the problem is, most of us ignore them because they are so accepted and expected that we don’t recognize them for the red flags they are
it’s called being an adultwe saypull it togetherput your big girl panties onjust do itwhat’s wrong with youwe askso-and-so has it worse than youyou’re so lazy
it’s not that badeveryone i know is friedi’m too busyi don’t have timetoday is the ONLY day to get things donelook at our to-do listhe needs methey need meshe needs meit’s finei’m finei’m fine
For so long I pretended I was unworthy. Like I had to do more and be more to earn the right to want. Ugh. “Earn the right to want…”
The law had been written and I had declared, “I never was nor would I ever be enough.” I had crowned myself “unworthy” and so it was.
Eventually, I stopped wanting. It wasn’t safe. It was too risky.
My dreams and desires were trapped. Locked inside my soul, fighting to come out– to come alive. Longing to be spoken out loud into the Universe, fueled by the oxygen of my breath. But, I’d build a wall to keep them in.
And yet I stood there yelling about how I can’t dream and how I don’t know what I want, but the reality was, I’d built the wall to trap my desires. I put the padlock on the chains, I latched it closed, the lock was on MY side of the door, and I was the one person holding the only key.
And yet, I was angry and throwing a fit about how it wasn’t fair.
Like many of you, I was waiting. Telling myself, I’d express my desires if a few standards were met…
I had to know it was safe.
I needed “them” to prove they could be trusted with my desires.
And more than that? I needed to know for sure that what I wanted would come true before I dare speak anything out loud.
Can you relate?
Good luck with that.
You’re going to wait forever.
Because you’re requesting the impossible. You’re demanding an unknown prediction of the future so that you can ensure everything will work out the way you want it to and if and only if you get the guarantee will you then come back to the present and take action and speak your desires aloud.
Pretending you “don’t know” feels safer.
Pretending feels more comfortable than confronting the truth: Your desires and dreams are not safe with you.
How do I know? Because I wasn’t safe with me for years. I couldn’t trust myself so I hunted for my answers– sought out my dreams– in others. “You tell me what I should want,” I’d say.
My gluttonous consumption of information and my addiction to the intoxication– high off of the answers others gave me– had me waking up everyday with a pounding headache and a hangover from hell because the shots they poured and what I guzzled down didn’t have the capacity to satiate my soul’s real longing.
Things began to change for me when I admitted all of this to myself and recognized that the solutions I was getting were to the questions I was asking, but I wasn’t asking the right questions.
Friend, it is possible to live a life liberated. It is possible to dismantle and transform the lie you’re living disguised as a life you’re not living, extinguish your suffering, unlock the padlock, and release your soul.
while i don’t recall the moment i first heard haruki murakami’s quote, i distinctly remember the feeling in my body. my jaw clenched and my shoulders rolled back and tightened as i began to embody a fighting stance. i was under attack and preparing myself for battle. i was ready to defend my suffering. i was set to argue against anyone who would dare try to take my limitations away.
now, as i reflect on that version of me, i feel a sadness for her. but her aggressively defensive behavior makes sense to me.
when i was told my suffering was optional, i made it mean that it was a choice. and i didn’t want to hear that i was CHOOSING to suffer.
because that would mean i would no longer be able to blame my mom or my dad or my life or those people over there or this circumstance here or my finances or that one person from 15 years ago who called me fat or that teacher who wouldn’t help me or that guy that broke my heart or that girl who said those things mean things.
if my suffering was a choice, i’d have to stop saying it was “them” keeping me down and admit that it was me.
and friend, i didn’t like that one bit.
but, here’s the thing that’s important to understand if you want to live an empowered life– your experience is 100% within your control.
if we are suffering, it is our choice.
if you are suffering, it is your choice.
i was reading an article that described it like this: it is possible to experience pain and not suffer as much as it’s possible to suffer and not be in any physical pain.
to me, the suffering kicks in when we become emotionally entangled in our pain. when we take our pain and we attach who we are to that pain we will suffer. when we beat ourselves up (physically, mentally, or emotionally) for our pain, we will suffer. when we continue our self-abuse with guilt and shame, we will continue our suffering.
THESE are the things that are our choice.
the painful or traumatic or painful thing that happened? that’s not on you.
but, making that event(s) mean something negative about who you are, beating yourself up again and again for your perceived mistake(s), and torturing yourself with guilt and shame… friend, those things are your choice.
if you believe you’ve suffered enough, comment below or send me an email at email@example.com. i’d love to support you. and if you haven’t suffered enough, carry on. but, as you carry on, do it will full ownership that at this point, the suffering you’re experiencing is YOUR CHOICE.
blame is easier, but it’s never healed a hurting human. please don’t try to be the first.
