tired of the sexy stories (lies)
the lies you’re telling
about how you’re fine
you get tired
of being sick
you get tired
of being so tired
because it’s from THAT point
that point where you’re done
that point when you’re really ready to put down the struggle
it’s from that point
things can change
and by things
E V E R Y T H I N G
i didn’t know…
four months after i took this pic i’d invest in a coaching certification
i didn’t know…
one year after that i’d be a certified neruotransformational coach
and my friend
i didn’t have the capacity
i lacked the vision
to see that four years after i took this picture i’d be…
happier than i ever imagined was possible
fulfilled at a level i thought someone like me could never reach
so on fire
in love with me
in love with life
in love with humanity
deep in my trust and knowingness that i’ve got me
i knew people lived this way
i’d heard of ’em
i’d seen one or two
but i did not
SHE did not know it was possible for her
she had no clue what was coming for her
and friend, neither do you
my invitation is to get in the work on yourself
invest in your healing
THAT is what’s necessary
that’s the answer to your struggle
it may not be the answer you’re looking for
it may not be the answer you want to hear
but it is the answer
the REAL answer
there are no shortcuts
no quick fixes
no one-size-fits-all approach to your UNIQUE self
you’re not broken
you can heal
you can learn to love and trust yourself
it is possible for someone like you
but i don’t know any of us
who do it alone
if you want to talk about what that would or could look like, ask
if i’m not the one, find you someone
your future self will thank you
just because you’ve been walking the same way on the same path for a looooonnnnnnnnng time, doesn’t mean that path is taking you where you want to go.
it’s possible, that it’s time to change directions.
i’ve been in this super reflective space all week and just an hour or so ago, i threw my 2018 planner in the trashcan. along with it, i threw my 2017 planner away. yup. i’d been holding onto that as well.
it’s funny how we keep things because we have convinced ourselves that holding onto something is easier than throwing it out.
even if it’s no longer fulfilling a purpose… no longer serving us.
change requires us to look at how we’re operating.
and after looking, we want to ask ourselves:
“is this serving me?”
“is this working?”
“is this going to take me to this next level?”
and if the answer is “NOPE”, then we owe it to ourselves to make a change.
so, i’ve been changing.
i’m replacing habits.
i’m creating new patterns.
i’m practicing new behaviors.
i’m crafting new routines.
i’m making new intentional choices.
here are a few of my personal reflections…
1. i have a tendency toward complication.
i’m human so i can (sometimes) make things harder– more complicated– than they need to be.
what i know for sure is that life can be complicated.
why on earth would i add to that complication by efforting so hard and making my solutions complicated???
would you like to know what slices through complication 100% of the time?
2. newton’s first law of motion.
an object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion stays in motion with the same speed and the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force.
here’s what that law means to me:
i’ll continue doing things the same way i’ve always done them unless i choose to intentionally stop and make a change.
and the way i’ve always done things probably won’t work for me in creating this new life i long to be living; and it certainly won’t lead me down this new path i crave to travel.
what i’ve done so far has gotten me to where i am so far and if i want to go anywhere different than i am right now, things have to evolve.
i have to be willing to do something new.
i have to be willing to travel somewhere i’ve never traveled before.
i have to be willing to become the woman who will attract my desires.
and that’s much more about UNbecoming who i’m not than it is about BEcoming someone new.
3. my life is waiting for me.
and so is yours.
we’ve got to get in the game.
we’ve got to participate in the manifestation of our dreams.
wishing and hoping and praying and meditating are all amazing things to do.
AND, you’ve gotta back them up with action.
your life is waiting for YOU to participate.
your life is waiting for YOU to get off the sidelines.
your life is waiting for YOU to stop talking and start BEing.
your life is waiting for YOU to stop pretending.
your life is waiting for YOU to say YES.
your life is waiting for YOU to go all in.
your life is waiting for YOU.
you’re worth it.
you don’t have to know the details.
you don’t have to see the answers before you say yes.
you don’t have to see the path.
in fact, that request right there?
it is an impossible request.
and if that’s where you’re stuck, i get it. i spent much of my life there.
but the reality is, as my coach says, “there’s no familiar path to a new territory.”
you can learn to trust yourself to try.
i know you can because i did.
if you know you need support and you’re ready to take action, send me an e–mail. i’d love to set up a time to chat with you.
happy new year friend.
what could have
needed to do
yet didn’t get done?
for many of us, the new year represents a time for judgment.
