the problem is, most of us ignore them because they are so accepted and expected that we don’t recognize them for the red flags they are
it’s called being an adultwe saypull it togetherput your big girl panties onjust do itwhat’s wrong with youwe askso-and-so has it worse than youyou’re so lazy
it’s not that badeveryone i know is friedi’m too busyi don’t have timetoday is the ONLY day to get things donelook at our to-do listhe needs methey need meshe needs meit’s finei’m finei’m fine
the cannibalistic cycle
of miserable determination
consumed by the me
i now be
still alive in me
the scathing, self-loathing
giving birth to the breath
finally willing to feel
allowing them to melt
all of the me
i spent my life
pretending to be
the pretty me
the polished me
the perfect me
i felt the burning heat
and stood there
taking my breath
in the me
i used to be
which is why
i used to be
𝘜𝘚𝘌𝘋 to not feel
of the heat
on my sensitive skin
the me i used to be
terrified of the inevitable
the fear inside
i used to be
grew into fascination
i found myself
by the burning
masochistic in my curiosity
wanting to step
in the me
i used to be
unable to take
until the moment
yearning for everything
i’d spent years protecting
for my fragile front
to be decimated
pulled into the magnetic flames
of my own vulnerable authenticity
ready to be reborn
1. a person’s essential being that distinguishes them from others, especially considered as the object of introspection or reflexive action.
- an intense feeling of deep affection.
- a great interest and pleasure in something.
- a person or thing that one loves.
- feel a deep romantic or sexual attachment to (someone).
Self-love feels like one of the most talked about concepts, yet I believe most of us don’t DO self love.
While we are familiar with the notion, for so many of my sisters, self love is simply not an ACTIVE practice.
It sounds good in theory and we read books and burn sage and purchase crystals and get manicures, but when it comes to actually executing an intentional practice…
We say things like, “That’d be nice. I wish I had time for that luxury…”
The truth is, the active practice of self love demands us to shift our seat on our long task list. We have to move ourselves from dead last to first. Self love calls forth a bold declaration from the depths of our soul. An unapologetic battle cry…
“My needs are JUST as important as your needs.”
Because dead last? It is killing us.
We are quick to leap at the opportunity to serve and give and show up for another, but “GASP!” how dare you ask us to show up for ourselves? I mean, we’re soooooooo busy.
The habitual “I’m fine” slowly erodes at our self-esteem and self-worth as we seemingly, suddenly find ourselves angry and resentful waiting for others to give us what we haven’t given ourselves. We’re impatiently waiting for a person or an accomplishment to come along and validate us. And when they don’t? We become irrational and irritable because they haven’t given us what we haven’t asked for and yet believe we are owed.
But friend, it’s you. The love you’re seeking is within. There is NO external source that can love you enough… validate you enough… to satiate the hunger rumbling deep in your belly.
I snapped this picture in April 2018. I was leaving a week long transformational coaching training and it was during this week — just one year ago — that I fell in love with me. I released shame and guilt I’d been carrying for years. I stopped punishing myself and I chose love. Intentionally. I saw the wholeness of who I was and I loved her with the ferocious compassion of a mama bear protecting her cubs.
I didn’t know how
But you showed me
I didn’t know if I could
But you believe in me
I didn’t know I was worthy
But you reminded me
I didn’t know if I was enough
But you lovingly affirmed my truth
I forgot where to look
But then I saw your reflection
It is impossible to love others if we are not actively in love with ourself first. And, if you’re like most people, you are going to have to enlist support in cultivating new habits. We are simply not programmed to choose us.
In “Pussy – A Reclamation” Regena Thomashauer says, “It’s very difficult for us to say yes to our own pleasure. We have no experience prioritizing our own joy or making an investment in ourselves. But it is very easy to say yes to responsibility and obligation.”
This has to change.
It’s time to change.
And, I believe we are most effective in transforming our lives and habits when we have the support of tribe.
My new friend Sharon, the founder of GO LOVE YOURSELF– a self care and self love subscription box- shares the following on her website:
…as March’s featured author Kelly Corrigan notes, “you can’t really be loved if you can’t bear to be really known.”
And you deserve to take the time for yourself to know yourself, and love yourself, to know others, and to love others, and to be known by others, and to be loved by others. You don’t have to go it alone.
Sharon believes that self care is an action and self love is the result.
Awareness in and of itself doesn’t bring change. Motivation, while fun to experience, doesn’t bring change. What does bring change is ACTION. A commitment to DOING what needs to be done to change our lives and increase our self love and happiness.
As Sharon shares, “if you’re ready to be the change you want to see, take the actions you need to take, do the work, and connect with a group of women who are committed to truly living their best lives, we’re here for you.”
I couldn’t agree more.
Take the first action step in choosing YOU and get yourself the support you’re worthy of.
