[ < firestarter > ]

the cannibalistic cycle ⁣⁣
of miserable determination ⁣⁣
consumed by the me ⁣⁣
i now be ⁣⁣
⁣⁣
the fire ⁣⁣
still alive in me ⁣⁣
transformed ⁣⁣
by me⁣⁣
the scathing, self-loathing ⁣⁣
giving birth to the breath ⁣⁣
of liberation ⁣⁣
⁣⁣
finally willing to feel ⁣⁣
the flames ⁣⁣
allowing them to melt ⁣⁣
all of the me ⁣⁣
i spent my life⁣⁣
pretending to be ⁣⁣
the pretty me⁣⁣
the polished me⁣⁣
the perfect me ⁣⁣
i felt the burning heat ⁣⁣
melting ⁣⁣
and stood there⁣⁣
screaming ⁣⁣
breathtaking ⁣⁣
taking my breath ⁣⁣
away ⁣⁣
as the ⁣⁣
flames ⁣⁣
initially ⁣⁣
evoking fear ⁣⁣
in the me ⁣⁣
i used to be⁣⁣
scaring me ⁣⁣
which is why ⁣⁣
the me ⁣⁣
i used to be⁣⁣
𝘜𝘚𝘌𝘋 to not feel ⁣⁣
the intensity ⁣⁣
of the heat ⁣⁣
on my sensitive skin⁣⁣
⁣⁣
the me i used to be ⁣⁣
ran ⁣⁣
terrified of the inevitable ⁣⁣
necessary ⁣⁣
destruction ⁣⁣
consumption ⁣⁣
⁣⁣
the fear inside⁣⁣
the me ⁣⁣
i used to be⁣⁣
grew into fascination ⁣⁣
i found myself⁣⁣
intrigued ⁣⁣
by the burning⁣⁣
masochistic in my curiosity ⁣⁣
yet paralyzed ⁣⁣
wanting to step ⁣⁣
ever closer⁣⁣
yet cemented ⁣⁣
in the me ⁣⁣
i used to be ⁣⁣
unable to take ⁣⁣
one ⁣⁣
single ⁣⁣
step⁣⁣
⁣⁣
until the moment ⁣⁣
⁣⁣
yearning for everything⁣⁣
i’d spent years protecting ⁣⁣
pretending⁣⁣
to be ⁣⁣
to be⁣⁣
destroyed⁣⁣
begging ⁣⁣
for my fragile front⁣⁣
to be decimated⁣⁣
⁣⁣
by me⁣⁣
the firestarter ⁣⁣
⁣⁣
pulled into the magnetic flames ⁣⁣
of my own vulnerable authenticity ⁣⁣
⁣⁣
ready to be reborn ⁣⁣

[numb]


⁣⁣
⁣⁣[ < numb > ]

unfortunately ⁣
we have become ⁣⁣⁣⁣
a comfortably numb⁣⁣⁣⁣
⁣zombie ⁣⁣⁣society ⁣⁣⁣of addicts ⁣⁣⁣⁣
chugging down⁣⁣⁣⁣
our cough medicine ⁣⁣⁣⁣
of choice ⁣⁣⁣⁣
⁣⁣⁣⁣
terrified to ⁣⁣
feel ⁣⁣
unwilling to ⁣⁣
confront ⁣⁣
our pain ⁣⁣⁣⁣
terrified of ⁣
our unapologetic⁣
wild passion⁣
⁣⁣
lives spent ⁣⁣
committed to ⁣⁣⁣⁣
dulling ⁣⁣
the truth ⁣⁣⁣⁣

numbing ⁣
has no discernment⁣
we choose ⁣
no pain⁣
we choose ⁣
no joy ⁣

so our soul ⁣⁣sits ⁣⁣
in hospice ⁣⁣
we lie ⁣⁣
not living ⁣⁣
waiting ⁣⁣
to die ⁣⁣
numbed out ⁣⁣⁣⁣
dumbed down ⁣⁣⁣⁣
committed ⁣⁣
to our not feeling ⁣⁣
⁣⁣
i used to ⁣⁣
i used to ⁣⁣
not feel ⁣⁣

