I was afraid of who I’d be if I stopped “doing”
I was a zero sum thinker.
𝗮𝗱𝗷𝗲𝗰𝘁𝗶𝘃𝗲 – relating to or denoting a situation in which whatever is gained by one side is lost by the other.
My thinking, the byproduct of my wounded masculine, patriarchal programming had me convinced that life was a competition with only 1 winner.
Which meant, whoever wasn’t winning was losing.
And I was terrified of losing.
So I had to compete.
And competition meant doing whatever it took.
This manifested in my life in many different ways.
- An inability to relax
- Mistrust of myself + others — especially women
- A need to “rescue” others
- Paranoia around being found out
- A commitment to self-protection + preservation
Can you relate?
I couldn’t ever relax because there was always the potential for an attack.
At any moment, someone could come along and take from me what I had worked so hard to earn.
And that was terrifying.
So I had to be “ON” all the time.
If my guard was ever down, I could lose everything.
The thing I didn’t see until it was almost too late is that the way I was operating was already costing me everything.
If you had told me a year ago that the way I’m living now was possible I wouldn’t of believed you because I didn’t fully trust myself.
I didn’t trust myself to slow down.
I didn’t trust myself to relax.
I didn’t trust myself to take time off.
I didn’t trust myself to not be doing.
I didn’t trust myself with myself.
Well, I was inspired to write this as I sat down to eat some brunch that I made for myself, eating food that I wasn’t allowing myself to eat a year ago, reading + relaxing after playing with my dogs + laughing.
There’s music in the background + I was dancing around my kitchen.
And I thought… Fuck. This is so good. And year ago, I would’ve gotten up, resentful + in pain, eaten something mindlessly + started working.
Not because anyone said I had to, but because I was afraid of who I’d BE if I wasn’t DOING.
I know you get it. And maybe think this sounds good, but you’re managing just fine.
I was badass.
A bad ass who was slowly destroying herself + calling it service.
In the meantime, you keep calling it what helps get you through the day + you call me when you’re ready to step out of force and into your authentic power.