
Desires.
For so long I pretended I was unworthy. Like I had to do more and be more to earn the right to want. Ugh. “Earn the right to want…”
The law had been written and I had declared, “I never was nor would I ever be enough.” I had crowned myself “unworthy” and so it was.
Eventually, I stopped wanting. It wasn’t safe. It was too risky.
My dreams and desires were trapped. Locked inside my soul, fighting to come out– to come alive. Longing to be spoken out loud into the Universe, fueled by the oxygen of my breath. But, I’d build a wall to keep them in.
And yet I stood there yelling about how I can’t dream and how I don’t know what I want, but the reality was, I’d built the wall to trap my desires. I put the padlock on the chains, I latched it closed, the lock was on MY side of the door, and I was the one person holding the only key.
And yet, I was angry and throwing a fit about how it wasn’t fair.
Like many of you, I was waiting. Telling myself, I’d express my desires if a few standards were met…
I had to know it was safe.
I needed “them” to prove they could be trusted with my desires.
And more than that? I needed to know for sure that what I wanted would come true before I dare speak anything out loud.
Can you relate?
Good luck with that.
You’re going to wait forever.
Why?
Because you’re requesting the impossible. You’re demanding an unknown prediction of the future so that you can ensure everything will work out the way you want it to and if and only if you get the guarantee will you then come back to the present and take action and speak your desires aloud.
Pretending you “don’t know” feels safer.
Pretending feels more comfortable than confronting the truth: Your desires and dreams are not safe with you.
How do I know? Because I wasn’t safe with me for years. I couldn’t trust myself so I hunted for my answers– sought out my dreams– in others. “You tell me what I should want,” I’d say.
My gluttonous consumption of information and my addiction to the intoxication– high off of the answers others gave me– had me waking up everyday with a pounding headache and a hangover from hell because the shots they poured and what I guzzled down didn’t have the capacity to satiate my soul’s real longing.
Things began to change for me when I admitted all of this to myself and recognized that the solutions I was getting were to the questions I was asking, but I wasn’t asking the right questions.
Friend, it is possible to live a life liberated. It is possible to dismantle and transform the lie you’re living disguised as a life you’re not living, extinguish your suffering, unlock the padlock, and release your soul.
xo
people frequently ask me this question:
how do i stop giving a sh*t about what other people think?
my answer?
you can’t.
i kid. but not really. the truth is, anyone who isn’t a sociopath is going to care what other people think.
so, the question is flawed. i’ll explain.
i have a friend who acts without attachment to the opinions of others. i have always viewed her as a mythical creature possessing a skill i desperately desired. we were hanging out a few years ago when i asked her, “have you always been able to not care what other people think?” i can clearly remember how i felt when she replied, “i’ve always been this way. it’s just who i am.”
it was a gut punch.
dang. so, what? i’m destined to be stuck in this perpetual cycle of people pleasing for the rest of my life?
now, i’m not saying that answer wasn’t true for her. in fact, i believe it is and i believe it is for many. the problem was, i wasn’t the many.
and if you are not the many either, keep reading…
first, let’s change the question:
how can i care deeply, AND not give a sh*t?
friend, you can learn how to care deeply AND not give a sh*t. you can hear the opinions of others AND not be stopped by them. you can learn to process feedback as feedback AND not take it as a personal attack. you can learn to understand that other people are sharing their experiences of you AND not take on their experiences as your own truth.
now, this is an individual conversation filled with individual answers, but from my experience– both as a coach and as someone who lived most of her life addicted to attention and approval; most of us who are in the cycle of people-pleasing have equated our safety and stability with making others happy.
i will be okay if everyone else is okay.
the danger here is that when we outsource our stability, safety, and security; we are not in control of the one thing we have any control over: OURSELVES.
we become paranoid in our compulsive obsession of what other people are thinking, preoccupied with personal manipulation in an attempt to please them, and completely sacrificing self in the process.
you can care deeply and not be stopped by their opinions, but in order to do that, you have to be willing to confront and heal your relationship to your own judgments of you.
nothing anyone says about you has the power to shake you; unless there is a part of you that believes the things they are saying.
we have to first, heal our relationship with our reflection.
when there is no longer personal pain projected, we are much better equipped to take action on our goals without weaving our judgments into the conversation pretending they belong to others.