“geez i really screwed up last year– thank goodness that’s over. i can’t wait to get my clean slate. as for these last two weeks? eh. screw it. they’re almost over. no use trying.”
can you relate?
if so, congratulations on your humanness.
let’s discuss options:
i want to invite you to deliberately schedule the time to look back on this past year. move through the past 12 months slowly. assess. NOT judge (yes there is a difference).
assess your 2018.
what happened that you loved?
what happened that you maybe didn’t love so much?
were there choices or behaviors that you’d repeat?
habits you want to intentionally create?
what about any areas where you would choose differently?
what wins/celebrations did this year bring for you?
what lessons can you pull from the year?
again, this is NOT an opportunity to punish. this is a chance to assess what “worked” or “did not work” in terms of the outcome received.
since most of us cannot accurately predict the future, there’s no way for us to know what’s going to happen as we’re making our choice in the moment. and yet we willingly line ourselves up to receive the beating we deem necessary for the “bad” and “poor” choices we’ve made.
it is possible to reflect, assess, and make new, intentional choices WITHOUT the punishment and self abuse.
what is your intention for this new year?
how do you want to feel?
what do you want to create in 2019?
what’s the energy theme that’s going to drive your new year?
most of us spend our moments, our hours, our weeks, our months, and our years in reaction-mode. we’re ricocheting like a pinball from one trigger to the next with very little control because we have given barely- if ANY thought to our intentions.
it’s as if we are waiting for external things to happen TO us to tell us how we’re supposed to feel.
my friend, if we want to be the deliberate creator of our new year, we need to first decide what it is that we want to create.
once you’ve reflected and decided on your intention, now you’ve got to make some moves.
are there activities, people, circumstances, and/or projects you need to say “yes” or say “no” to?
are there people you need to add INTO your circle to support your goals and dreams AND are there things you’re doing or people you’re hanging out with who are no longer in alignment?
i’m not saying kick everyone to the curb, but if you’re serious about your dreams for this new year then you have to be willing to do what’s necessary to achieve them. there is only so much space and energy in any given day and i invite you to be extremely selective with what you’re allowing in.
and lastly? don’t wait. don’t wait until january 01. do it now. create the space in your calendar and make this important. YOU are important. if you do not make what is unconscious conscious, it will continue running your life and you? well, you’ll call it fate.
i want more for you
you deserve more
you are worthy of a life
so why wait- even one more day- let alone two weeks to begin experiencing the life you dream of?
begin your process now. clear your calendar now. create space now.
over and over and over and over and over and over again…
this is how we create powerful moments, progress driven days, incredible months, and transformational years.
need or want support?
email me or comment below.
happy holiday wishes!
i don’t know
it’s not cute
but it is
that beast within
is becoming extinct
and she’s afraid
so she rages
in her attempts
i can smell her fear
i no longer
need the sanctuary of that old story
i no longer
need the high of your attention
i no longer
need the protection of my pretending
i don’t know
the truth is
i do know
i’m done pretending
i am not
she needs me to know me
i get me
she needs me to own me
i got me
she needs me
step-up mic-up pen-up speak-up show-up
i’d been acting
like i’m not
she is begging
but that hit…
as it courses through my brain
settling in my veins
all the things
i’d been contemplating
tell me so
my attachment to the entrapment
of my addiction
seductive on the surface
is but an illusion
the comfort is deception
i no longer need
i see me
i am safe
i am safe
i got me
i am safe
inside my truth
i can expose myself
to see me
and your experience
has no power
to hurt me
full in me
is no longer