it was not⁣⁣
until i ⁣⁣
learned to ⁣⁣
be with ⁣⁣⁣⁣
what was ⁣⁣
what is ⁣⁣
really real  ⁣⁣⁣⁣
that i ⁣⁣
helped my body ⁣⁣
truly heal ⁣⁣
⁣⁣
for years ⁣⁣
i thought i was ⁣⁣
comfortable⁣⁣
but i was only numb ⁣


i don’t know

 

i don’t know

i know

it’s not cute

but it is

a hit

that feeds

the addiction

calms

the twitching

 

that beast within

is becoming extinct

she’s dying

and she’s afraid

so she rages

in her attempts

to cling

to life

she scratches

on occasion

i can smell her fear

 

i know

i no longer

need the sanctuary of that old story

i know

i no longer

need the high of your attention

i know

i no longer

need the protection of my pretending

i don’t know

 

because

the truth is

i do know

the truth

i’m done pretending

i am not

 

she needs me to know me

i get me

she needs me to own me

i got me

she needs me

it’s time

step-up mic-up pen-up speak-up show-up

visible

 

i know

i am

the truth 

i’d been acting 

like i’m not 

 

she is begging

pleading 

stop

pretending

faking

feigning

weakness

ignorance

stupidity

 

but that hit…

of attention

so addictive 

feels

so

very

good 

another hit…

inhale

hold it 

 

feel the 

love

as it courses through my brain

exhale slow

feel the

approval

settling in my veins

 

confirming

validating 

all the things 

i’d been contemplating 

my worthiness

my intelligence

my pretty

my polished

perfection 

good enough 

only is

if you 

please

tell me so 

 

 

my attachment to the entrapment

of my addiction

seductive on the surface

is but an illusion

the comfort is deception

for protection

i no longer need

 

i see me

i am safe

with me

i am safe

i got me

i am safe

 

anchored

supported

held

inside my truth

i can expose myself 

and allow 

you 

to see me

and your experience 

of me

has no power

to hurt me 

that power 

full in me 

is no longer

 

 

 

 

who are you?

 

my friend…

i wrote this long post on instagram earlier and i’ve spent many moments today questioning.  wondering if maybe the post would’ve been better received had i put it here in the blog. i hear myself silently judging…

maybe it’s too long for the gram.  who is reading all this anyway?  no one cares.  this probably isn’t what they want to see… is it?

jeez.  when i tell myself THAT bullshit, disempowering story there’s only one thing i want to do.

HIDE.

i hear my old inner voice yelling, “retreat!  abort mission!”

the truth is, i am human and as a human, it’s super easy for my old stories to pop up.

i keep reminding myself of this truth while my brain contemplates taking the post down.

but i don’t.

why not?

because i’m experimenting.  i am playing with length, with language, with where and when and how i show up.  and there is no room for judgment in experiments.  just noticing.  then tweaking. then trying again.

plus, my gosh.  who can tell who sees what on social media anymore?!  there is so much out there that if you’re not intentional with deliberately searching for someone and their posts, well– you probably won’t see them.

so here’s what i shared earlier today:

{who am i}
I don’t know ⁣⁣
⁣⁣
You tell me ⁣⁣
I’ll be ⁣⁣
What you need ⁣⁣
Me to be ⁣⁣
To be ⁣⁣
Loved ⁣⁣
⁣⁣
I am ⁣⁣
Who I ⁣⁣
Pretend to be ⁣⁣
Scared to be ⁣⁣
The real me ⁣⁣
Safe ⁣
Under the mask ⁣⁣
I spent my whole life constructing ⁣⁣
⁣⁣
Getting to know ⁣⁣
The woman under ⁣⁣
Cover of protection ⁣⁣
Has been ⁣⁣
Messy⁣⁣
Has felt ⁣
Scary ⁣
I’ve felt ⁣
Angry ⁣
It’s been ⁣
Exquisite ⁣
⁣⁣
You’re in there ⁣⁣
You see ⁣
You’re just ⁣
Buried ⁣⁣
Beneath ⁣
Programmed  ⁣⁣
For protection ⁣⁣
Heart crying⁣⁣
For imperfection ⁣⁣
Soul dying ⁣⁣
For connection ⁣⁣

