your suffering is optional

while i don’t recall the moment i first heard haruki murakami’s quote, i distinctly remember the feeling in my body. my jaw clenched and my shoulders rolled back and tightened as i began to embody a fighting stance. i was under attack and preparing myself for battle. i was ready to defend my suffering. i was set to argue against anyone who would dare try to take my limitations away.

now, as i reflect on that version of me, i feel a sadness for her. but her aggressively defensive behavior makes sense to me.

when i was told my suffering was optional, i made it mean that it was a choice. and i didn’t want to hear that i was CHOOSING to suffer.

why?

because that would mean i would no longer be able to blame my mom or my dad or my life or those people over there or this circumstance here or my finances or that one person from 15 years ago who called me fat or that teacher who wouldn’t help me or that guy that broke my heart or that girl who said those things mean things.

if my suffering was a choice, i’d have to stop saying it was “them” keeping me down and admit that it was me.

and friend, i didn’t like that one bit.

but, here’s the thing that’s important to understand if you want to live an empowered life– your experience is 100% within your control.

if we are suffering, it is our choice.

if you are suffering, it is your choice.

i was reading an article that described it like this: it is possible to experience pain and not suffer as much as it’s possible to suffer and not be in any physical pain.

to me, the suffering kicks in when we become emotionally entangled in our pain. when we take our pain and we attach who we are to that pain we will suffer. when we beat ourselves up (physically, mentally, or emotionally) for our pain, we will suffer. when we continue our self-abuse with guilt and shame, we will continue our suffering.

THESE are the things that are our choice.

the painful or traumatic or painful thing that happened? that’s not on you.

but, making that event(s) mean something negative about who you are, beating yourself up again and again for your perceived mistake(s), and torturing yourself with guilt and shame… friend, those things are your choice.

if you believe you’ve suffered enough, comment below or send me an email at michelle@coachmichellemoore.com. i’d love to support you. and if you haven’t suffered enough, carry on. but, as you carry on, do it will full ownership that at this point, the suffering you’re experiencing is YOUR CHOICE.

blame is easier, but it’s never healed a hurting human. please don’t try to be the first.

xo

14 days ’til the new year

new year.

new beginning. 

new chance.

new opportunity.

for what? 

reflection? 

celebration? 

flagellation? 

punishment?

conversations of

what could have

should have

needed to do

yet didn’t get done?

for many of us, the new year represents a time for judgment.  

“geez i really screwed up last year– thank goodness that’s over. i can’t wait to get my clean slate.  as for these last two weeks?  eh. screw it. they’re almost over.  no use trying.”

can you relate?  

if so, congratulations on your humanness.

annnndddddddd…

let’s discuss options: 

1. reflect

i want to invite you to deliberately schedule the time to look back on this past year.  move through the past 12 months slowly.  assess.  NOT judge (yes there is a difference).  

assess your 2018.  

what happened that you loved?  

what happened that you maybe didn’t love so much?  

were there choices or behaviors that you’d repeat?  

habits you want to intentionally create? 

what about any areas where you would choose differently?  

what wins/celebrations did this year bring for you?  

what lessons can you pull from the year?  

again, this is NOT an opportunity to punish.  this is a chance to assess what “worked” or “did not work” in terms of the outcome received. 

since most of us cannot accurately predict the future, there’s no way for us to know what’s going to happen as we’re making our choice in the moment.  and yet we willingly line ourselves up to receive the beating we deem necessary for the “bad” and “poor” choices we’ve made.  

Stop that.  

it is possible to reflect, assess, and make new, intentional choices WITHOUT the punishment and self abuse.



2. decide

what is your intention for this new year?  

how do you want to feel?  

what do you want to create in 2019?  

what’s the energy theme that’s going to drive your new year?  

most of us spend our moments, our hours, our weeks, our months, and our years in reaction-mode. we’re ricocheting like a pinball from one trigger to the next with very little control because we have given barely- if ANY thought to our intentions.

it’s as if we are waiting for external things to happen TO us to tell us how we’re supposed to feel.  

my friend, if we want to be the deliberate creator of our new year, we need to first decide what it is that we want to create.  