i’d love to hear your thoughts…
xo
wants upon a time…
i took this picture four years ago
to the day
january 3rd, 2015
i remember this moment
i wanted to capture it
i was sad and pissed
in a good way
fired up
about my own self
i’d been working with a coach…
involved in personal development…
attending live events…
doing all of this for just over a year…
and in this moment…
standing in the kitchen in my condo…
i was done
pretending
faking it
acting like i was happy when i wasn’t
i was done
with the bullsh*t
with MY bullsh*t
annndddd
allow me to be
REALLY
REALLY
CLEAR
standing there
i didn’t have the answers
i was struggling financially
i was unfulfilled
i was working in a career i no longer wanted to be in
i was uncertain of my purpose
i was unsure of my next moves
i had no clarity on the how or the what or any of the specifics
AND
the first step
the one i think folks frequently forget about
the FIRST step
is the one where you get tired of your own bullsh*t
you get tired of hitting the wall you keep hitting
you get tired of the sexy stories (lies)
the lies you’re telling
about how you’re fine
it’s fine
you’re happy
it’s okay
you’re okay
you get tired
of being sick
you get tired
of being so tired
because it’s from THAT point
that point where you’re done
that point when you’re really ready to put down the struggle
it’s from that point
things can change
and by things
i mean
E V E R Y T H I N G
i didn’t know…
four months after i took this pic i’d invest in a coaching certification
i didn’t know…
one year after that i’d be a certified neruotransformational coach
and my friend
i didn’t have the capacity
i lacked the vision
to see that four years after i took this picture i’d be…
happier than i ever imagined was possible
fulfilled at a level i thought someone like me could never reach
so on fire
fiercely passionate
crazy wild
courageous
in love with me
in love with life
in love with humanity
on purpose
deep in my trust and knowingness that i’ve got me
i knew people lived this way
i’d heard of ’em
i’d seen one or two
but i did not
SHE did not know it was possible for her
she had no clue what was coming for her
and friend, neither do you
my invitation is to get in the work on yourself
invest in your healing
THAT is what’s necessary
that’s the answer to your struggle
it may not be the answer you’re looking for
it may not be the answer you want to hear
but it is the answer
the REAL answer
there are no shortcuts
no quick fixes
no one-size-fits-all approach to your UNIQUE self
you’re not broken
you can heal
you can learn to love and trust yourself
it is possible for someone like you
i promise
but i don’t know any of us
who do it alone
if you want to talk about what that would or could look like, ask
if i’m not the one, find you someone
your future self will thank you
xo
my friend…
i wrote this long post on instagram earlier and i’ve spent many moments today questioning. wondering if maybe the post would’ve been better received had i put it here in the blog. i hear myself silently judging…
maybe it’s too long for the gram. who is reading all this anyway? no one cares. this probably isn’t what they want to see… is it?
jeez. when i tell myself THAT bullshit, disempowering story there’s only one thing i want to do.
HIDE.
i hear my old inner voice yelling, “retreat! abort mission!”
the truth is, i am human and as a human, it’s super easy for my old stories to pop up.
i keep reminding myself of this truth while my brain contemplates taking the post down.
but i don’t.
why not?
because i’m experimenting. i am playing with length, with language, with where and when and how i show up. and there is no room for judgment in experiments. just noticing. then tweaking. then trying again.
plus, my gosh. who can tell who sees what on social media anymore?! there is so much out there that if you’re not intentional with deliberately searching for someone and their posts, well– you probably won’t see them.
so here’s what i shared earlier today:
for me?
the journey home has been truly magical, beautiful, and an incredible adventure– one i am still traveling.
writing my story has reminded me of so much pain i numbed out and avoided for so many years.
writing my story has also reconnected me to how much i’ve shed and unbecome over the past five years.
my deepest desire is to affirm hope. wherever you are, whatever you’re going through– when you’re ready, you can heal.
you don’t have to pretend. i promise. and yet i know.
i remember how very alluring and seductive the mask can be and how positively scary the exposure can feel. i know how terrifying visibility can feel and i know for many of us, our protection is rooted deep and has been for many, many, many years.
i don’t expect you to simply read this, rip the mask off, and show up as the real you all the time in every situation. maybe that’ll be what happens, but if you’re like most of us, it’ll be a process.
your unbecoming will be a journey.
no matter how long it takes, you’re worth it.
no matter the effort required, you’re worthy.
and i’ll tell you what– it’ll probably take a lot less effort and energy and time than you think.
if there is anything at all i can do to help support you in the shedding of your layers i hope you’ll reach out.
you my sweet friend, you are not alone.
xo
Here’s what I did:
I wasn’t in the mood for Christmas. I simply was not feeling “merry” or “bright” this season.
I spent the morning of Christmas Eve sitting in my car with tears streaming down my face, feeling a sadness and a loss and a heaviness on my heart. It felt different than I’ve felt before and I was worried about myself. Was I depressed? I’d been kind of down for the couple days prior and it seemed to be getting worse.
