If I abandon my authentic self in an attempt to be chose, even if they choose me…
I will KNOW it wasn’t me they chose.
This can lead to anger, resentment, sadness + depression.
Here’s how it showed up for me…
- I didn’t set or honor my boundaries
- I felt obligated to say yes when I wanted to say no
- I was afraid to slow down — let alone stop
- I was demanding perfection from myself
- I was using my inner critic as my main motivator
- I sacrificed myself, my needs, my desires
- I had no hobbies
- I stopped playing
- I stopped dreaming
- I wasn’t sleeping well
- I felt low-grade sick all the time
- I fluctuated between sad + resentful
I was stuck in a matrix of my own making; the pattern perpetuating the story that who I was as I was simply was not good enough.
The cycle of self-abandonment in search of love + approval was never going to be fulfilling because when they loved me, they loved who I wasn’t.
Why do we do this?
Because we are smart + adaptive human beings with brilliant brains designed to keep us alive.
We learn how to get our needs met.
Once I understood that I was living my life in response to the traumas I experienced, in protection of them ever happening again, adapting for my survival…
I wanted to shout from the rooftops, “From now on, I’m choosing me!”
No longer did I want to live life stuck in the cycle of self-abandonment.
Let’s DO this!
I was ready.
Yet I resisted.
I knew what to do + I wasn’t doing it.
Gahhhhhh!!!! What is wrong with me???
I must have asked that question a few thousand times.
Here’s the answer if you’re asking the same…
Not one damn thing.
Nothing was wrong with me + nothing is wrong with you.
Boldly declaring, “I choose me!” will feel terrifying to a system who has survived by doing the opposite for most of its life.
You may know that you NEED TO make a new choice.
You may know that you WANT TO.
But until your internal systems…
Until your body feels safe to do so…
Friend, I’m telling you from experience, you cannot — you will not — willpower your way out of this one.
You can learn how to create safety from the inside out
You can cultivate self-trust
You can heal your relationship with your reflection
You can come home to yourself
And when you do, you will no longer feel the need to chase the choosing + change to be chosen.
This is the work I practice.
This is the work I teach.