If you have any questions about the support Sharon provides, feel free to contact her directly through her website: https://www.thegoloveyourselfbox.com/about_us or if you have questions for me, send me an email at: email@example.com.
while i don’t recall the moment i first heard haruki murakami’s quote, i distinctly remember the feeling in my body. my jaw clenched and my shoulders rolled back and tightened as i began to embody a fighting stance. i was under attack and preparing myself for battle. i was ready to defend my suffering. i was set to argue against anyone who would dare try to take my limitations away.
now, as i reflect on that version of me, i feel a sadness for her. but her aggressively defensive behavior makes sense to me.
when i was told my suffering was optional, i made it mean that it was a choice. and i didn’t want to hear that i was CHOOSING to suffer.
because that would mean i would no longer be able to blame my mom or my dad or my life or those people over there or this circumstance here or my finances or that one person from 15 years ago who called me fat or that teacher who wouldn’t help me or that guy that broke my heart or that girl who said those things mean things.
if my suffering was a choice, i’d have to stop saying it was “them” keeping me down and admit that it was me.
and friend, i didn’t like that one bit.
but, here’s the thing that’s important to understand if you want to live an empowered life– your experience is 100% within your control.
if we are suffering, it is our choice.
if you are suffering, it is your choice.
i was reading an article that described it like this: it is possible to experience pain and not suffer as much as it’s possible to suffer and not be in any physical pain.
to me, the suffering kicks in when we become emotionally entangled in our pain. when we take our pain and we attach who we are to that pain we will suffer. when we beat ourselves up (physically, mentally, or emotionally) for our pain, we will suffer. when we continue our self-abuse with guilt and shame, we will continue our suffering.
THESE are the things that are our choice.
the painful or traumatic or painful thing that happened? that’s not on you.
but, making that event(s) mean something negative about who you are, beating yourself up again and again for your perceived mistake(s), and torturing yourself with guilt and shame… friend, those things are your choice.
if you believe you’ve suffered enough, comment below or send me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org. i’d love to support you. and if you haven’t suffered enough, carry on. but, as you carry on, do it will full ownership that at this point, the suffering you’re experiencing is YOUR CHOICE.
blame is easier, but it’s never healed a hurting human. please don’t try to be the first.
support: give assistance to; to give encouragement to someone or something because you want him, her, or it to succeed; suggest the truth of.
friend, we’re not supposed to do this whole “life” thing alone.
but, if you’re anything like the me i used to be, asking for help can feel super hard to do. it sounds easy enough in theory, but in real life? practically impossible.
i felt like being able to do it alone was an achievement i should be striving for. and every time i fell short, it was one more thing to add to the long list of things i sucked at.
it was one more way i just couldn’t get it together…
one more thing to beat myself up about…
i remember feeling like i was weak and incapable if i “had” to ask for help. it was if i was saying, “i can’t do this alone.” and that made me a loser. at least that’s what my head talk was telling me.
but friend, we are NOT SUPPOSED TO do life alone. we’re best when we’re supported and we have peeps that have our back.
giving support and receiving support is human.
we are not robots and despite the amount of time we spend on our phones and computers, we require human connection.
i truly believe support can relieve both anxiety and depression. there is something so profoundly powerful about knowing we’re not alone.
and when it comes to achievement? to reaching your goals and dreams?
your human brain is not wired to bring the best out of yourself. your brain is designed with safety as it’s number one priority. “keep this human alive” is its commitment.
so, we need people. people who see what we’re capable of and who are willing to stand beside us while we unbecome everything we are not.
people who reflect our truth and who are brave enough to lovingly confront us on our bullshit stories.
so, let’s break this down.
there are 5 main ingredients to an incredible support system:
1. an accountability partner:
this is someone you’ll check in with on a daily basis who will help keep you on track with the activities you’ve committed to executing. there’s nothing like having a person expecting you to check in with them to motivate you to get a thing done!
2. a mastermind group:
this is a small group of people (ideally 4-7) who meet at a predetermined time. what i dig the most about a mastermind is you get to utilize the collective intelligence of the group. you can present ideas, struggles, projects, speeches, etc and benefit from the peer mentoring inside the group. for me, the ideal mastermind would have people from backgrounds unique to mine so i may gain perspectives i don’t currently have.
3. a personal coach:
you don’t have to be in an incredible amount of struggle or pain or trauma to need a coach. you CAN be, but it’s not a requirement. the best coaches help bring out the best in you. i heard my coach say at one point,
“the only people who need coaches are those who want to achieve their goals and dreams.”
4. a mentor:
a mentor is a person who is in your business or a similar industry who has done what you want to do and gone where you want to go. their role is to teach and offer guidance.
5. live events:
it is important that we get out of our normal routine for learning. there’s something that shifts when we’ve inconvenienced ourselves with the investment of time, energy, and money to travel and get in a room outside of our typical habits and routines. we’re telling our brain, “hey. pay attention. this thing here is important.” plus, we get the added benefit of connecting with likeminded people and their energy is contagious. in a live event, learning is magnified, deepened, and the ripple effect is tangible.
so, there you have it. the five main ingredients of a dope support system.
one of my clients recently asked, “do we need all 5 or will just a couple work?”
a couple would work.
