Who am I if I’m not doing?

 

I was a zero sum thinker. ⁣

𝘇𝗲·𝗿𝗼-𝘀𝘂𝗺⁣

/ˈˌ𝘇𝗶𝗿ōˈ𝘀ə𝗺/⁣

𝗮𝗱𝗷𝗲𝗰𝘁𝗶𝘃𝗲⁣ – relating to or denoting a situation in which whatever is gained by one side is lost by the other.⁣

My thinking, the byproduct of my wounded masculine, patriarchal programming had me convinced that life was a competition with only 1 winner. ⁣

Which meant, whoever wasn’t winning was losing. ⁣

And I was terrified of losing.⁣

So I had to compete. ⁣

And competition meant doing whatever it took. ⁣

This manifested in my life in many different ways. ⁣

✅ Burnout⁣
✅ An inability to relax
✅ People-pleasing⁣
✅ Mistrust of myself + others — especially women⁣
✅ Overworking⁣
✅ Self-sacrifice⁣
✅ Perfectionism⁣
✅ Over-serving⁣
✅ A need to “rescue” others⁣
✅ Insecurities⁣
✅ Paranoia around being found out⁣
✅ A commitment to self-protection + preservation. ⁣

Can you relate? ⁣

I couldn’t ever relax because there was always the potential for an attack. ⁣

At any moment, someone could come along and take from me what I had worked so hard to earn.

And that was terrifying. ⁣

So I had to be “ON” all the time. ⁣

If my guard was ever down, I could lose everything. ⁣

The thing I didn’t see until it was almost too late is that the way I was operating was already costing me everything. ⁣

If you had told me a year ago that the way I’m living now was possible I wouldn’t of believed you because I didn’t fully trust myself. ⁣

➡️ I didn’t trust myself to slow down.⁣
➡️ I didn’t trust myself to relax.⁣
➡️ I didn’t trust myself to take time off.⁣
➡️ I didn’t trust myself to not be doing.⁣

I didn’t trust myself with myself.⁣

And now? ⁣

Well, I was inspired to write this as I sat down to eat some brunch that I made for myself, eating food that I wasn’t allowing myself to eat a year ago, reading + relaxing after playing with my dogs + laughing. ⁣

There’s music in the background + I was dancing around my kitchen. ⁣

By myself. ⁣

And I thought… Fuck. This is so good. And year ago, I would’ve gotten up, resentful + in pain, eaten something mindlessly + started working. ⁣

Not because anyone said I had to, but because I was afraid of who I’d BE if I wasn’t DOING. ⁣

I know you get it. And maybe think this sounds good, but you’re managing just fine. ⁣

Me too. ⁣
I was badass. ⁣

A bad ass who was slowly destroying herself + calling it service. ⁣

In the meantime, you keep calling it what helps get you through the day + you call me when you’re ready to step out of force and into your authentic power. ⁣

xx⁣

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