[ < numb > ]
we have become
a comfortably numb
zombie society of addicts
our cough medicine
has no discernment
so our soul sits
to our not feeling
i used to
i used to
it was not
helped my body
i thought i was
but i was only numb
support: give assistance to; to give encouragement to someone or something because you want him, her, or it to succeed; suggest the truth of.
friend, we’re not supposed to do this whole “life” thing alone.
but, if you’re anything like the me i used to be, asking for help can feel super hard to do. it sounds easy enough in theory, but in real life? practically impossible.
i felt like being able to do it alone was an achievement i should be striving for. and every time i fell short, it was one more thing to add to the long list of things i sucked at.
it was one more way i just couldn’t get it together…
one more thing to beat myself up about…
i remember feeling like i was weak and incapable if i “had” to ask for help. it was if i was saying, “i can’t do this alone.” and that made me a loser. at least that’s what my head talk was telling me.
but friend, we are NOT SUPPOSED TO do life alone. we’re best when we’re supported and we have peeps that have our back.
giving support and receiving support is human.
we are not robots and despite the amount of time we spend on our phones and computers, we require human connection.
i truly believe support can relieve both anxiety and depression. there is something so profoundly powerful about knowing we’re not alone.
and when it comes to achievement? to reaching your goals and dreams?
your human brain is not wired to bring the best out of yourself. your brain is designed with safety as it’s number one priority. “keep this human alive” is its commitment.
so, we need people. people who see what we’re capable of and who are willing to stand beside us while we unbecome everything we are not.
people who reflect our truth and who are brave enough to lovingly confront us on our bullshit stories.
so, let’s break this down.
there are 5 main ingredients to an incredible support system:
1. an accountability partner:
this is someone you’ll check in with on a daily basis who will help keep you on track with the activities you’ve committed to executing. there’s nothing like having a person expecting you to check in with them to motivate you to get a thing done!
2. a mastermind group:
this is a small group of people (ideally 4-7) who meet at a predetermined time. what i dig the most about a mastermind is you get to utilize the collective intelligence of the group. you can present ideas, struggles, projects, speeches, etc and benefit from the peer mentoring inside the group. for me, the ideal mastermind would have people from backgrounds unique to mine so i may gain perspectives i don’t currently have.
3. a personal coach:
you don’t have to be in an incredible amount of struggle or pain or trauma to need a coach. you CAN be, but it’s not a requirement. the best coaches help bring out the best in you. i heard my coach say at one point,
“the only people who need coaches are those who want to achieve their goals and dreams.”
4. a mentor:
a mentor is a person who is in your business or a similar industry who has done what you want to do and gone where you want to go. their role is to teach and offer guidance.
5. live events:
it is important that we get out of our normal routine for learning. there’s something that shifts when we’ve inconvenienced ourselves with the investment of time, energy, and money to travel and get in a room outside of our typical habits and routines. we’re telling our brain, “hey. pay attention. this thing here is important.” plus, we get the added benefit of connecting with likeminded people and their energy is contagious. in a live event, learning is magnified, deepened, and the ripple effect is tangible.
so, there you have it. the five main ingredients of a dope support system.
one of my clients recently asked, “do we need all 5 or will just a couple work?”
a couple would work.
AND, the more you have, the stronger your success team will be. and you my friend, YOU are worthy of a world class success team.
do you need support?
email me : firstname.lastname@example.org
just because you’ve been walking the same way on the same path for a looooonnnnnnnnng time, doesn’t mean that path is taking you where you want to go.
it’s possible, that it’s time to change directions.
i’ve been in this super reflective space all week and just an hour or so ago, i threw my 2018 planner in the trashcan. along with it, i threw my 2017 planner away. yup. i’d been holding onto that as well.
it’s funny how we keep things because we have convinced ourselves that holding onto something is easier than throwing it out.
even if it’s no longer fulfilling a purpose… no longer serving us.
change requires us to look at how we’re operating.
and after looking, we want to ask ourselves:
“is this serving me?”
“is this working?”
“is this going to take me to this next level?”
and if the answer is “NOPE”, then we owe it to ourselves to make a change.
so, i’ve been changing.
i’m replacing habits.
i’m creating new patterns.
i’m practicing new behaviors.
i’m crafting new routines.
i’m making new intentional choices.
here are a few of my personal reflections…
1. i have a tendency toward complication.
i’m human so i can (sometimes) make things harder– more complicated– than they need to be.
what i know for sure is that life can be complicated.
why on earth would i add to that complication by efforting so hard and making my solutions complicated???
would you like to know what slices through complication 100% of the time?