To be fully transparent, there were a few external factors that could have contributed to my mood:
However, all of those were deliberate and intentional choices.
We closed on our first home just 3 days after Christmas and we had a lot happening this year.
SO…
BUT…
With the exception of closing on the house, none of that stuff was “new” for us.
HOWEVER…
Despite all of the hiccups in the past, we’ve always had our traditions. We bake cookies and make hot cocoa and drive around looking at neighborhood Christmas lights. I make cinnamon rolls for breakfast and we talk to family. We cook dinner, we have drinks, play games, and watch Christmas movies all day.
But this year I didn’t want to do any of it.
Not a single thing.
I just wanted to stay in bed, snuggled under the covers with my pups.
I felt super lonely and simultaneously wanted to be left alone.
I felt this emotional sadness until December 26th. By late afternoon that day I felt better. I could tell because there was a tangible shift in my energy.
So, while I know we’re now past Christmas and into the new year, I want to share what I did over those few days.
You see, life will deliver you many opportunities to feel overwhelmed and to feel pressured with expectations on how you’re “supposed to” feel. There will probably be times where you’ll experience sadness, be in “a mood”, feel anxious, or simply find yourself in an unexplainable funk, and if you do, I want you to know there’s hope.
I allowed myself to been seen in my sadness by a few people I trusted and I knew would hold the space for me to just be. I texted a friend and told her what was really going on with me. I told another friend what I felt sad about and allowed myself to be vulnerable and honest with her when she came by work to wish me a Merry Christmas.
When you’re feeling down, it’s important that you don’t hide. This part of you isn’t “bad”. It doesn’t deserve to be shunned and punished. It needs to be loved on and nurtured.
Start by giving that to yourself. Give yourself permission to feel how you feel. Tell yourself it’s okay, look in the mirror and say “I love you”, and take your right arm to your left shoulder and your left arm to your right shoulder and squeeze.
Next, find a safe space where you can be seen in your perfectly imperfect, messy, snot-nosed glory. This might be with your Mom or Dad, a friend, a coach, a mentor, or an accountability partner. You’re simply looking for a place or a moment in time where you can be who you really are and feel what you’re really feeling. Oftentimes, you don’t need a discussion. You simply need someone to know what’s really going on with you. Another soul with whom you can share your authentic truth.
I am learning that part of emotional intelligence is recognizing that certain situations (my job) do call for me to “pull it together” because my emotional meltdown isn’t their problem, but that doesn’t mean I can’t tell a friend that I’m sad.
2. I didn’t pretend to be happy.
I didn’t put on a “happy face”. I didn’t “fake it ’til I made it”. When you’re in this space, I invite you to try and get neutral instead of trying to be happy. Maybe you’re currently over in Funk-Town. Please do not try to get to I’m-Super-Cheery-Ville. In my opinion, it’s waaaaaay too far to travel. When people ask how you are, you don’t have to say, “I’m awesome!” You can say, “I’m okay.”
There’s a balance between wallowing and complaining (something I do NOT recommend) and just being present with what is. Oftentimes when we hide what’s real for us it comes from a place of feeling shame, guilt, or embarrassment. We tell ourselves that we shouldn’t feel this way, that other people have their own problems, and that they don’t need to be “bothered” by us and our feelings.
Who you are and what you’re feeling is no bother.
Who you are and what you’re feeling is exquisite.
You’ve got to express yourself. Cry, hit a pillow, throw a kicking and screaming tantrum, go to an arcade and throw or shoot something, journal, go for a run, take a kickboxing class, or do whatever else feels honoring to your soul.
Emotions are meant to be felt so they can be released. No holding back here. Personally, I cried. Then I cried again. Then again. That’s what felt right to me. There’s no right or wrong answer here. You simply want to get the emotions moving. Trust me, they don’t want to be lodged in your body anymore than you want them there.
When all else fails, take a nap. Sometimes the only thing to do is close your eyes and catch some zzz’s. It can often act as a pattern interrupt for the funk. I’ve found that feeling sad is exhausting and sometimes the tired amplifies my sadness which leads to overwhelm and … {cue vicious cycle}.
You’re allowed to take a nap.
You’re allowed to get a full night of sleep.
You’re allowed to take care of you.
This wasn’t my first funk. It won’t be my last. What’s important is that we remember, “Feelings are just visitors, let them come and go.” We don’t have to attach a story about what they mean or what they’re saying about who we are. We can just sit with them as they move through us.
What are the things that YOU do when you find yourself in one of these funks? I’d love to hear from you! Please share any questions or comments below.
Wishing you presence in this new year.
xo,
Michelle