It began early Saturday morning. I noticed that it hurt a little when I swallowed. Now, 6 days later, when I open my mouth no words come out.
I am unable to recall the last time I was physically unable to speak. Even if I try, there are no words and it sucks. It sucks big time. It’s scary and a bit demoralizing.
But, as find myself forced into this silence, I notice there is a lot bubbling up emotionally. So, I made a choice. A choice to shift from being angry at my situation into lovingly accepting what is. And, wow. From that place much has been discovered.
Allow me to share….
My emotions have manifested physically.
This is something I’ve thought to be true in the past, but I’m really getting it in my body (literally) right now. I am a believer that our emotions manifest themselves physically and therefore, when I experience any sort of physical symptom, I am prompted to dig into what’s going on emotionally. Louise Hay is one of my favorite authors on this subject and her book, “You Can Heal Your Life” sits on my desk. There’s a list toward the back of the book that references probable mental causes for dis-eases. She invites her readers to “Look up the mental cause. See if this could be true for you. If not, sit quietly and ask yourself, “What could be the thoughts in me that created this?”
What became present for me was a fear of using my voice. A fear of speaking up and speaking out. I became aware that I’ve spent a great deal of my life living in silence. Not silence like I never said anything, I mean, I can talk a lot, but silent about the things that were and are deeply important to me.
I was afraid.
Afraid of offending you. Afraid of hurting you. Afraid of pissing you off. Afraid of upsetting you. Afraid of making you uncomfortable. Afraid of rocking boat. Afraid of making waves. Afraid of alienating people. Afraid of losing followers. Afraid of being judged if I made a new decision and shifted my beliefs. Afraid of being wrong. Afraid of messing up. Afraid of not being liked.
And if I did speak out, I was simultaneously apologizing. So much apologizing.
I am sorry for hurting you. I am sorry for making you uncomfortable. I am sorry for offending you. I am sorry for who the f*ck even knows what, but I probably did something and I’m sure I should apologize.
I’ve taken down videos or posts that I thought might piss you off or make you uncomfortable. I’ve edited posts and comments I’ve made. I’ve not commented or spoken up in conversations.
And I want to be clear, many times when I’ve opted out of getting involved, it has NOT by deliberate choice, but out of fear of judgement.
T H E R E I S A D I F F E R E N C E.
I can CHOOSE to not engage. I can CHOOSE to step out of a conversation or CHOOSE to not enter one in the first place.
But, being AFRAID to… well, f*ck that shit.
I am changing and I’m okay if that scares you.
There’s a lot of growth happening within me right now. A great deal of shifting.
While this is uncomfortable to say, I realized that part of why I was hiding my voice and avoiding speaking my truth was because I didn’t want to be labeled. I didn’t want to be “that girl”. I was so wrapped up in worrying about the possible judgments of others that not only was I not standing in my truth, I actually wasn’t 100% clear on what my truth was.
You want to know what’s up for me right now? I am learning what’s important to me. I am discovering what I believe in. ME. Not what you think I should believe in or what my mom taught me to believe in or what society says I should believe in based on the countless stamps you could use to label who I am.
There’s the “I was sexually assaulted” stamp, the “I’ve been hit” stamp, the “I’m married to a woman” stamp, the “I am woman” stamp, the “I am an entrepreneur” stamp, the “I am a coach” stamp, the “I am a speaker” stamp, the “I am a teacher” stamp, the “I am a waitress” stamp, the “I am a spiritual seeker” stamp, the “I am an animal lover” stamp, the “I am a vegan” stamp, the “I don’t have kids” stamp and on and on and on….
I have decided that it is okay for me to form my OWN beliefs, opinions, and judgments and I have given myself permission to change my mind any time I learn something new.
AND I decided that my beliefs, opinions, and judgments do not have to fit into my outdated mold of what I used to believe is right and/or have been trained to believe is “proper”.
F*CK my expectations of me.
I am 40 years old and I’m getting to know ME. The REAL ME. Not the version of “me” I presented to the world for so many years.
I’m asking myself questions, some of which I don’t have the answer for… yet.
I’m allowing the space between who I was and who I am becoming to excite verses terrify me.
I have given myself permission to try on different identities. Permission to explore different beliefs and see how they feel in my body. Permission to have conversations with those who are willing to speak their truth freely. Permission to stretch my beliefs and challenge what I thought I knew. Permission to evolve. Permission to transform. Permission to do all of this unapologetically.
I am committed to speaking as I learn.
I’ll tell ya, there is nothing like having something taken away from you to up your appreciation level.
I am so incredibly grateful for my voice. Grateful for the power of speech. Grateful for the reminders that the Universe has lovingly been sending me for the past few days about the power of ONE VOICE.
I was pretending that I didn’t have anything important to say. I was pretending that people probably didn’t care anyway. I was pretending that my single voice couldn’t make a difference.
I decided to call bullshit on my story. I had been using my growth and my learning as an excuse to stay silent.
I will never begin if I have to have it all figured out first. And I need to begin.
The call on my heart is great and while I honestly don’t know what it all looks like and I don’t know what I’ll be doing or how I’ll be showing up in the world tomorrow, let alone 3, 6, or 12 months down the road, there are a few things I do know for sure….
I am committed to using my voice.
I am committed to speaking as I learn.
I am committed to guiding while I travel.
I don’t know the details, but I know in my heart that we can and we will change this planet. Together.