my friend…
i wrote this long post on instagram earlier and i’ve spent many moments today questioning. wondering if maybe the post would’ve been better received had i put it here in the blog. i hear myself silently judging…
maybe it’s too long for the gram. who is reading all this anyway? no one cares. this probably isn’t what they want to see… is it?
jeez. when i tell myself THAT bullshit, disempowering story there’s only one thing i want to do.
HIDE.
i hear my old inner voice yelling, “retreat! abort mission!”
the truth is, i am human and as a human, it’s super easy for my old stories to pop up.
i keep reminding myself of this truth while my brain contemplates taking the post down.
but i don’t.
why not?
because i’m experimenting. i am playing with length, with language, with where and when and how i show up. and there is no room for judgment in experiments. just noticing. then tweaking. then trying again.
plus, my gosh. who can tell who sees what on social media anymore?! there is so much out there that if you’re not intentional with deliberately searching for someone and their posts, well– you probably won’t see them.
so here’s what i shared earlier today:
You tell me
I’ll be
What you need
Me to be
To be
Loved
Who I
Pretend to be
Scared to be
The real me
Safe
Under the mask
I spent my whole life constructing
The woman under
Cover of protection
Has been
Messy
Has felt
Scary
I’ve felt
Angry
It’s been
Exquisite
You see
You’re just
Buried
Beneath
For protection
Heart crying
For imperfection
Soul dying
For connection
It is possible to unbecome
Everything you’re not
You can let
The layers crumble
You can take
The mask off
You can allow
Everything you are
To show
To shine
To glow
Noooo!!!!!!!!!!
They can’t know
They can’t see
Me exposed
Please know
While this may feel scary
The fear is only temporary
The pain of pretending
The weight of the mask
The effort of the act
Is slowly killing you
Crushing your spirit
Choking off your soul’s song
Life unleashed
Freedom
Happiness
Love
Real love
Wild
Crazy
Unapologetic
Authentic
Deep love
From the inside out
My friend
You are love
She is waiting
For you
Begging you
Please
Come home
Reunite
With yourself
By yourself
Fall
Into yourself
Surrender
Trust
You’ve got you
for me?
the journey home has been truly magical, beautiful, and an incredible adventure– one i am still traveling.
writing my story has reminded me of so much pain i numbed out and avoided for so many years.
writing my story has also reconnected me to how much i’ve shed and unbecome over the past five years.
my deepest desire is to affirm hope. wherever you are, whatever you’re going through– when you’re ready, you can heal.
you don’t have to pretend. i promise. and yet i know.
i remember how very alluring and seductive the mask can be and how positively scary the exposure can feel. i know how terrifying visibility can feel and i know for many of us, our protection is rooted deep and has been for many, many, many years.
i don’t expect you to simply read this, rip the mask off, and show up as the real you all the time in every situation. maybe that’ll be what happens, but if you’re like most of us, it’ll be a process.
your unbecoming will be a journey.
no matter how long it takes, you’re worth it.
no matter the effort required, you’re worthy.
and i’ll tell you what– it’ll probably take a lot less effort and energy and time than you think.
if there is anything at all i can do to help support you in the shedding of your layers i hope you’ll reach out.
you my sweet friend, you are not alone.
xo