AND, the more you have, the stronger your success team will be. and you my friend, YOU are worthy of a world class success team.
do you need support?
email me : email@example.com
the other day i posed the question, how do you “DO” self love?
i think many of us talk about it, but how many of us actually BE about it? what does it mean to DO it? to take ACTION?
i was chatting with a client last week and we spoke about how awareness is the first step, but the only thing that has the power to change anything in our lives is ACTION.
and yet, how many of us are stuck?
aware and stuck.
i have been pondering this conversation and contemplating how i can help.
what’s the catalyst to move from awareness into action?
i recalled that in the past, i have shared with my clients that a very simple way to begin the practice of self love is to think of someone or something that you love and write down 5 ways you treat them.
that list might look like:
i pay attention and really listen when they speak to me
i spend quality, uninterrupted time with them
i honor their needs
i respect their boundaries
i have fun with them and play with them
but this morning, i realized– this list– is the ideal way i’d treat them. it’s how i feel i should treat them.
and then i asked myself a hard question, is it what i DO?
and i’m a bit embarrassed to say, that with the specific person i was thinking of, my honest answer was, “nope.”
here’s how my list would look if we were evaluating my ACTIONS:
i put her after most other things
i am often distracted in our quality time
i am frequently tired when we’re together
i can be lazy and allow things to run on autopilot
i can be impatient and energetically demanding
if this is true, then me telling me to treat myself like someone i love means to put me after everything else, be distracted and not present, be lazy with my care, make thoughtless choices, run myself down, and hold high and unrealistic expectations and throw a fit when they go unmet.
that’s when i realized, THAT is actually the bigger conversation.
many of us will want to
redefine our relationship to LOVE
and, i hear you… HOOOOOWWWWWWWWW?????????
so, here’s my encouragement…
if this applies to you (and i know it won’t apply to everyone), don’t make your ideal list wrong.
i believe it’s your inner child speaking. celebrate that– celebrate her.
there is a divine feminine energy in you that longs to nurture and love and care for self and others.
allow that– allow her desires and longings to be exposed.
pick one thing from your list.
i know our precious human brain wants to go from not-love to love immediately and zip from a zero to a ten in 0.5 second flat and while all of that is cute, it is unrealistic and not at all sustainable.
so, if you’re committed to implementing actionable self-love, pick one thing.
and then practice.
practice toward others and practice toward self.
and reverse the order.
practice toward self and then practice toward them.
we cannot give what we do not possess.
i choose “i pay attention and really listen when they speak”.
so, from this place of choice, how can i pay attention and really listen when i speak?
for me, the first step is giving myself a voice.
i’ve begun pausing throughout the day and asking myself, “what do you want right now?” or “what do you need in this moment?” and then i’ve been listening.
if my back hurts and wants to lie down, i create space for that.
if my eyes are tired and want to rest, i let that be okay.
if my body is craving food, i feed her.
if my heart is longing for connection, i find ways to give that to her.
it’s not hard. but it does take practice.
and i’m worth it.
and so are you.
need tips that are specific to YOU and the unique individual you are? send me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org and lets set up a time to chat.
wants upon a time…
i took this picture four years ago
to the day
january 3rd, 2015
i remember this moment
i wanted to capture it
i was sad and pissed
in a good way
about my own self
i’d been working with a coach…
involved in personal development…
attending live events…
doing all of this for just over a year…
and in this moment…
standing in the kitchen in my condo…
i was done
acting like i was happy when i wasn’t
i was done
with the bullsh*t
with MY bullsh*t
allow me to be
i didn’t have the answers
i was struggling financially
i was unfulfilled
i was working in a career i no longer wanted to be in
i was uncertain of my purpose
i was unsure of my next moves
i had no clarity on the how or the what or any of the specifics
the first step
the one i think folks frequently forget about
the FIRST step
is the one where you get tired of your own bullsh*t
you get tired of hitting the wall you keep hitting
you get tired of the sexy stories (lies)
the lies you’re telling
about how you’re fine
you get tired
of being sick
you get tired
of being so tired
because it’s from THAT point
that point where you’re done
that point when you’re really ready to put down the struggle
it’s from that point
things can change
and by things
E V E R Y T H I N G
i didn’t know…
four months after i took this pic i’d invest in a coaching certification
i didn’t know…
one year after that i’d be a certified neruotransformational coach
and my friend
i didn’t have the capacity
i lacked the vision
to see that four years after i took this picture i’d be…
happier than i ever imagined was possible
fulfilled at a level i thought someone like me could never reach
so on fire
in love with me
in love with life
in love with humanity
deep in my trust and knowingness that i’ve got me
i knew people lived this way
i’d heard of ’em
i’d seen one or two
but i did not
SHE did not know it was possible for her
she had no clue what was coming for her
and friend, neither do you
my invitation is to get in the work on yourself
invest in your healing
THAT is what’s necessary
that’s the answer to your struggle
it may not be the answer you’re looking for
it may not be the answer you want to hear
but it is the answer
the REAL answer
there are no shortcuts
no quick fixes
no one-size-fits-all approach to your UNIQUE self
you’re not broken
you can heal
you can learn to love and trust yourself
it is possible for someone like you
but i don’t know any of us
who do it alone
if you want to talk about what that would or could look like, ask
if i’m not the one, find you someone
your future self will thank you