the problem is, most of us ignore them because they are so accepted and expected that we don’t recognize them for the red flags they are
it’s called being an adultwe saypull it togetherput your big girl panties onjust do itwhat’s wrong with youwe askso-and-so has it worse than youyou’re so lazy
it’s not that badeveryone i know is friedi’m too busyi don’t have timetoday is the ONLY day to get things donelook at our to-do listhe needs methey need meshe needs meit’s finei’m finei’m fine
i wrote this long post on instagram earlier and i’ve spent many moments today questioning. wondering if maybe the post would’ve been better received had i put it here in the blog. i hear myself silently judging…
maybe it’s too long for the gram. who is reading all this anyway? no one cares. this probably isn’t what they want to see… is it?
jeez. when i tell myself THAT bullshit, disempowering story there’s only one thing i want to do.
i hear my old inner voice yelling, “retreat! abort mission!”
the truth is, i am human and as a human, it’s super easy for my old stories to pop up.
i keep reminding myself of this truth while my brain contemplates taking the post down.
but i don’t.
because i’m experimenting. i am playing with length, with language, with where and when and how i show up. and there is no room for judgment in experiments. just noticing. then tweaking. then trying again.
plus, my gosh. who can tell who sees what on social media anymore?! there is so much out there that if you’re not intentional with deliberately searching for someone and their posts, well– you probably won’t see them.
so here’s what i shared earlier today:
You tell me
What you need
Me to be
Pretend to be
Scared to be
The real me
Under the mask
I spent my whole life constructing
The woman under
Cover of protection
It is possible to unbecome
Everything you’re not
You can let
The layers crumble
You can take
The mask off
You can allow
Everything you are
They can’t know
They can’t see
While this may feel scary
The fear is only temporary
The pain of pretending
The weight of the mask
The effort of the act
Is slowly killing you
Crushing your spirit
Choking off your soul’s song
From the inside out
You are love
She is waiting
You’ve got you
the journey home has been truly magical, beautiful, and an incredible adventure– one i am still traveling.
writing my story has reminded me of so much pain i numbed out and avoided for so many years.
writing my story has also reconnected me to how much i’ve shed and unbecome over the past five years.
my deepest desire is to affirm hope. wherever you are, whatever you’re going through– when you’re ready, you can heal.
you don’t have to pretend. i promise. and yet i know.
i remember how very alluring and seductive the mask can be and how positively scary the exposure can feel. i know how terrifying visibility can feel and i know for many of us, our protection is rooted deep and has been for many, many, many years.
i don’t expect you to simply read this, rip the mask off, and show up as the real you all the time in every situation. maybe that’ll be what happens, but if you’re like most of us, it’ll be a process.
your unbecoming will be a journey.
no matter how long it takes, you’re worth it.
no matter the effort required, you’re worthy.
and i’ll tell you what– it’ll probably take a lot less effort and energy and time than you think.
if there is anything at all i can do to help support you in the shedding of your layers i hope you’ll reach out.
you my sweet friend, you are not alone.
You may or may not know this, but we have recently moved into a new home.
1. Just jump in and get started.
The truth is, if you are doing something that you’ve never done before, there is literally NO WAY you are going to know exactly how long it will take or what will ultimately be required.
Even if you’ve “done research”.
Even if you’ve “asked around”.
Attempting to know the unknowable will keep you frustrated and stuck in inaction, clinging to your BS excuse as to why you have yet to “go for it”.
Even if you attempt a guess at the time and effort required, you’ll probably underestimate. That’s what we do as humans.
And then you’ll get irritated that it’s taking longer than it is “supposed to”.
Does this cycle sound familiar?
My 2 cents?
Stop planning so much.
Stop trying to know the unknowable.
Jump in and start.
The truth is, you will not know what you actually need or what you really want until you begin. The specific details and your true desires will not be revealed while you’re sitting on your couch thinking.
They will ONLY gain clarity while you are taking action.
2. Your “microwave mentality” isn’t serving you.
That being said, I get it.
It’s how you’re programmed.
You want results immediately.
And by immediately, I mean yesterday.
You’re a human. So am I.
There is a part of me that wants my results yesterday too.
3. The joy really is in the journey.
This phrase is repeated a lot and to be honest, I used to roll my eyes when I heard it.
But it’s TRUE.
The fun, the joy, the laughter, and all of the memories are made during the process.
Here’s what’s true, all of the memories I have when I think about our home are of the silly things that have happened along the way.
When I think of my laundry room I chuckle at the number of times Amanda had to go back and forth to Home Depot and Lowes.
I do wonder if the neighbors have seen us naked because there was a good week or so that we didn’t have any blinds.
There’s blood on our wall from when our friend helped us re-wire a light in our kitchen and he got electrocuted and there’s part of me that doesn’t want to paint over it.