It is possible to unbecome ⁣⁣
Everything you’re not ⁣⁣
You can let⁣
The layers crumble ⁣
You can take ⁣
The mask off ⁣
You can allow ⁣
Everything you are ⁣⁣
To show ⁣⁣
To shine ⁣⁣
To glow ⁣⁣

Noooo⁣!!!!!!!!!!
They can’t know ⁣
They can’t see ⁣
Me exposed ⁣

⁣Please know⁣⁣
While this may feel scary ⁣⁣
The fear is only temporary ⁣⁣
The pain of pretending ⁣⁣
The weight of the mask ⁣⁣
The effort of the act ⁣⁣
Is slowly killing you ⁣⁣
Crushing your spirit ⁣⁣
Choking off your soul’s song ⁣
⁣⁣
You deserve ⁣
Life unleashed ⁣⁣
Freedom ⁣⁣
Happiness ⁣⁣
Love  ⁣⁣
Real love ⁣
Wild ⁣
Crazy ⁣
Unapologetic ⁣
Authentic ⁣
Deep love ⁣
From the inside out ⁣
⁣⁣
⁣My friend ⁣
You are love ⁣

⁣She is waiting ⁣
For you ⁣
Begging you ⁣
Please ⁣
Come home ⁣⁣

⁣Reunite⁣
With yourself ⁣⁣
By yourself ⁣⁣
Fall⁣
Into yourself ⁣⁣
Surrender ⁣
Trust ⁣
You’ve got you ⁣

for me?

the journey home has been truly magical, beautiful, and an incredible adventure– one i am still traveling.

writing my story has reminded me of so much pain i numbed out and avoided for so many years.

writing my story has also reconnected me to how much i’ve shed and unbecome over the past five years.

my deepest desire is to affirm hope.  wherever you are, whatever you’re going through– when you’re ready, you can heal.

 

you don’t have to pretend.  i promise.  and yet i know.

 

i remember how very alluring and seductive the mask can be and how positively scary the exposure can feel.  i know how terrifying visibility can feel and i know for many of us, our protection is rooted deep and has been for many, many, many years.

 

i don’t expect you to simply read this, rip the mask off, and show up as the real you all the time in every situation.  maybe that’ll be what happens, but if you’re like most of us, it’ll be a process.

 

your unbecoming will be a journey.

 

no matter how long it takes, you’re worth it.

no matter the effort required, you’re worthy.

 

and i’ll tell you what– it’ll probably take a lot less effort and energy and time than you think.

 

if there is anything at all i can do to help support you in the shedding of your layers i hope you’ll reach out.

 

you my sweet friend, you are not alone.

 

 

xo

 

surrender

{surrender}
psst
you don’t need to add
you don’t need to become
anything
anyone
the “work” is surrender
letting go
releasing your death grip
your clingy grasp
on all that is not love and light
but i get how you think you need it
control
i believed i couldn’t survive without it
control
41 years
you couldn’t convince me otherwise
i’m not trying to convince you now
hold on as long as it serves you
and it serves
and hold on long after it doesn’t
if you want
it served me for years
and i held on long after
i couldn’t trust
so i had to control
when you become aware
you will have a choice
to hold
to tighten
or to let go
and if you choose
surrender
you will fall
and that can be scary
or exhilarating
perspective
but my commitment
is to create
is to hold
loving space
for you
as you fall
i will wait
i will welcome your landing
home
 
xo