[ < firestarter > ]

the cannibalistic cycle ⁣⁣of miserable determination ⁣⁣consumed by the me ⁣⁣i now be ⁣⁣⁣⁣the fire ⁣⁣still alive in me ⁣⁣transformed ⁣⁣by me⁣⁣the scathing, self-loathing ⁣⁣giving birth to the breath ⁣⁣of liberation ⁣⁣⁣⁣finally willing to feel ⁣⁣the flames ⁣⁣allowing them to melt ⁣⁣all of the me ⁣⁣i spent my life⁣⁣pretending to be ⁣⁣the pretty me⁣⁣the polished...

Wants upon a time…

I took this picture four years ago⁣to the day⁣January 3rd, 2015⁣⁣I remember this moment⁣I wanted to capture it⁣⁣I was sad and pissed⁣in a good way⁣Fired up⁣ about my own self⁣⁣I'd been working with a coach...Involved in personal development...Attending live events...Doing all of this for just over a year⁣...And in this moment...Standing in the kitchen in my condo⁣...⁣I was done pretending⁣faking it⁣acting like...

[ < i ran > ]

are you willingprepared you can say yes still be scared close your eyes if you need to it lessens the nausea eases the discomfort facing truth sometimes causes i played stayed in the dark for years comforted by the blackness that blocked out the madness making it safe to pretend but if you are willing to dig in reach deep in the closet feel for the package grab it let itgrab youfeel its roughness sharpjagged edges let...

[ < i don't know > ]

i don't know i know it's not cute but it is a hit that feeds the addiction calms the twitching that beast within is becoming extinct she's dying and she's afraid so she rages in her attempts to cling to life she scratches on occasion i can smell her fear i know i no longer need the sanctuary of that old story i know i no longer need the high of your attention i know i no longer need the protection of my pretending i don't know because the...

Who are you?

Be careful who you pretend to be because in all your acting, you may lose sight of who you are my friend... i wrote this long post on instagram earlier and i've spent many moments today questioning.  wondering if maybe the post would've been better received had i put it here in the blog. i hear myself silently judging... maybe it's too long for the gram.  who is reading all this anyway?  no one cares.  this probably isn't what they want to...

[ < permission to be me > ]

i spent years... so many years... S O M A N Y Y  E  A  R  S trying to become working to embody P E R F E C T I O N i'd convinced myself i fully believed P E R F E C T I O N was the thing i needed the finish-line i had to cross H  A  D    T  O  and IF if i could cross that line if i could make it i would be enough finally worthy of attention of approval of love i was exhausted continually performing in an act a show that never closed...

[ < surrender > ]

psst you don't need to add you don't need to become anything anyone the "work" is surrender letting go releasing your death grip your clingy grasp on all that is not love and light but i get how you think you need it control i believed i couldn't survive without it control 41 years you couldn't convince me otherwise i'm not trying to convince you now hold on as long as it serves you and it serves and hold on long after it doesn't if you want...

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