2. newton’s first law of motion.
an object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion stays in motion with the same speed and the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force.
here’s what that law means to me:
i’ll continue doing things the same way i’ve always done them unless i choose to intentionally stop and make a change.
and the way i’ve always done things probably won’t work for me in creating this new life i long to be living; and it certainly won’t lead me down this new path i crave to travel.
what i’ve done so far has gotten me to where i am so far and if i want to go anywhere different than i am right now, things have to evolve.
i have to be willing to do something new.
i have to be willing to travel somewhere i’ve never traveled before.
i have to be willing to become the woman who will attract my desires.
and that’s much more about UNbecoming who i’m not than it is about BEcoming someone new.
3. my life is waiting for me.
and so is yours.
we’ve got to get in the game.
we’ve got to participate in the manifestation of our dreams.
wishing and hoping and praying and meditating are all amazing things to do.
AND, you’ve gotta back them up with action.
your life is waiting for YOU to participate.
your life is waiting for YOU to get off the sidelines.
your life is waiting for YOU to stop talking and start BEing.
your life is waiting for YOU to stop pretending.
your life is waiting for YOU to say YES.
your life is waiting for YOU to go all in.
your life is waiting for YOU.
you’re worth it.
you don’t have to know the details.
you don’t have to see the answers before you say yes.
you don’t have to see the path.
in fact, that request right there?
it is an impossible request.
and if that’s where you’re stuck, i get it. i spent much of my life there.
but the reality is, as my coach says, “there’s no familiar path to a new territory.”
you can learn to trust yourself to try.
i know you can because i did.
if you know you need support and you’re ready to take action, send me an e–mail. i’d love to set up a time to chat with you.
happy new year friend.
This image effects me in a deep way…
There is a tightening in my jaw.
A tension in my neck.
A dull, but present ache in my chest.
Once I allowed the sadness to come and wash over me, I sat with my truth.
The truth of what I saw in this disturbing picture.
A version of my punisher.
The part of me that does not like me.
The part of me who spent years telling me that I would be worthy and valuable if – and only if – I achieved perfection.
The part of me who demanded I adjust, assimilate, and accommodate those around me in order to be worthy of their attention.
The part of me who cracked her whip and shouted, “PERFORM!”
I was on a call with my coach recently when I was struck with an analogy that created a nauseous feeling in my stomach.
I spent much of my life as a circus animal.
Night after night. Show after show. Doing tricks for applause. Wearing whatever mask or costume you wanted. Dancing, standing on my back legs, jumping through rings of fire, or just sitting pretty -poised on a stool waiting for my next instruction. Working hard. Working SO hard. My ferocious work ethic fueled by the hope that I’d get rewarded for making the ringmaster happy.
And if I didn’t?
Back to my cage. Alone. To think about what I did. What I didn’t do. And how I could do more, be more, try harder. I wasn’t just seeking external validation. I was inspecting constantly. And in my inspection, I was internally invalidating myself, my choices, my physical appearance, my performance…
You are wrong.
You are bad.
You are unworthy.
You disgust me.
You are fat.
You are ugly.
Fix this. Fix that. Fix everything.
Do more, more, more, MORE!
You are not and never will be enough.
“Okay” I said. Next time. I will work harder.
And I did.
One of the most empowering things I ever did, was taking responsibility for my personal healing and happiness.
But, the most empowering thing I have done to date, was take full ownership of my personal abuse as the abuser.
I was the punisher.
That was my hand striking the blows.
Those were my words coming out of my mouth.
Was this a learned behavior?
But the source of the learning was no longer doing the abuse. And keeping myself tethered; a hostage to the teachings was MY doing.
And it was time to own up to that.
Not to abuse myself further. Not to put one more thing on the list of things to feel bad about. NO.
Embedded in my personal responsibility was my freedom… my healing. If I was the one doing it, I was the one who could stop.
You see, for many years I fully believed I deserved to be punished.
But my friends.
When you’re ready to stop.
When you come to the place where you believe you have suffered enough.
You will stop fighting against yourself; fighting against others.
And you will begin to fight for her.
Not protection. She doesn’t need protection if you’re not beating her up.
And in that journey, you will heal the relationship with yourself.
So many of these patterns have been embedded for years.
Please give yourself grace as you travel along your path.
Be patient with yourself as you travel your personal healing journey.
But please keep going.
I promise, you are the one you’re waiting for.
If I may be of any support, please connect with me: