your dreams are dying in the life you’re not living.

Desires.

For so long I pretended I was unworthy. Like I had to do more and be more to earn the right to want. Ugh. “Earn the right to want…”

The law had been written and I had declared, “I never was nor would I ever be enough.” I had crowned myself “unworthy” and so it was.

Eventually, I stopped wanting. It wasn’t safe. It was too risky.

My dreams and desires were trapped. Locked inside my soul, fighting to come out– to come alive. Longing to be spoken out loud into the Universe, fueled by the oxygen of my breath. But, I’d build a wall to keep them in.

And yet I stood there yelling about how I can’t dream and how I don’t know what I want, but the reality was, I’d built the wall to trap my desires. I put the padlock on the chains, I latched it closed, the lock was on MY side of the door, and I was the one person holding the only key.

And yet, I was angry and throwing a fit about how it wasn’t fair.

Like many of you, I was waiting. Telling myself, I’d express my desires if a few standards were met…

I had to know it was safe.

I needed “them” to prove they could be trusted with my desires.

And more than that? I needed to know for sure that what I wanted would come true before I dare speak anything out loud.

Can you relate?

Good luck with that.

You’re going to wait forever.

Why?

Because you’re requesting the impossible. You’re demanding an unknown prediction of the future so that you can ensure everything will work out the way you want it to and if and only if you get the guarantee will you then come back to the present and take action and speak your desires aloud.

Pretending you “don’t know” feels safer.

Pretending feels more comfortable than confronting the truth: Your desires and dreams are not safe with you.

How do I know? Because I wasn’t safe with me for years. I couldn’t trust myself so I hunted for my answers– sought out my dreams– in others. “You tell me what I should want,” I’d say.

My gluttonous consumption of information and my addiction to the intoxication– high off of the answers others gave me– had me waking up everyday with a pounding headache and a hangover from hell because the shots they poured and what I guzzled down didn’t have the capacity to satiate my soul’s real longing.

Things began to change for me when I admitted all of this to myself and recognized that the solutions I was getting were to the questions I was asking, but I wasn’t asking the right questions.

Friend, it is possible to live a life liberated. It is possible to dismantle and transform the lie you’re living disguised as a life you’re not living, extinguish your suffering, unlock the padlock, and release your soul.

xo

how to stop giving a sh*t about what other people think

people frequently ask me this question:

how do i stop giving a sh*t about what other people think?

my answer?

you can’t.

i kid. but not really. the truth is, anyone who isn’t a sociopath is going to care what other people think.

so, the question is flawed. i’ll explain.

i have a friend who acts without attachment to the opinions of others. i have always viewed her as a mythical creature possessing a skill i desperately desired. we were hanging out a few years ago when i asked her, “have you always been able to not care what other people think?” i can clearly remember how i felt when she replied, “i’ve always been this way. it’s just who i am.”

it was a gut punch.

dang. so, what? i’m destined to be stuck in this perpetual cycle of people pleasing for the rest of my life?

now, i’m not saying that answer wasn’t true for her. in fact, i believe it is and i believe it is for many. the problem was, i wasn’t the many.

and if you are not the many either, keep reading…

first, let’s change the question:

how can i care deeply, AND not give a sh*t?

friend, you can learn how to care deeply AND not give a sh*t. you can hear the opinions of others AND not be stopped by them. you can learn to process feedback as feedback AND not take it as a personal attack. you can learn to understand that other people are sharing their experiences of you AND not take on their experiences as your own truth.

now, this is an individual conversation filled with individual answers, but from my experience– both as a coach and as someone who lived most of her life addicted to attention and approval; most of us who are in the cycle of people-pleasing have equated our safety and stability with making others happy.

i will be okay if everyone else is okay.

the danger here is that when we outsource our stability, safety, and security; we are not in control of the one thing we have any control over: OURSELVES.

we become paranoid in our compulsive obsession of what other people are thinking, preoccupied with personal manipulation in an attempt to please them, and completely sacrificing self in the process.

you can care deeply and not be stopped by their opinions, but in order to do that, you have to be willing to confront and heal your relationship to your own judgments of you.

nothing anyone says about you has the power to shake you; unless there is a part of you that believes the things they are saying.

we have to first, heal our relationship with our reflection.

when there is no longer personal pain projected, we are much better equipped to take action on our goals without weaving our judgments into the conversation pretending they belong to others.

i’d love to hear your thoughts…

xo