3. act 

once you’ve reflected and decided on your intention, now you’ve got to make some moves.  

are there activities, people, circumstances, and/or projects you need to say “yes” or say “no” to?  

are there people you need to add INTO your circle to support your goals and dreams AND are there things you’re doing or people you’re hanging out with who are no longer in alignment?  

i’m not saying kick everyone to the curb, but if you’re serious about your dreams for this new year then you have to be willing to do what’s necessary to achieve them.  there is only so much space and energy in any given day and i invite you to be extremely selective with what you’re allowing in.  

and lastly?  don’t wait.  don’t wait until january 01.  do it now.  create the space in your calendar and make this important.  YOU are important.  if you do not make what is unconscious conscious, it will continue running your life and you?  well, you’ll call it fate.  

   

  i want more for you

   you deserve more 

   you are worthy of a life 

   overflowing with 

   inspiration

   creation

   fun

   

so why wait- even one more day- let alone two weeks to begin experiencing the life you dream of? 

begin your process now.  clear your calendar now.  create space now.   

reflect. 

decide. 

act.  

over and over and over and over and over and over again… 

this is how we create powerful moments, progress driven days, incredible months, and transformational years.  

questions?  

need or want support? 

email me or comment below.

email: michelle@coachmichellemoore.com

happy holiday wishes!

xo

I was both the ringmaster and the circus animal.

 

 

This image effects me in a deep way…

There is a tightening in my jaw.

A tension in my neck.

A dull, but present ache in my chest.

Once I allowed the sadness to come and wash over me, I sat with my truth.

The truth of what I saw in this disturbing picture.

A version of my punisher.

The part of me that does not like me.

The part of me who spent years telling me that I would be worthy and valuable if – and only if – I achieved perfection.

The part of me who demanded I adjust, assimilate, and accommodate those around me in order to be worthy of their attention.

The part of me who cracked her whip and shouted, “PERFORM!” 

 


 

I was on a call with my coach recently when I was struck with an analogy that created a nauseous feeling in my stomach.

I spent much of my life as a circus animal.

Performing.

Night after night. Show after show.  Doing tricks for applause.  Wearing whatever mask or costume you wanted.  Dancing, standing on my back legs, jumping through rings of fire, or just sitting pretty -poised on a stool waiting for my next instruction.  Working hard.  Working SO hard.  My ferocious work ethic fueled by the hope that I’d get rewarded for making the ringmaster happy.

And if I didn’t?

Back to my cage.  Alone.  To think about what I did.  What I didn’t do. And how I could do more, be more, try harder.  I wasn’t just seeking external validation.  I was inspecting constantly.  And in my inspection, I was internally invalidating myself, my choices, my physical appearance, my performance…

You are wrong.

You are bad.

You are unworthy.

You disgust me.

You are fat.

You are ugly.

Fix this.  Fix that.  Fix everything.

Do more, more, more, MORE!

You are not and never will be enough.

 

“Okay” I said.  Next time.  I will work harder.

And I did.

For years.

 


 

One of the most empowering things I ever did, was taking responsibility for my personal healing and happiness.

But, the most empowering thing I have done to date, was take full ownership of my personal abuse as the abuser.

I was the punisher.

That was my hand striking the blows.

Those were my words coming out of my mouth.

Was this a learned behavior?

Absolutely.

But the source of the learning was no longer doing the abuse.  And keeping myself tethered; a hostage to the teachings was MY doing.

And it was time to own up to that.

Not to abuse myself further.  Not to put one more thing on the list of things to feel bad about.  NO.

Embedded in my personal responsibility was my freedom… my healing.  If I was the one doing it, I was the one who could stop.

You see, for many years I fully believed I deserved to be punished.

But my friends.

When you’re ready to stop.

When you come to the place where you believe you have suffered enough.

You will stop fighting against yourself; fighting against others.

And you will begin to fight for her.

In advocacy.

In love.

Not protection.  She doesn’t need protection if you’re not beating her up.

And in that journey, you will heal the relationship with yourself.

So many of these patterns have been embedded for years.

Please give yourself grace as you travel along your path.

Be patient with yourself as you travel your personal healing journey.

But please keep going.

I promise, you are the one you’re waiting for.

xo,

Michelle

 

 

 

If I may be of any support, please connect with me:

 

Email:  coachmichellemoore@gmail.com

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